I Moved

livingmartyr6.wordpress.com

:)

Hiatus

I'm gonna take a break from blogging. Infact, I already have been. My life has been so packed..and so many people to catch up with but not enough time.
I'll be back..sometime.

Oh, the best way to catch me is texting :)

If...

If You put these desires deep into my heart, will You fulfill them?
=/

Six Months Ago...

This song ("Beauty from Pain"-Superchick) brings so much Jesus-memories..

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

Thank You, Jesus, for beauty in pain.

Keep Me Accountable

From this day onwards, I have decided to NOT get on facebook, NOT blog, NOT get on my instant messengers, and NOT check my email BEFORE I do my quieTime, journal, pray, and SOAK. If you see me online, you can ask me what I learn that day from my Jesus-time. If I can't answer, tell me to get off (:

This is my commitment to keep Him FIRST everyday.

Blown Away

Tonight, I decided to skip sg to be with my friend who ain't feeling too good. I was sad because I wanted to see my sg girls.. cause I miss them and love them so dearly. When we made it back to the apt after tapping, Jenny&Kinpuffs&Morgborg were THERE waiting for us..wanting to pray for us. I was so amazingly touched as we held hands and just pray. Oh, my dear sisters in Christ.

Morgborg said something that blew me away. No, the HOLYGEE blew me away.

"The Spirit of God is closer to us than our very breath."

I don't know why.. but I became insanely excited. The excitement grew exponentially that my very actions and human words couldn't describe it. When I went to my car, "My Deliverer" played.

He is.. MY deliverer. MY deliverer. MY deliverer from all my wretchedness!!
Ahbujii brought me back to the night He delivered me at Love Corps.
Ahbujii reminded me that He delivered me DAILY last semester through all the rip and pain.
HE NEVER LEFT ME. Those nights, those mornings, those painful days... HE WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

"I was there...I was there..you did it for ME."

He is MY deliverer..He is my very personal DELIVERER.
In my car Gassy, I was screaming, crying, shouting, singing, praising, speeding... He is MY deliverer.

HE IS MY DELIVERER!!!!!!!

When I walked out of Gassy to my house, I took a deep breath in.

He is closer to me than my VERY BREATH.

He is so close to me. Oh He is so near!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will never breathe the same again.
He is right here. Right now. In my very breath.
closer to me than my very breath

[inhale]Intimacy[exhale]Be Near.

Let it EXPLODE

Today, after my encouraging talk with my Muslim friend, I turned up Gassy's speakers with her in the car..and bust out my all-time favorite. I screamed on top of my lungs to my King.



My Muslim friend asked me, "this song is about Jesus too?!"

Today, my dear Muslim friend questioned me about my love for Jesus. She asked why everything in my life is about Jesus.. when I eat, when I write scriptures on my notes in class, on my facebook statuses, when I sing Jesus-songs, when I pray.. she said that she doesn't see it in just me.. but in all my close friend's (Ines, etc) facebook statuses as well. We are all crazy for Jesus. She then questioned why she's not as passionate about Allah and talked to me a lot about how ever since she met me, I've been challenging her faith. Yeah kid, you've been challenging mine as well.

A huge grin came on my face. I'm really joyful that our love for Jesus is evident and moving in her. Did you know that my ministry with her started when she first texted me randomly, "Can we meet up and talk about Jesus?" Apparently, my facebook statuses about Jesus brought up a lot of questions and she wondered why I kept talking about Jesus, Jesus, and Jesus.

Thank YOU JESUS!!!
I just wanna explode right now.

EXPLODE! EXPLODE! EXPLODE!

Penetrate

The words pierced deep today. I was, for a moment, utterly speechless. I have nothing to say. I can't say anything. But if my heart was shattered just hearing it, how much more shattered is your heart seeing it all? I feel so utterly helpless. So much for not caring, I do care. A lot.

HOLYGEE, please penetrate. please intervene.

I don't understand. But... have Your way...

Valentine

Two words that keep popping up in my brain the past week.

Wretched. Hurting-Machine.

Repeat.

It was so easy to say that I've forgiven myself when I only had half to the picture. Even after months later, it's still sinking in. In the morning, I wake up.. and I'm shell-shocked.. "I did.. WHAT?!" I drive around and it just randomly pops in.. "Was I out of my MIND?!"

