RUBBISH?!?!

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them RUBBISH, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

I never understood. I have read these verses UNCOUNTABLE times in the past but it never became SO REAL AND AGONIZING until today. Reading it today feels like a cold knife stabbing into my heart... it makes me feel so bitter, so angry, so hurt... if I didn't go through what I did for the past months, I would have NEVER understood. Are you crazy, Lord Jesus? I CONSIDER EVERYTHING RUBBISH COMPARED TO THE SURPASSING GREATNESS OF KNOWING YOU?! RUBBBIISHH?!?! Everything in my life, the gifts and blessings you have given me, are to be considered NOTHING. RUBBISH. TRASH. MEANINGLESS. Yes, that makes TOTAL SENSE. I need to consider everything VISIBLE RUBBISH to be intimate and be found in something INVISIBLE. Tell me they are lies from the Evil One but isn't that really whacked, God?

The complete cut has been emotionally, mentally, spiritually, educationally horrendous. You, who's not even reading this blog, have some INSANE power over my life. You're the last thought before I sleep and the first when I wake up.. 247, anywhere and everywhere. My grades are degrading and my emotions are just depreciating. Am I really as excited and enthusiastic as I seem...or am I just buried under layers of lies? God can ask for my grades, my other relationships, my career, my nasty sins... but when God asked for you, a COMPLETE CUT from you, He wasn't just asking for an idol, a friendship, a romance, and a bunch of intimate memories... He literally asked for my life to be laid down on the altar as a living sacrifice. Every. Inch. Of. My. Heart.

Lord Jesus, I know You're great, good, forgiving, compassionate, blah, blah, blah. But do I really know? Who are you to ask SO MUCH out of me? Are you really WORTH IT? The lies remind me of your selfishness and glory-seeking pride, but the truth tells me that You would sacrifice Your only Son to be in eternity with me. The Truth declares that you're abounding in love, grace, and compassion for me. The Truth says that you're close to the brokenhearted.. that you weep with me. But do I REALLY KNOW YOU? Do I really think You're WORTH ALL I AM? Do I really have to give up all that I am just to know all that you are? Do I really have to DIE in order to LIVE?

I don't understand. From the beginning of this mess, I never understood. But this morning, once again, I choose to be obedient. I choose to trust. As convincing as the lies can be, I trust that even though you ripped my heart out of me, You're still a good God that wants the very best for my life. Andrea's fbm about alabaster jars completely pierced me. How many more alabaster jars are you desiring of me? You've already got my biggest jar.. and You're only gonna ask for more.. until I completely, completely, completely, YOURS. I'm gonna crack every single alabaster jar before Your feet and wipe it up with my tears to a point where I can truly say, "It's just You and me here now..only You and me...." and that'd be more than sufficient.

So I CHOOSE to consider everything in my life a RUBBISH.. comparing to the surpassing greatness of knowing my Lord Jesus. Thank You, Lord Jesus.