Thank You, Lord Jesus

On my 25 min drive to school, I turned up some worship music and wanted to start thanking God for all He has blessed me with. I found myself unable to put anything into words but simply say, "Thank You, Lord Jesus..Thank You, Lord Jesus..Thank You, Lord Jesus..Thank You, Lord Jesus.." for the whole 25 minutes. As I repeated it over and over again, I felt Him placed His mighty hand upon my heart and healing me..healing me..healing me from all the stuff that happened over the summer. I became so speechless that I didn't even know if I should cry or laugh..or both (which I ended up doing). I CAN think of reasons to be sad or ripped.. but when I truly open the eyes of my heart, the little blessings around me are all beautiful gifts from God..to show me how much He adores and cares for me. I never knew that just simply saying "Thank You, Lord Jesus" over and over again can bind up those wounds.

And all I can say is
Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Quick to Listen

My beautiful lady-like fingers as of Thanksgiving :)

It's so good to be able to hear the voice of my 2 good friends early in the morning. RoRo called me to wake me up..then I called ToTo to wake her up. It's EVEN BETTER to be able to just close my eyes, breathe in, the ponder upon the fact that I AM LIVING TODAY. Not only am I living, I have the BREATH OF LIFE..eternal life! Everyday is beautiful blessing from our Ahbujii. It's so good to be able to hear worship music playing in the background, to taste delicious sweet grapes with my awesome tastebuds, to open my eyes and read the Word, to move my fingers and journal my mind out... GOD IS SO GOOD!!! When did we start forgetting all these spiritual blessings? Thank You, Jesus, the Giver of all things. YOU ARE SO GOOD.

James 1: 19-25
Ahbujii, teach me to be QUICK TO LISTEN and slow to speak today. Teach me to not be still and listen intently for Your voice. Search me, HolyGee, for any filth left in my heart...search me with Your Word, the awesome Sword of the Spirit. Root from my heart all the weeds that crowd up and prevent a deeper fellowship with You. Engrain Your Word in me.. that I may come to understand more of Your rest, Your freedom, Your restoration through the precious blood of Your Son. Your Word is the mirror that reveals the core of who I truly am.. remove my eyes from finding identity from this broken world. Today is Yours. Today, I will listen.

...cause you're my SIS in CHRIST

I'm doing this because I love you, care for you, and desire so deeply for you to find healing and restoration from our Lord Jesus Christ. Yes, I have moved on. I am at complete peace. But I'm still constantly praying for you, thinking about you, and interceding for you. I have not forgotten you or the uncountable friendship memories we've had. You're a very precious and dear sister in Christ and friend. I can't do anything now.. but try my best to spur you towards Jesus Christ and not me. I can't do anything but try my best not to be a stumbling block in ANYWAY. People come and go, but our Ahbujii remains constant forever. As you wrote, let's make "every effort to ENTER HIS REST." Lets guard our intimacy with Ahbujii with ALL OF OUR LIFE. There is no such thing as "someone you can't live without." We can't live without the HolyGee.

Thank You, Lord Jesus for the ways you've worked in me this past Thanksgiving. There are so many times I cracked and shattered.. but You still brought me through each painful moment with more than enough of YOUR grace. There were moments I wanted to give up and screw it all.. but Your HolyGee gave me strength to keep enduring in midst of my storms of emotions. My feelings and my mind will not drive me anymore. HolyGee, I will follow Your voice only.

LOVE

taken by JT :)

Friend: Do you remember what your bro said "love" was?
Twig: Doing whatever it takes to bring someone CLOSER TO JESUS CHRIST
Friend: I love you

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for friendships that spur me on TOWARDS YOU.
Thank You, Lord Jesus, for FRF and clearing of all frustrations and misunderstandings. I'm not bitter, complaining, or sad anymore. I'm joyful for all that has happened this Thanksgiving!!!

Dear beautiful DAUGHTER of our AHBUJII,
This is my best way to love you right now. I know the focus is not to avoid you or run away from you. The focus is our own intimacy with our Lord Jesus Christ. As of right now, my best way to care for you is to not be a stumbling block. I am more than willing to do all that I am right now. It is such a beautiful joy. I will pray against Evil Bastard's lies. I will pray for your heart.
Love, Sister in Christ

Dear beautiful CREEPER :),
You'll be OKAY. God's mighty hands are upon you. His precious blood covers you through and through. I'm praying and interceding for you, sister. I can't wait to see you soon!!!
Love, Creepee

Let's look to our Lord Jesus Christ. There is no better place to find healing and restoration!!!

Groans

Taken by Kinpuffs @ IVCF Retreat 2009

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who LOVE him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8: 26-28

3 months ago, I was laying down on a cot after a rough and draining deliverance. You gave me not only Your Son Jesus Christ, but a very special gift that would bolster our intimacy. You KNEW exactly what I needed to fight and cry through the next three months.. YOU knew that the stronghold was so deep, the hurt is so painful..and that my words will be completely insufficient to express those groans. HolyGee, thank You so much for interceding for me when my tears, screams, and words are terribly inadequate. Thank You for groaning with me and feeling the burdens of my weaknesses and sufferings. Thank You for praying with me and FOR me so that I may draw closer to my Father's will in midst of all this. Thank You so much for sharing every single burden with me, crying ever single tear with me. Many times, I felt as if You were not there..but in retrospect, YOUR GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR MY EVERY NEED.

