Six Months Ago...

This song ("Beauty from Pain"-Superchick) brings so much Jesus-memories..

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

Thank You, Jesus, for beauty in pain.

Keep Me Accountable

From this day onwards, I have decided to NOT get on facebook, NOT blog, NOT get on my instant messengers, and NOT check my email BEFORE I do my quieTime, journal, pray, and SOAK. If you see me online, you can ask me what I learn that day from my Jesus-time. If I can't answer, tell me to get off (:

This is my commitment to keep Him FIRST everyday.

Blown Away

Tonight, I decided to skip sg to be with my friend who ain't feeling too good. I was sad because I wanted to see my sg girls.. cause I miss them and love them so dearly. When we made it back to the apt after tapping, Jenny&Kinpuffs&Morgborg were THERE waiting for us..wanting to pray for us. I was so amazingly touched as we held hands and just pray. Oh, my dear sisters in Christ.

Morgborg said something that blew me away. No, the HOLYGEE blew me away.

"The Spirit of God is closer to us than our very breath."

I don't know why.. but I became insanely excited. The excitement grew exponentially that my very actions and human words couldn't describe it. When I went to my car, "My Deliverer" played.

He is.. MY deliverer. MY deliverer. MY deliverer from all my wretchedness!!
Ahbujii brought me back to the night He delivered me at Love Corps.
Ahbujii reminded me that He delivered me DAILY last semester through all the rip and pain.
HE NEVER LEFT ME. Those nights, those mornings, those painful days... HE WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

"I was there...I was there..you did it for ME."

He is MY deliverer..He is my very personal DELIVERER.
In my car Gassy, I was screaming, crying, shouting, singing, praising, speeding... He is MY deliverer.

HE IS MY DELIVERER!!!!!!!

When I walked out of Gassy to my house, I took a deep breath in.

He is closer to me than my VERY BREATH.

He is so close to me. Oh He is so near!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will never breathe the same again.
He is right here. Right now. In my very breath.
closer to me than my very breath

[inhale]Intimacy[exhale]Be Near.

Let it EXPLODE

Today, after my encouraging talk with my Muslim friend, I turned up Gassy's speakers with her in the car..and bust out my all-time favorite. I screamed on top of my lungs to my King.



My Muslim friend asked me, "this song is about Jesus too?!"

Today, my dear Muslim friend questioned me about my love for Jesus. She asked why everything in my life is about Jesus.. when I eat, when I write scriptures on my notes in class, on my facebook statuses, when I sing Jesus-songs, when I pray.. she said that she doesn't see it in just me.. but in all my close friend's (Ines, etc) facebook statuses as well. We are all crazy for Jesus. She then questioned why she's not as passionate about Allah and talked to me a lot about how ever since she met me, I've been challenging her faith. Yeah kid, you've been challenging mine as well.

A huge grin came on my face. I'm really joyful that our love for Jesus is evident and moving in her. Did you know that my ministry with her started when she first texted me randomly, "Can we meet up and talk about Jesus?" Apparently, my facebook statuses about Jesus brought up a lot of questions and she wondered why I kept talking about Jesus, Jesus, and Jesus.

Thank YOU JESUS!!!
I just wanna explode right now.

EXPLODE! EXPLODE! EXPLODE!

Penetrate

The words pierced deep today. I was, for a moment, utterly speechless. I have nothing to say. I can't say anything. But if my heart was shattered just hearing it, how much more shattered is your heart seeing it all? I feel so utterly helpless. So much for not caring, I do care. A lot.

HOLYGEE, please penetrate. please intervene.

I don't understand. But... have Your way...

Valentine

Two words that keep popping up in my brain the past week.

Wretched. Hurting-Machine.

Repeat.

It was so easy to say that I've forgiven myself when I only had half to the picture. Even after months later, it's still sinking in. In the morning, I wake up.. and I'm shell-shocked.. "I did.. WHAT?!" I drive around and it just randomly pops in.. "Was I out of my MIND?!"

Yes, infact, I was out of my mind. I was not myself..AT ALL. But how can I turn back time? Now that I have the full picture, it's really hard to forgive myself for all that I've done. But He keeps asking me, "What IS forgiveness?" Does forgiveness have to do with what has changed, what hasn't changed, and the circumstances around me? Does forgiveness have to do with what I've done in the past? Does forgiveness have to do with ME? Who exactly is the King of my life? If the King of Kings have forgiven every single crap I've done, what RIGHT..what the HECK RIGHT do I have to not forgive myself? Do I still wear the crown on my head?