Yes, infact, I was out of my mind. I was not myself..AT ALL. But how can I turn back time? Now that I have the full picture, it's really hard to forgive myself for all that I've done. But He keeps asking me, "What IS forgiveness?" Does forgiveness have to do with what has changed, what hasn't changed, and the circumstances around me? Does forgiveness have to do with what I've done in the past? Does forgiveness have to do with ME? Who exactly is the King of my life? If the King of Kings have forgiven every single crap I've done, what RIGHT..what the HECK RIGHT do I have to not forgive myself? Do I still wear the crown on my head?

Forgiveness has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me. Nothing but the BLOOD OF JESUS. Have I truly understood HIS blood shed on MY behalf?

Believe me, I think I'm darn wretched.. but everytime I search my heart, I always discover that I'm A LOT MORE WRETCHED than I think I am. It's hard to face that reality. It's hard to not be defined by what I've done..but what He's done for me. Everytime I'm weak, the Evil Bastards ALWAYS use my past to play with me.

"You're worthless. You're nothing but a hurting machine."

"Look at what you've done! Is that how you love?!"

"You're gonna keep hurting everyone around you!"

But my Father just keeps popping Psalm 139 back in my face.. "Yes, Twig.. I know you.. every inch of you.. I know you more than you know yourself. I know what you did. I weeped at what you did. i SEE you. i KNOW you. I perceive your thoughts from afar. I discern your going out and your lying down. And dear Crowned Grace, I LOVE YOU."

He brought me back to Isaiah 54 today.

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

For your Maker is your HUSBAND-

The Lord Almighty is HIS name-

The Holy God of Israel is YOUR REDEEMER,

He is called the GOD of all the Earth.

The Lord will call you back,

as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit--

a wife who married young,

only to be rejected," says your God."

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed,

yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

nor my covenant of peace be removed,"

says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Thank YOU that I'm your intimacy, your love, your wife, your valentine, your beloved.

Thank YOU for being my Intimacy, my First Love, my Hubbs, my Valentine, my Beloved.

Happy Valentine's Day, Jesus. You can have all of my heart. It never belonged to me in the first place. Thank You for clothing me in white.

"Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

I‘m the giver of life

I'll clothe you in white

My immaculate bride you will be

Oh come running home to me

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

Our Love it unites us

It binds you to me"

-Tenth Avenue North // Beloved

NNC

I had so much to say but she called me from Breakthrough, rambled 30 minutes about Jesus, and then phone died. I sat there, half-laughing & half-crying, whispering.. "Thank You, Jesus.."
So blessed to have friends who are madly, deeply, insanely in love with the Father. So blessed to have friends who memorize bible verses with me, scream and yell truth into my face, and remind me of God's grace in my wretchedness. So blessed to have friends who I can do the most shameful things with..and laugh uncontrollably about VERY UNFUNNY things. So thankful for all my sisters in Christ...

NNC :)

Happy Birthday

My Bestest Friend :)

Taken by Pan Xiao Jie

"For You created my inmost being
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful.
I know that full well."

ROFL.

I had so much good laughter today. First with 3ma & Bei2..then a lot of fun with my IVCF girls in the snow + delicious dinner + games.. then laughing till my tumtum hurts a few minutes ago with Bei2 at this ridiculous hour.

What a good day! Thank You, Lord Jesus! I need to go to sleep T"T

Pictures credit to KINPUFFS!

I'm so thankful for the beautiful sisters in Christ He has put in my life. They ain't just normal friends.. they're my heart-to-heart :)

Cute Accountability

"What are you thinking about? Is the Spirit floating around in your head??"

"Hi twiggg!!! Whatcha thinking about? Spiritly and Godly and Christly things? :)"

"Are you thinking of HolyGEE material??"

So many different ways to ask if I'm taking my thought captive in obedience to Him. So cute. Hehehe..

Hold Me Now

Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel You in this place
To know You’re by my side
And hear Your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for Your embrace
I’m beat and broken down
I can’t find my way out
Jesus, hold me now.

I just want to be with You.

Hmmmm..

I receive a fb message from a brother in Christ today who included this quote from "Crazy Love" in his sharing.