Thank You so much.

P.S. Kinpuffs is coming back SATURDAY!!!! :)
P.S.S I usually don't remember my dreams or remember the really agonizing ones. Last night, I dreamt that I was the best longboarder at UTD! Pwned!
P.S.S.S I can't keep skipping church everytime they're back. When WinterBreak hits, does that mean I'm gonna be skipping church for 4 weeks? No, that's just unhealthy. I need to find a secondary church.. any suggestions?

Flagpole

because You have redeemed me
because You did not spare Your Son, but gave Him up for MY freedom
because You have washed away my hell nights of shame
because You never stop pouring blessings unto me
because You discipline me harshly out of LOVE
because You rip every inch of my life that is not pleasing to You
because just like the flagpole, You stand strong when my heart crashes down
because You have shown me Your heart and reveal to me how much You desire me
because You crave for intimacy with me
because Your heart breaks when You see mine break
because for the past 3 months, You have never let me go..NOT ONCE
because You have given me a special gift that I may express even when I can't express the mourns of my heart
because You have given Baby Kaitlynn to me when I can't handle it anymore
because You gave given me many wonderful sisters in Christ
because You have ripped away a sister in Christ for MY and HER sake
because Your eyes must be extremely..... melting.

and even if You didn't do any of the above, I will still believe You're good.
You're good regardless of the circumstances.
You're good when I'm throbbing on the ground, rolling in pain. You're good even when my pain is too overwhelming.
You are GOOD. You are GOOD. You are GOOD.

You give and take away,
You give and take away,
but my heart will choose to say,
BLESSED BE YOUR NAME.

I love You, Ahbujii. I give thanks to You, not with my words or actions. I give You my life and every inch of myself. I've been brutal to my heart the past three months.. completely disregarding it.. completely crushing and shattering it. I have killed my own heart over and over again just to follow Your voice..and I will only continue to do so. I desire and long for You so much.. and there's nothing else that can take that away. I will guard my intimacy with You with ALL OF MY LIFE.

Thanks for my Houston Creeper who has been interceding for me :)

"help my beloved sister back at other living place. be with her, and fill her with contentment at what You have done in her life. You can turn around dire circumstances and use it for Your glory as testimony. fill her life and show her unconditional love! hold her in Your arms and cradle her as she continues to cope with her conditions. i plead for You to reveal her genuine feelings and heal the pain"

Thanks for the fun day with STIK today!

Hey... thanks for being my friend, Jesus.
Thanks for the flagpole. Thanks for uncountable PSHS memories.
Thanks for Thursdays 7th period.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jesus!

Heavenly Father,

I know You understand my heart. I know that Your mighty hands are upon me. Thanks for understanding..because no one else does. Many times, I don't even understand. Will You please sustain me? I trust in You to bring me through. This time, I'm not running away. I will be genuine with my feelings, as painful as it may be. I will pour my heart out to You, for You're the only One I can give every inch of my life to.

Lay back against You and breathe,
Feel Your heartbeat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming.

A Meal Together

Ines asked me, "What exactly is it that you want?"

"I just want us to sit down and have a meal together..."

A meal. It sounds so simple.. but means so much to me. The above picture was from our Thanksgiving meal last year 2008 at Friday's. The food wasn't all that great..but our bond and relationship is something I can't put into words. Our timed-conference calls. Our WingStop visits. Our walks at the park. Our crying. Our sharing. Our laughing. Our sleepovers. Our hair-plucking. Our prayers. Our bible-verse sharing. Our accountability. Our car rides in Agua. Our friendship. Our sisterhood in Christ.

But no, none of these belong to us. We don't belong to each other. We belong to our LORD JESUS CHRIST. When He wants to pluck it away, we can only let go and let Him take it..knowing that it's the best for us. Our friendship is His to give, His to break, and His to restore. We may not all be together..but I know this is the deepest love and reconciliation we have ever shown each other. It's the deepest fellowship we've had with each other..APART from each other and the deepest form of intimacy we have with the Lord.

We've made mistakes but God redeemed what Satan destroyed. We may be physically apart but I'm so glad..because I have never experienced such DEEP reconciliation before. Sometimes, the deepest reconciliation is the moment we learn to LET GO. If He restores us, great. If He doesn't, it'll be sad.. but He'll bring me through it and I'll rest in peace.

I'm content with where I am now. Thank You, Lord Jesus. I love my dear friends so much.. but that love comes from YOU. I love you, Ahbujii, so much more than them.. so much more than anything. I will guard my intimacy with You.. with MY LIFE.

Above all, the most important thing is that.. even if we're not with each other, WE WILL ALWAYS BE UNDER GOD'S ALMIGHTY POWERFUL LOVING HANDS..AND THAT IS THE GREATEST PLACE TO BE.

At Peace

Mangg.. I'm really gonna miss my one-on-one's with Kinpuffs & Evonne this weekend :( Wah~Wah!