Forgiveness has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me. Nothing but the BLOOD OF JESUS. Have I truly understood HIS blood shed on MY behalf?

Believe me, I think I'm darn wretched.. but everytime I search my heart, I always discover that I'm A LOT MORE WRETCHED than I think I am. It's hard to face that reality. It's hard to not be defined by what I've done..but what He's done for me. Everytime I'm weak, the Evil Bastards ALWAYS use my past to play with me.

"You're worthless. You're nothing but a hurting machine."

"Look at what you've done! Is that how you love?!"

"You're gonna keep hurting everyone around you!"

But my Father just keeps popping Psalm 139 back in my face.. "Yes, Twig.. I know you.. every inch of you.. I know you more than you know yourself. I know what you did. I weeped at what you did. i SEE you. i KNOW you. I perceive your thoughts from afar. I discern your going out and your lying down. And dear Crowned Grace, I LOVE YOU."

He brought me back to Isaiah 54 today.

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

For your Maker is your HUSBAND-

The Lord Almighty is HIS name-

The Holy God of Israel is YOUR REDEEMER,

He is called the GOD of all the Earth.

The Lord will call you back,

as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit--

a wife who married young,

only to be rejected," says your God."

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed,

yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

nor my covenant of peace be removed,"

says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Thank YOU that I'm your intimacy, your love, your wife, your valentine, your beloved.

Thank YOU for being my Intimacy, my First Love, my Hubbs, my Valentine, my Beloved.

Happy Valentine's Day, Jesus. You can have all of my heart. It never belonged to me in the first place. Thank You for clothing me in white.

"Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

I‘m the giver of life

I'll clothe you in white

My immaculate bride you will be

Oh come running home to me

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

Our Love it unites us

It binds you to me"

-Tenth Avenue North // Beloved

NNC

I had so much to say but she called me from Breakthrough, rambled 30 minutes about Jesus, and then phone died. I sat there, half-laughing & half-crying, whispering.. "Thank You, Jesus.."
So blessed to have friends who are madly, deeply, insanely in love with the Father. So blessed to have friends who memorize bible verses with me, scream and yell truth into my face, and remind me of God's grace in my wretchedness. So blessed to have friends who I can do the most shameful things with..and laugh uncontrollably about VERY UNFUNNY things. So thankful for all my sisters in Christ...

NNC :)

Happy Birthday

My Bestest Friend :)

Taken by Pan Xiao Jie

"For You created my inmost being
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful.
I know that full well."

ROFL.

I had so much good laughter today. First with 3ma & Bei2..then a lot of fun with my IVCF girls in the snow + delicious dinner + games.. then laughing till my tumtum hurts a few minutes ago with Bei2 at this ridiculous hour.

What a good day! Thank You, Lord Jesus! I need to go to sleep T"T

Pictures credit to KINPUFFS!

I'm so thankful for the beautiful sisters in Christ He has put in my life. They ain't just normal friends.. they're my heart-to-heart :)

Cute Accountability

"What are you thinking about? Is the Spirit floating around in your head??"

"Hi twiggg!!! Whatcha thinking about? Spiritly and Godly and Christly things? :)"

"Are you thinking of HolyGEE material??"

So many different ways to ask if I'm taking my thought captive in obedience to Him. So cute. Hehehe..

Hold Me Now

Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel You in this place
To know You’re by my side
And hear Your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for Your embrace
I’m beat and broken down
I can’t find my way out
Jesus, hold me now.

I just want to be with You.

Hmmmm..

I receive a fb message from a brother in Christ today who included this quote from "Crazy Love" in his sharing.

"If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

.....wow.

Take My Hands

At Love Corps Missions 2009...
One night, Jiejie took me by the hand, looked me in the eyes, and told me..
that my hands were hands of righteousness.

God has used my hands to be out exposed in the light.. as an instrument of His righteousness.

To pat someone on the head and tell them that Jesus loves them.
To hold a friend and show them how warm God's embrace is.
To lift up the poor, needy, and broken.
To write pages and pages of journal entries for my King.
To strum beautiful worship to my Master.
To rub a friend's bobo (jk)
To raise them up as I abandon my heart.
To drive my friends in Gassy when they ain't got one.

Take my hands and let them move,
At the impulse of Thy love.

And nothing else.

Baba y Mama

Mama tries to imitate baba.. cause he's always so serious.