"If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

.....wow.

Take My Hands

At Love Corps Missions 2009...
One night, Jiejie took me by the hand, looked me in the eyes, and told me..
that my hands were hands of righteousness.

God has used my hands to be out exposed in the light.. as an instrument of His righteousness.

To pat someone on the head and tell them that Jesus loves them.
To hold a friend and show them how warm God's embrace is.
To lift up the poor, needy, and broken.
To write pages and pages of journal entries for my King.
To strum beautiful worship to my Master.
To rub a friend's bobo (jk)
To raise them up as I abandon my heart.
To drive my friends in Gassy when they ain't got one.

Take my hands and let them move,
At the impulse of Thy love.

And nothing else.

Baba y Mama

Mama tries to imitate baba.. cause he's always so serious.

Tonight, because I couldn't go to sg, I got to stay home and spend time with my parents. It was very beautiful :) Though we were intensely cleaning up the house and my mom sounded impatient at times, it was actually really fun. I never knew it felt so good to do chores with them. My mom and I got to laugh at silly things together. Before going to bed, I realized that I have so many 1-1s each week.. but I haven't made an effort to make my own home a mission ground. I ran downstairs, sat down with my Baba and Mama, and prayed with them in Chinese. I cracked up so many times cause I kept spouting out Ching that didn't make sense. Even with that, they were pleased that I could pray in Chinese :)

I don't say this very often...but I do love my parents. and with the little time with my parents, I'm gonna commit to pray with them every night.

Clementine, please don't tell them I posted these pics T"T. I might get killed. I'm serious.

Mama thinks that Baba gained some weight on his tumtum
Baba looks the same in every picture. Mama is just silly :)

Negative

I feel really negative today. Maybe it's the weather..
I feel like I'm so insufficient, so dumb, so ugly, and so good for nothing.
I look into the mirror and I don't like what i see.

Anyways.. I need to go read some Truth before the lies continue building up.
Praise God for 3ma.

Unreserved Worship

"Her heart throbbed wildly as she made her way through the crowd. Tears streamed down uncontrollably from her eyes as each breath came heavier than the last. She felt the condescending looks of the people shooting like merciless bullets into her heart. All her life, she has been infamous for her shameful acts on the streets. Her life as a detestable prostitute has earned her the hatred of many women of the city. Even with this bad reputation, she disregarded the patronizing sneers and shoved through the multitude, clinging on to her precious alabaster jar.

She finally recognized Jesus reclining at a table with Simon the Pharisee. Many have come to the dinner to observe and listen to their conversation. Mustering up all her courage, she approached Jesus and knelt before Him. Tears flowed endlessly from her cheeks onto His feet as she wept and mourned bitterly. Then, she wiped His dirt-covered feet with her hair and kissed them passionately. Even as she heard the piercing snickers of the crowd, she cracked open her alabaster jar and poured out the perfume onto His feet. Many were appalled by her actions and were disgusted that a filthy woman would pour out her one-year’s wages unto the feet of Jesus. In fact, any sane mind would regard her as insane. What was she thinking?! Was she crazy?!"
---
2 words that has been ringing constantly in my mind: UNRESERVED WORSHIP - the very thing that is needed to take the gospel to the ends of the Earth.
Teach me what that means this week. What does it mean to have no reserves, no retreats, no regrets? What are the alabaster jars in my life? What is expensive to me and will cost me? What does it mean to be a living martyr for You, Lord Jesus? What does it mean to be a ... martyr for You?

Unreserved Worship.

Do You Remember?

I'm sitting here.. copying verses from Psalms for my dear friend.
You always have a way to make me cry.. even at the wee wee hours of the night.

It's CRAZY how personal these Psalms are to me.. how I can REMEMBER the exact moments that I read them.. how I REMEMBER the exact emotions and feelings I had at the time. I love making memories with You.. even though half of them were read when I was drenched in tears.. it was so beautiful. I want to make more memories with You, Jesus.

Do you remember this? It was so warm. I melted.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for You alone, O Lord,
make me dwell in safety."

Or this? McKinney campus.. screaming my lungs out in my car. You never answered back.. but I remember saying to You in confidence, "As long as You will, Ahbujii.. as long as You will.."