On the other hand, I'm completely at peace with whatever is going to happen over Thanksgiving. Lord Jesus, I know You're in control either ways! I can't wait to see what You're gonna reveal to me, HolyGee- whether it's the unseen parts of my heart or more pain. You won't give me more than I can handle. Bei2 kept asking me tonight, "DO YOU TRUST GOD?!?!" (Thanks for being frustrated at me tonight! Te he he)

I trust You, HolyGee.
May everything that happen bring me closer into Your arms, for it's only in Your arms I desire to be. You and I- TIGHT BABY!

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free

Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…

This Morning

-Praying with To To on the phone

- Getting a really encouraging text

"Good morning Twiggggg!! :D a verse: God says, "you are my servant, I have chosen and not cast you off; fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41: 9b-10)- He will provide the self-control you need and still hold you up :) He'll be with you thru the whole break and forever and ever! Show Him your genuine feelings (you can't hide them anyway) and He promises to strengthen and help you :) I hope you're having a good day! God's sun is shining!"
-- Thanks Evonne. Your texts always come in at the right time. Thank You Lord.

-So burdened..but carrying my baby niece always makes me so =)!! When I carry her, it's as if all my worries just go away.. what a weird effect.

- "HELLO CROWNED ONE? WHY ARE YOU NOT BEING GENUINE WITH YOUR FEELINGS? YOU HAVE NO TIME CAUSE OF YOUR CHEM EXAM? No, come to me now and pour your heart to me. I will take care of your grades."

Okayy.. 3 hours before Chem exam. No where near ready!!! He will provide a way :)

I Know

You're with me. and that's all I need.

I Have Decided..

I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back.

Even if I have to go through what I went through this morning for the rest of my life, I'm willing to. I'm willing to go through as much pain as you allow, cry as much tears as you want, give up as much as You desire..

My heart never agreed to this but it has become the ultimate victim. I followed Your voice but my heart had to suffer. It's okay. I know You've been healing me through and through. You are so good to me.
Even when Your discipline may seem so ruthless and violent. I know that deep down, You're full of so much love for me..so much love that I can just drown in it.

Your cross compels me from the bottom of my heart. I can't help but listen to Your voice. I can't help but give You all that I am. I can't help but love You back, no matter the circumstance, the hurt, the cost. Your cross is too compelling, too irresistable.

I have chosen You. I will choose You everyday. I love You, my Ahbujii.

Waitress

Awww.. aren't they KAHYOOOTT?!

I went to lunch at IHOP with Clementine for lunch today :) It was his birthday and I wanted to treat him. We went to the same IHOP last year too!!

When the waitress came along, Clementine asked her,
"Hey, we're about to pray for our food. Can we pray for you in anyway?"

I was utterly shocked but just smiling away :) SERIOUSLY?!?! :) :) :)
The waitress shared a couple of stuff..and we prayed for her before we dug into our delicious big country fried steak + mushroom&spinach omelet. Then.. tipped her 10 bucks. I spent a little bit more than 30 bucks at IHOP.. but I have NEVER BEEN SO JOYFUL to tip in my life. Talk about missions everywhere we go. I can't wait to ask that question to other waitresses in my life. (if I have the courage T.T)

Thank You for a brother who strives to shine out for you in all that he does. Thank YOU, Lord Jesus. Thank YOU. Praise YOU.

Wah-Wah!!

Hello Baby Kaitlynn,

My beloved niece :) You are SO BEAUTIFUL. I was so mesmerized just staring and carrying you around this morning. You're so weak, so small, so frail..and yet, Daddy's mighty hands are upon you :) Auntie Twig wasn't feeling that great since last night.. but today, you totally made me smile! You keep WAH-WAH~ just like auntie Twig :] You wahh-wahh, I wahh-wahh, we wahh-wahh together, okayz? He he he.

WAHHH~WAHHH!! :)

Just You and Me

Taken By Kinpuffs @ IVCF Retreat 2009

Tonight was kind of heavy. Thank You for Kinpuffs who provided a place to SOAK. Thank You for Evonne who searched for me in the cold. Thank You for Ines who I can be completely open and honest to. Thank You for giving me such a deep desire to follow You. Thank You.

I want to leave this whole world and just be with You forever. I want to retreat and just be in your presence. I want to let go of all these thoughts, all these feelings..and just melt in Your arms. I just want to be with You, Ahbujii.

Whatever You say, I'll really do it. Being in Your will is the best place to be. It hurts but I'll rather throb in pain than to lose sight of You. I don't want any sin, any person, anyTHING to come between us.. I can't imagine myself apart from You. Please keep me close by Your side. I desire to know the FULLNESS of You.. so much that I'm really willing to let go of anything dear to me. I just want You. I just need You. Will You take me away into a world of just You and me tonight? I want to dream about You. I want to feel You holding me tight. I want to see Your eyes weep with mine. I want to cling tightly unto Your almighty hand. You, You, You, and You only.

I sound ridiculous but it's because I just long for You so much..
My heart is Yours. All of it. I don't want to hold on to anything.

Please, Ahbujii.