Tonight, because I couldn't go to sg, I got to stay home and spend time with my parents. It was very beautiful :) Though we were intensely cleaning up the house and my mom sounded impatient at times, it was actually really fun. I never knew it felt so good to do chores with them. My mom and I got to laugh at silly things together. Before going to bed, I realized that I have so many 1-1s each week.. but I haven't made an effort to make my own home a mission ground. I ran downstairs, sat down with my Baba and Mama, and prayed with them in Chinese. I cracked up so many times cause I kept spouting out Ching that didn't make sense. Even with that, they were pleased that I could pray in Chinese :)

I don't say this very often...but I do love my parents. and with the little time with my parents, I'm gonna commit to pray with them every night.

Clementine, please don't tell them I posted these pics T"T. I might get killed. I'm serious.

Mama thinks that Baba gained some weight on his tumtum
Baba looks the same in every picture. Mama is just silly :)

Negative

I feel really negative today. Maybe it's the weather..
I feel like I'm so insufficient, so dumb, so ugly, and so good for nothing.
I look into the mirror and I don't like what i see.

Anyways.. I need to go read some Truth before the lies continue building up.
Praise God for 3ma.

Unreserved Worship

"Her heart throbbed wildly as she made her way through the crowd. Tears streamed down uncontrollably from her eyes as each breath came heavier than the last. She felt the condescending looks of the people shooting like merciless bullets into her heart. All her life, she has been infamous for her shameful acts on the streets. Her life as a detestable prostitute has earned her the hatred of many women of the city. Even with this bad reputation, she disregarded the patronizing sneers and shoved through the multitude, clinging on to her precious alabaster jar.

She finally recognized Jesus reclining at a table with Simon the Pharisee. Many have come to the dinner to observe and listen to their conversation. Mustering up all her courage, she approached Jesus and knelt before Him. Tears flowed endlessly from her cheeks onto His feet as she wept and mourned bitterly. Then, she wiped His dirt-covered feet with her hair and kissed them passionately. Even as she heard the piercing snickers of the crowd, she cracked open her alabaster jar and poured out the perfume onto His feet. Many were appalled by her actions and were disgusted that a filthy woman would pour out her one-year’s wages unto the feet of Jesus. In fact, any sane mind would regard her as insane. What was she thinking?! Was she crazy?!"
---
2 words that has been ringing constantly in my mind: UNRESERVED WORSHIP - the very thing that is needed to take the gospel to the ends of the Earth.
Teach me what that means this week. What does it mean to have no reserves, no retreats, no regrets? What are the alabaster jars in my life? What is expensive to me and will cost me? What does it mean to be a living martyr for You, Lord Jesus? What does it mean to be a ... martyr for You?

Unreserved Worship.

Do You Remember?

I'm sitting here.. copying verses from Psalms for my dear friend.
You always have a way to make me cry.. even at the wee wee hours of the night.

It's CRAZY how personal these Psalms are to me.. how I can REMEMBER the exact moments that I read them.. how I REMEMBER the exact emotions and feelings I had at the time. I love making memories with You.. even though half of them were read when I was drenched in tears.. it was so beautiful. I want to make more memories with You, Jesus.

Do you remember this? It was so warm. I melted.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for You alone, O Lord,
make me dwell in safety."

Or this? McKinney campus.. screaming my lungs out in my car. You never answered back.. but I remember saying to You in confidence, "As long as You will, Ahbujii.. as long as You will.."

"My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?"

Or this? That was draining. I was insanely exhausted.

"I am worn out from groaning,
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears."

Or this? McKinney study room. A good kick off to Anatomy. I read this after feeling so guilty for texting a certain someone the previous night. LOL.

"Weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
You turn my wailing into dancing,
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."

Hahah.. this one?! MAN.. before Chem lab, that was so frigging horrible. I thought the whole study lounge could hear me cry.

"You are my hiding place;
You will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance."

ooo...remember that insane beautiful sky? It was a moment of epiphany. I almost got into a car wreck cause I was so blown away..

"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Hahah.. Chem notebook. Random bullets of heaviness. Almost gave out.

"Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God.."

This is our favorite. OUR VERY FAVORITE.

"O Lord, You are my God,
earnestly I seek You
my soul thirsts for You
my body longs for You
in a dry and weary land,
where there is no water..."

I think I've repeated this one 10x.

"On my bed, I remember You; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me."

There is nothing in this world that can replace the intimacy we had. You are IT. I have chosen You. No turning back..no turning back. I love You.

All of My Heart

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."

It's a promise. When we seek You with ALL OF OUR HEARTS, You'll be right there. I was wondering why God revealed Himself in mighty ways to some, but chooses to hide Himself from others. Perhaps, that's completely OUT of the point. He is ALWAYS THERE. We are ALWAYS in His presence. So why do some "experience" God more than others?