I Have Been Waiting..

for this day since FOREVER. The family is FINALLY COMPLETE. I realize that I do have a very deep desire for something. Out of all the things, I desire the most.. is to be on a mission trip with my family. It doesn't even have to be an actual mission trip. I truly wish from the bottom of my heart that the Setiawan family will love each other deeply as Christ loves...that we will be a reflection of the CROSS. There are still so many barriers but I know that by the blood of Jesus Christ, we can strive to be a family that gives HIM glory. GIVE HIM ALL THE GLORY.

Thank You so much, Lord Jesus.

Thank You for my dad. On the car ride back home, he told me that I am more precious than any princesses in the world.. because I am a child and servant of God. That's what I've always longed to hear from an earthly Father. He has told me many times in the past, but it's not until I find so much worth in my Heavenly Father that his words penetrate through to the deepest parts of my heart. He hasn't been truly there when I grew up..but I know it's not too late. I'm gonna make good use of the two weeks he is here. I really want to learn from him..I want to hear about his intimacy with the Lord. Thank you for my earthly father, Heavenly Ahbujii.

Thank You for Kaitlynn. Uncle Clementine and I were talking about how much we want to pour into her life. When I saw her, I really wanted to cry. I want to hold her hand, cuddle up with her and read bible stories, spur her towards Jesus Christ, and see her as warrior of Christ! I can't wait to pour my life into her.. oh Auntie Twig! Don't you feel old?

Thank You for To To and the fellowship we can have early in the morning. Thank You for waking both of us up to do our quiet times! Thank You for morning prayers at 8am with her. Thank You for opening up our voices, raspy or not, to sing "This is the Day" on the phone!!

Thank You for Evonne and her continuous encouragement to me the whole week. I really love our back-and-forth texts.. and when I'm distraught or upset, her texts always seem to come in at the right time. Yesterday, in my extremely lonely class (where I'm completely invisible to my team members), she texted me, "Smilee! Show them GOD'S LOVEEEEE!! You're not socially awkward... how do you explain me liking you so quickly?!! :)" The second part was cute.. but it was the first part that striked me. All semester long, I've been consumed in my hole of loneliness that I have forgotten to show Christ's love to them. Sigh. But more than anything, I've been so encouraged by her desire to grow in Cristo. I thought I was going to pour into her life.. and I'm thankful that she's been pouring into mine as well...reminding me to fight temptations with the HolyGee...to be holy and blameless..

Thank You, Jesus. It's so easy to say that You're good when You continue to pour blessings into me like this. I want to be able to DECLARE "JESUS, YOUREEE SOO GOOOODD!!" even through sufferings, trials, and pain. You've been teaching me that.. and I am forever grateful. Thank You for a new day. Thank You for the BREATH OF LIFE. No, REAL LIFE.

"This is the day,
that the LORD HAS MADE
We will REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!!!"

Three In One

Three GREAT blessings in ONE day!

November 18, 2009
Welcome to Earth, Kaitlynn Setiawan :) I hope I can be a Christ-spurring auntie to you.
Happy Birthday UNCLE Clementine. Thank you for being the greatest brother :)
Welcome home, Daddy. It's been a long time. Driving you home from the hospital and hearing you talk about my worth in Jesus Christ almost brought me to tears. I missed you.

Thank You, Lord Jesus.
Thank YOU.

What I've Been Learning

Sitting with Kinpuffs by the Lake
Taken by JT :)

After talking it out with T-Homie last night, I pieced together all that I've been learning the past few days. Hehe.

1. Mind and heart are equally important. What matters the most is the fact that BOTH OF THEM yield to the HolyGee. The HolyGee leads, the mind&heart follows. Apart from the HolyGee, whatever the mind thinks or heart feels is not according to His will.
2. Guard the intimacy I have with the Lord WITH ALL OF MY LIFE.
3. God is GOOD because GOD IS GOOD. It doesn't matter the circumstances. Yes, He delivers me daily! Yes, He allows me to feel His presence everyday! Yes, He pours blessings into my life. But this does NOT make HIM GOOD- HE IS GOOD BECAUSE HE IS GOOD. It does not depend on the circumstance. It's His character. He is good no matter what I go through. Believe.
4. There's no such thing as "fully satisfied" in Christ. There is SO MUCH about our GOD.. we only discover more and more. Being satisfied with Him is a continuous process. It's an ongoing life process :)
5. When God is silent and does not make His presence known, it means he TRUSTS US. He moves us beyond high mountain-top experience and fleeting emotions with Him. It moves into a deeper type of trust and intimacy- Faith.
6. The Lord disciplines because HE LOVES. When we are trained by His discipline, a HARVEST OF RIGHTEOUSNESS (these 3 words blow my mind away) and peace will result.
7. LOL. I don't have to be suffering to experience intimacy with Him. Silly girl.
8. Spirit-led and Spirit-driven is different. Just because it's Spirit-driven does not mean it's Spirit-led. Many times, burdens that God has specfically put in my life turn into something very personal.. something that is self-led and not Spirit-led.

P.S. Why do I blog so much?

Ready?

Ah! I just finished talking on the phone with my Andrea T-Homie for almost three hours. I can't describe the fellowship two sisters can have when the relationship is covered by the BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST. I can't describe the beauty of spurring each other on towards JESUS CHRIST. I can't describe.. the fellowship and communion I've been having with my Lord.

Thanksgiving. Ready? Not ready?
I don't know! Oh Lord, examine my heart. Either way, it's a step of faith!
I'm ready for You to mold me some more :)

For now, I just want to rest in You. Ahhh.... You're so gooooddddddddd!!!Endless romannnnnnccceeeeeee

PLEASE AHBUJIII

PLEASE AHBUJII. Why don't You reveal Yourself to her?! I know You have your divine timing..but can't You see? Can't You see that her heart breaks into a million pieces everyday?! Can't You see all those tears that fall from her eyes?! Can't You see that she's drowning in her tears everyday, waiting for You to just lift her out?! Can't You see that she's destroyed by all the sex, all the drugs, all the alcohol, all the rape?! Can't see YOU SEE HOW BROKEN HER HEART IS?! She can't sleep cause daunting memories chew her up EVERYDAY! Can't You see that she never had a Home, never had loving parents?! SHE NEVER GREW UP WITH LOVE. Can You be HER LOVE?! Can You be the father and mother that she never had?! Can You meet her right now?!

"Ashamed. Worthless. Effin Bitch. Hate. Chaos. Dirty. Hopeless."
THAT'S ALL SHE HAS IN HER MIND ABOUT HERSELF.
Can you replace that with Your truth?!

"Freedom. Worthy. Beautiful Bride. Love. Peace. White as Snow. Hopeful."

If my heart breaks, HOW MUCH MORE DOES YOURS BREAK?! How much more do you itch to give her a hug right now?! How much more do You want to pour Your love into her?! How much more IS YOUR LOVE FOR HER?! How much more do You want to cover her with Your precious blood?! HolyGee.. Have Your way.

Teach me to trust in Your sovereignty. Teach me to let go and let You. Teach me to lay her on the altar, knowing that her salvation is in YOUR ALMIGHTY HANDS.

A Broken World

Taken by: JToro
"Light of the World"

Lord Jesus Christ,

It's hard. It's hard to see the Lost suffer endlessly.. to see them wander through bushes of thorns that hurt them over and over again. It's hard to see them submerged in lies from the Evil Bastard..to see them build their entire lives on the foundation of LIES.. to see them convinced by lies and driven by lies. It's hard to see them running into walls, wounded and abandoned, in this broken dark world. It's hard to see them crying by themselves when there's a Heavenly Father itching to just embrace them with His love and grace. It's hard.

It's hard. It's hard to see brothers and sisters in Christ stabbing each other in the heart. It's hard to see that the church has often has often become the building that shoots its own soldiers. It's hard to see brothers lead their sisters on towards themselves, and not towards YOU. It's hard to see my fellow believers living secret lives, swallowed up by their incessant cycles of lust, lies, regrets, shame, and loneliness. It's hard to see lukewarm Christians buried in their textbooks, leaving that LIVING WORD OF LIFE on their shelf.. dusty and untouched. It's hard to see a brother in Christ talk about suicide when his VERY BREATH is a wonderful blessing from You. It's hard.

It's very hard, Lord Jesus Christ.
You have come into the world to cover us with your PRECIOUS BLOOD and yet, the world rejects you with the very things You've blessed us with. You've come into the broken world to bring us healing and freedom, and yet, we choose to be chained and suffocate.

How can I explain to a Muslim that You are God? You are not just a prophet who witnessed, spoke, and died. You are the KING OF KINGS who came to this Earth in the form of FLESH (You were fully human and fully God!), suffered, DIED FOR THE SIN OF HUMANITY, and ROSE again!!! The Law only revealed how broken and nasty we are- it only reveals our dirt and our sins. But YOU came to FULFILL THAT LAW.. You REMOVED our dirt and our sins. ONCE AND FOR ALL. No more endless bull and lamb sacrifices! We don't need to pray five times a day, seek a certain direction, give to the poor, serve at church, love the homeless, make a pilgrimage to some building.. no more repetitive sacrifices! You came and died- ONCE AND FOR ALL. Oh Holy Gee, will You please intervene today? Will you please take over my lips because it's not my words or "knowledge," that brings someone towards the Father's love, but it's YOU, HOLY GEE! I surrender to you. You lead. I'll follow.

I plead for all the broken people around me. Will You reveal Yourself in a very mighty and personal way? I may worry for them.. but I trust that Your precious blood covers all wounds. I trust that Your mighty hands are so much more powerful than mine. I trust in YOU.

Please shine through my broken cracked jar. Light of the World, open the eyes of their hearts! SHINE!
Teach me to be a walking testimony..a walking blinding light that reflects the sacrifice You made on the Calvary. Light of the World.

All for Your glory,
Twig Crowned Grace

Hey..

Thanks for being my friend.

I Don't Trust My Heart

Taken by EvonneCreeperYang

(The heart is deceitful beyond all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
"I, the Lord, search the heart, and examine the mind...)

Good Afternoon HolyGee, Please search my heart. My heart is so terribly deceitful. Many times, I make insane mistakes because I follow my heart and how I feel. Even the most "spiritual" things, such as praying for a friend, worshippin`, reading Scripture, can often be tainted with so much of myself. I am often so self-driven, so self-sufficient. How exactly can a broken human examine her own broken heart? I don't trust my heart.