Some have done so much things - gone to camps, read so much scripture, prayed so hard, attended fellowships - and yet, unable to feel His presence. But this is NEVER what He wants. He never delights in the outer appearances..in the burnt offerings. He delights in a broken and contrite spirit.. a heart that is FULLY surrendered to Him. Perhaps, many times we can't "feel" God because we don't seek Him with ALL OUR HEARTS..we give Him some, but keep the rest to satisfy our selfish needs. Perhaps.. the things we are keeping..the sins.. are like boogers, clouding our ability to truly smell, hear, and see Him.

So we question..
"Why don't You reveal Yourself to me?"
"Why do You love Billy Bob more than You love me?"
"Why are You always revealing Yourself to Susan Mae but not to me?"

Perhaps.. it all comes down to the HEART.
Is our HEART truly His? Are we throwing off everything that hinders and seeking Him with ALL of our hearts? Are we radically surrendering our hearts to Him, no matter how much it would hurt or throb?

It's a promise. We will find Him when we seek Him with ALL OF OUR HEARTS.

In Jesus Name

I feel like I've been living with unanswered questions all my life. Many times, unanswered questions frustrate and confuse me..but in the end, God is able to change my heart.. to be OKAY with unanswered questions.. to trust Him and to be at peace in His sovereignty. I've had questions that fly back and forth in my brain..and yet, never voiced out. In the end, they just die away like they never existed.

All in all, my heart's cry is just to sit at Your feet.. there is no better place to be.. there is no where else I want to be. I want to dwell there and never leave..
----------
"In Jesus Name, Amen."
What does that even mean? We say it ALL THE TIME. I've learned that it means on HIS behalf, for HIS purposes, and consistent with HIS character. It is not just a magic tagline we put at the end of a prayer.. it means something. We should pray not for what we want..but for HIS glory, HIS power, HIS purposes.

My prayers : "Jesus, I feel lonely. Will you please take away my loneliness?"
for HIS glory : "Jesus, I feel lonely. But if it takes this loneliness to draw me closer to You, to truly know what radical dependency on You means.. then I am willing to be lonely as long as You desire."

My prayers: "Jesus, Debbie is sick. Will you please heal her?"
for HIS glory: Jesus, if Debbie's sickness is able to glorify YOU and bring others closer to the Truth, then she will be sick as long as You desire. Not my will, not her will, but YOUR WILL be done."

What's the HEARTBEAT of my prayer? Does it align with HIS purposes and HIS character or MINE? Do I pray just to get what I want? Or do I pray for His name to be glorified?

Teach me to pray, Lord. I don't know how to pray.

Small Group Girls

I truly love Monday nights. I can't thank HIM enough for my small group girls :)

• I thank GOD for Morgborg and the everyday encouragements she gives me through texts, verses, prayers-before-sleep, etc. She's my only and best white friend, hehe.
• I thank GOD for Jenny and our complete transparency and vulnerability. Thank God for our insane 4-hour conversations and accountability. Thank God for FORGIVENESS!!!
• I thank GOD for Evonne and the MICROWAVE-GROWING God is doing in her life. Our Friday quieTimes blow me away..and in many ways, she disciples ME. I thank God for our verse/texting & scripture-memorizing accountability and her cute personality~
• I thank GOD for Kinpuffs and just the privilege to run in this amazing race with her. Thank GOD for our sleepovers, our late night conversations, and how she tolerates my.. loud and obnoxious behaviors.
  
• I thank GOD for Anna and her really2 genuine desire to grow in Christ. I thank GOD for her openness and honesty.. her card-accountability (I'd have totally forgotten) and seeing her reach out to newcomers... completely encouraged me last Thursday.
  
• I thank GOD for Bei2, 3ma, and Debbie for our many years of friendship & sisterhood.
  
• I thank GOD for Amy and seeing her struggling (it's a VERY good thing!) to abide in Christ everyday and fighting to discipline. I thank GOD for her genuine desire to serve in large group and the many ways she makes Thursday nights possible.
  
• I thank GOD for Blessy & EeKayGEE and their presence tonight!
• I thank GOD for EKG because everytime I feel really down, her presence ALWAYS brightens me up.. God-sent Angel. :)

I love my small group girls. Thank You, Jesus, for the moments I get to know each of them personally.. for putting sisters in my life to fight this good fight with me.. and to check up on me when I wah~wah! They are all angels from You :)