You have truly accelerated my healing through my intimacy with You. But.. have I truly healed? Just because I haven't suffered or felt throbbing pain doesn't mean I have healed. Just because daunting memories don't pop up anymore doesn't mean it is no longer a stronghold in my life. Please lead my heart. Please lead my mind. I can't do this on my own.

Apart from all this, I desire to follow Your voice, no matter how much it might hurt me. HolyGee, Your will is the safest place to be. I know You love me deeply and desire the very best for me..and therefore, doing what You will is the desire of my heart. I will delight in You, ONLY, Lord Jesus Christ. As Jie says, I will guard my intimacy with you with all of my life. Please examine me.

By the precious blood of Jesus Christ,
Twig Crowned Grace
------------
I was walking out of Anatomy, slightly discouraged. I checked my text and my lovely freshman girl sent me a really :D text.
"Good afternoon, Twig!! :D don't fight temptations alone! Lean on the *ghetto voice* HolyGee for strength! He has also equipped you with brothers and sisters :) but lean on Him FIRST :D the sun has come out! Wheee" -- Thanks Evonne.

I Am Your Beauty

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who FEARS THE LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31: 30

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3: 3-4

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16: 7

"Rather, CLOTHE YOURSELF WITH THE LORD JESUS CHRIST..." Romans 13: 14

Taken by Kinpuffs @ IVCF Fall Retreat 2009

My mom can't stop talking about my face. I don't know know what happened- stress? hormones? emotions? not washing my face? I know she cares for me.. but repetitively, she would point out how messed up my face is. I woke up one morning at Kinpuffs, dreaming that my mom straight up told me I was UGLY. =[

I didn't spend time with Ahbujii in the morning today. I woke up late at Morgan's, had lunch with Clementine, and spent 2.5 HOURS AT THE FACIAL LADY'S HOUSE. I felt so looked down upon. My mom can't stop yapping about how I don't listen to her.. can't stop complaining to the facial lady. The facial lady can't stop boasting about how many customers she has, how popular she is, how successful she is in the "facial-business," how many people she has "healed," blah blah. After squeezing out all my pores (hurts like heckk!!) and poking needles into my face and ear, my mom decided to spend over 600 bucks to fix my face. I'm very blessed to have a mom that would spend SO MUCH money to fix my pimples. I'm very blessed that she cares so much about me. But in the midst of it all, the Evil Bastards kept shooting lies into my head about how ugly, filthy, manly, dirty I was.

I came back home, realizing how much I missed my Ahbujii. Not spending time with Him for ONE DAY completely messed up my mind. I craved so much for Him to remind me of the TRUTH, the unchanging TRUTH about my identity in Him. It's absolutely no surprise that yesterday, Evonne and I (during our QT time) made a T-Chart of all the lies that the world throws at us. Then, we countered that lie with the TRUTH and searched the whole bible for verses to bolster that Truth. The first lie she listed was, "I am fat."

"To my beloved Crowned Grace, Stephanie Twig Charis Setiawan...

You're so beautiful. Even though you never saw my eyes, I'm not blind. I see it all. I see the acne, the pimples, the 10+ moles, the blackheads, the braces, the yellow teeth, the lovehandles.. I even see the scars that no one else sees. Let's not even talk appearance. I saw the nights in your past life where you fell into dirty cycles of sin over and over again. I saw the throbbing pain, the unending tears, the shattered heart, the agonizing silent screams, the fist that pointed straight to my face... I was there, weeping the very night you made the most horrendous mistake of your life. I know your going out and your lying down. I am familiar with all your ways.

I delivered you at LoveCorps. No, I deliver you EVERYDAY. I crushed every stronghold in your life and cast every demon attached to the foot of my Son's cross. I redeemed everything that the demons destroyed..and I removed your old heart with a new one. I sent the HolyGee into your life.. so that you can counter EVERY lie with MY TRUTH. Because of Him, you have the power to live a completely righteous, holy, and pure life for ME. I won't give you more than you can handle..and every trial I allowed in your life is only GOOD for you. I want to mold you to be like my Son, Jesus Christ. I disciplined you, ripped the idols out of your life because my dear Crowned Grace, I love you so dearly.

You are so beautiful to me. The precious blood of my Son has covered every mole, every pimple, every yellow teeth.. the precious blood of my Son has covered every sin, every mistake, every filthy dirt on you. I SUBMERGE you with the precious blood of my Son and I no longer look to your inadequacies because He took it all on the cross ONCE AND FOR ALL. My beloved bride, you are so beautiful. You know why?

...because I crown you with MY righteousness, MY purity, MY holiness, MY love, MY joy, MY peace, MY patience, MY kindness, MY goodness, MY faithfulness, MY gentleness, My self-control.

Crowned Grace,
I AM YOUR BEAUTY.

I love you.

Let's romance,
Heavenly Pap
Homie J
Holy Gee

One on One

what a JOY it is to give my life away to You, Ahbujii.
all that I need, all that I seek, is YOU HERE WITH ME.
HolyGee, HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME.

fridays are awesome!
met up with lacey. so encouraging. 4 hours of quietime with bei2. more qt with evonne. more biblereading with dana. delicious home-grilled steak/chicken/salmon/corn @ lychi's. kinpuffs's special "hello twig!" heading over to morgan's for sleepover.
i love meeting up with people. i love fellowship :)

credits to: anna li :]

hello evonne. don't forget to listen to the HOLYGEE this week..that your heart may be ENLIGHTENED to know His special calling for you. and thanks for spinning me around, creeper. it was fun :)

Treasure in Jars of Clay

Taken by Anna on Toro's HUGE..camera.
November 11, 2009- To Write Love on Her Arms
As Evonne says on a text yesterday, "Goodnight Creeepee! God writes love on your arms and everywhere! :) "
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"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplex, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

I have known her for 5 years now, ever since DCCYC.. but I have never seen her so beautiful before. Sure, she's pretty..she knows how to take care of her face, does a great job of cleaning her acne everyday. She walks around like a professional lady..so full of knowledge and intelligence. Her grades are sky high and everyone just loves her humor. But I have never seen her so beautiful before- covered in tears, face completely red, boogers flowing down her nose, hands covered in snot, weeping as she pours her heart out. She HATES crying infront of people. For the past 2.5 months, she hears my testimony and yet, doesn't truly understand. Though she's glad for me, there's always something missing for her. Thank YOU LORD JESUS, for breaking her down. Thank you for stripping her away from her health, her fleeting knowledge, her "intelligence," her financial savings, her logical thinking, her pride..thank You for CRUSHING HER. Thank You that when she disappeared for two weeks, You became her strength in weakness. Thank You that when she was quarantined, You became her sole refuge. Thank You that we were kneeling on the bathroom floor, hugging each other, crying out to You, and completely amazed at how much You love us. Not only did You send Your only Son to take the penalty of our innumerable sins, You continue to pour blessings into our lives DAILY. She was so beautiful..but not because of her physical appearance. She was such a beautiful jar of clay..with a BEAUTIFUL TREASURE shining out of her brokenness. She was so beautiful... because You are beautiful. You are the only beautiful thing in her.

I'm so encouraged to be surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ who love You deeply. I am so encouraged to see my siblings in Christ endure hardships and fight just to be obedient to Your voice. I am so encouraged even by a sister in Christ I can't talk to anymore. I'm so encouraged that she puts down our friendship in order for her to grow and be intimate with YOU ONLY. Friendship doesn't have to happen with constant communication. phonecalls, or oovoo chats. Beautiful friendship is COVERED BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST. I am so encouraged by brothers and sisters in Christ WHO LOVES JESUS MORE THAN THEY LOVE ME. I am so encouraged by a sister who completely pawned her laptop to cut off every sin that so easily entangles. I am so encouraged by another sister who pours her lives into youth kids...

Thank You Lord Jesus. Once again, THANK YOU..THANK YOU..You are SO GOOD. Ahbujii, I can't help but love You back with all that I am..

Thank You, Jesus

Picture taken by CREEPER EVONNE XD

for placing Your almighty hand upon my heart, covering me with Your precious blood, healing me from the inside out, and delivering me daily. My words and actions will never be enough. All of life, comes down to just one thing, that's to know YOU, ohAhbujii and make You known.

Thanks for giving me a glimpse of how much Your heart hurts for the lost. It's an HONOR to serve You, love the things you love, and hate the things you hate. Please continue to cover my heart with Your precious blood and teach me to be sensitive to the voice of the HolyG. Thanks for placing my 2 unbelieving friends in my life and calling me to pour my life into theirs. May You work through my actions and words and mold my life into the reflection of the Calvary.

Sharing my Faith

Taken my Kinpuffs :)

"My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercy reigns,
Unending love, AMAZING GRACE."

But.... HOW MANY LOST PEOPLE OUT THERE HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THIS GRACE?

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I meet up with my Muslim friend every Tuesday evenings. We plan to do a Bible-Koran study and share our faith with each other. Yesterday, we gave each other an overview of what our faiths are about. It was just an OVERVIEW and I was so overwhelmed with all the questions she asked. By the end of our meet, I realized how much I don't even understand about my own faith...so much for being prepared to give an answer to the HOPE I have. So, why again? Why do I believe that Jesus is the begotten Son of God? Why do I believe that He's also God? Why do I believe that His death on the cross washed away all my iniquities? Why do I believe in the Trinity? Why do we believe in one God and yet there are three entities? Why is Jesus the only way, the truth, and the life? Why is everyone else going to hell? Even with these questions, I still can't deny that my Father, my Jesus, my HolyG is real. I am 100% sure and joyful that I follow Jesus Christ. How can I not.. after all the things I've been through? But doesn't everyone have experiences with their "god" as well.. then what makes my experiences accurate and theirs wrong, or from the ..devil? I thought I asked these questions 4 years ago? Why are they still unresolved? I thought I went through Daddy's & Ly's sunday school? Are there even answers to them? Or is it just straight-up "I believe. Period."

Oh, I'm so excited. This Koran-Bible study is SO challenging my faith. It's true. Jesus Christ is FOOLISHNESS to those who are perishing. Even in my logical mind, it is utter foolishness. Apart from the HolyG, I would never be where I am right now. It is NOT my answers to her questions that will bring her to the blood of Jesus Christ.. It is the Holy G. I'm totally pumped for this. HolyG, please intercede.

How about my other broken friend who I'm taking a walk with at the park tonight? She's been through so much- sex, drugs, popo, stealing, alcohol, gave herself away so many times, attempts of suicide... you name it, she went through it. Now, she's in my life. She's covered with layers and layers of LIES from those Bastards. I know God saved her from those attempts of suicide for a reason.. I know God's not done with her yet. I know God has AMAZING PLANS for her. I know I'm in her life for a reason. Randomly, she would send me texts like these...

"I want to be happy like you, Steph."
"Hey Twig, I just wanted to thank you because I've run into and heard advice from so many people these past 4 difficult years of my life and only one person out of all of them to help me realize that my life is worth something and that I should forgive myself and that I'm so so so so blessed to have such wonderful people and resources...you have no idea what you being here in my life right now has done to the dynamics of it...you have changed me, steph, and thank you so much...really =) =)"

No, I didn't changed your life, dear friend. It's the Jesus in me. THE JESUS IN ME. She's so broken and for a while, I was so doubtful about speaking the Truth to her. I was afraid. Seriously, Twig? She's heading towards HELL. That is so much bigger than your petty fears. At retreat, God revealed a verse to me...

"For though we lived in the world, we do not wage war as the war does. The weapons we fight with are not weapons of the world. On the contrary, THEY HAVE THE DIVINE POWER TO DEMOLISH STRONGHOLDS. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it OBEDIENT TO JESUS CHRIST..."

I, Twig Setiawan, has the divine power to demolish strongholds and speak Truth to her through the BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST and the HOLYG INSIDE OF ME. Yes Lord, I will share YOU with her tonight. I'm merely an empty vessel to bring the Good News.. Holy G, once again, it is NOT my works but YOU that change her. I relinquish control and I surrender tonight into Your mighty hands.

Holy G, Have Your Way

Listening to:

Long after the tears fall I'm still your child

I put down my defenses and lay down my pride
Love and forgiveness flow in deep and wide
So I run to you and surrender all!

As I lay down my life
And pick up my cross
What a joy it is to give my life away to you
All that I need,
All that I seek
Is You here with me
Holy Spirit have Your way in me!

In times of trouble, though trials may come
The rock of ages is standing strong
I'm fighting battles, but the war is won
So I'll run to you and surrender all
More of You and less of me, God
More of You and less of me, God
More of You and less of me, God
More of You overflowing

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for You
You turned to me and heard my cry
You lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
You set my foot on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
You put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to my Ahbujii.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in YOU."
Psalm 40

A New Season

Picture taken by Anna
Kinpuffs & I worshippin` by the lake :) Pretty, much?

It's truly a new season of life. I spent the past months after missions trip just crying, groaning, and weeping everyday. It was so good..because with so much suffering, I was able to be intimate with Ahbujii in ways I could have never imagined. In deep pain, I found deep joy. But now, He has really called me to rise up. I used to cry everyday but I haven't felt pain in a while now.. no more suffering. I was so lost for a while, not knowing how to be intimate with Him. I even asked Him to break me more so that I can suffer everyday..silly, I know.

He keeps telling me that my intimacy with Him is not to be kept between us. I need to share with others this Jesus I have..and seriously, He has been putting SO MANY PEOPLE in my path that are just so thirsty to hear His Word. They are so broken and I find myself just hurt for them. If only they knew....
Yes, Jesus, they WILL KNOW..because I will be obedient to the voice of the HolyGee. Say the word, Lord, and teach me to be obedient to listen. Teach me to know Your voice...

I am doing a Bible-Koran study with my Muslim friend tomorrow. I am taking a walk at the park with my ..really really broken non-believing Anatomy friend on Wednesday. I really want to see Evonne grow during our quieTime 1-1 on Fridays. I really want to run this race with Mei Mei, and yet, learn how to have God-pleasing boundaries.

Lord Jesus, above ALL, remind me to receive from You everyday so that I may pour YOUR LOVE AND GRACE into other people. I am YOUR instrument of righteousness.
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[EDIT]
I'm kinda sad that I won't be able to oovoo-fellowship with my sister in Christ anymore. After our talk tonight, I won't be able to see her. I looked into her eyes tonight...the eyes that were streaming with tears. This is not the first time it happened. Everytime I talk to her, my heart just hurts so badly for her. LORD JESUS, ARE YOU THERE?! Can you see that her heart shatters into a million pieces everyday?! Don't You see that she's awfully lonely and broken? Why can't You just heal her instantly?

I trust in Your sovereignty. I trust that You're molding her daily to be the INTIMATEWARRIOR that You have created her to be. I don't need to be there with her. I know that your warmth will melt her upside down, inside out. You're gonna do some serious business with this girl.. I'm itching in anticipation to see what you'll do in and THROUGH HER. I praise You for ALL THAT YOUVE DONE in her life. Lord Jesus, may Your precious blood cover our prayers on Wednesday night 10pm.