"My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?"

Or this? That was draining. I was insanely exhausted.

"I am worn out from groaning,
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears."

Or this? McKinney study room. A good kick off to Anatomy. I read this after feeling so guilty for texting a certain someone the previous night. LOL.

"Weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
You turn my wailing into dancing,
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."

Hahah.. this one?! MAN.. before Chem lab, that was so frigging horrible. I thought the whole study lounge could hear me cry.

"You are my hiding place;
You will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance."

ooo...remember that insane beautiful sky? It was a moment of epiphany. I almost got into a car wreck cause I was so blown away..

"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Hahah.. Chem notebook. Random bullets of heaviness. Almost gave out.

"Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God.."

This is our favorite. OUR VERY FAVORITE.

"O Lord, You are my God,
earnestly I seek You
my soul thirsts for You
my body longs for You
in a dry and weary land,
where there is no water..."

I think I've repeated this one 10x.

"On my bed, I remember You; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me."

There is nothing in this world that can replace the intimacy we had. You are IT. I have chosen You. No turning back..no turning back. I love You.

All of My Heart

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."

It's a promise. When we seek You with ALL OF OUR HEARTS, You'll be right there. I was wondering why God revealed Himself in mighty ways to some, but chooses to hide Himself from others. Perhaps, that's completely OUT of the point. He is ALWAYS THERE. We are ALWAYS in His presence. So why do some "experience" God more than others?

Some have done so much things - gone to camps, read so much scripture, prayed so hard, attended fellowships - and yet, unable to feel His presence. But this is NEVER what He wants. He never delights in the outer appearances..in the burnt offerings. He delights in a broken and contrite spirit.. a heart that is FULLY surrendered to Him. Perhaps, many times we can't "feel" God because we don't seek Him with ALL OUR HEARTS..we give Him some, but keep the rest to satisfy our selfish needs. Perhaps.. the things we are keeping..the sins.. are like boogers, clouding our ability to truly smell, hear, and see Him.

So we question..
"Why don't You reveal Yourself to me?"
"Why do You love Billy Bob more than You love me?"
"Why are You always revealing Yourself to Susan Mae but not to me?"

Perhaps.. it all comes down to the HEART.
Is our HEART truly His? Are we throwing off everything that hinders and seeking Him with ALL of our hearts? Are we radically surrendering our hearts to Him, no matter how much it would hurt or throb?

It's a promise. We will find Him when we seek Him with ALL OF OUR HEARTS.

In Jesus Name

I feel like I've been living with unanswered questions all my life. Many times, unanswered questions frustrate and confuse me..but in the end, God is able to change my heart.. to be OKAY with unanswered questions.. to trust Him and to be at peace in His sovereignty. I've had questions that fly back and forth in my brain..and yet, never voiced out. In the end, they just die away like they never existed.

All in all, my heart's cry is just to sit at Your feet.. there is no better place to be.. there is no where else I want to be. I want to dwell there and never leave..
----------
"In Jesus Name, Amen."
What does that even mean? We say it ALL THE TIME. I've learned that it means on HIS behalf, for HIS purposes, and consistent with HIS character. It is not just a magic tagline we put at the end of a prayer.. it means something. We should pray not for what we want..but for HIS glory, HIS power, HIS purposes.

My prayers : "Jesus, I feel lonely. Will you please take away my loneliness?"
for HIS glory : "Jesus, I feel lonely. But if it takes this loneliness to draw me closer to You, to truly know what radical dependency on You means.. then I am willing to be lonely as long as You desire."

My prayers: "Jesus, Debbie is sick. Will you please heal her?"
for HIS glory: Jesus, if Debbie's sickness is able to glorify YOU and bring others closer to the Truth, then she will be sick as long as You desire. Not my will, not her will, but YOUR WILL be done."

What's the HEARTBEAT of my prayer? Does it align with HIS purposes and HIS character or MINE? Do I pray just to get what I want? Or do I pray for His name to be glorified?

Teach me to pray, Lord. I don't know how to pray.

Small Group Girls

I truly love Monday nights. I can't thank HIM enough for my small group girls :)

• I thank GOD for Morgborg and the everyday encouragements she gives me through texts, verses, prayers-before-sleep, etc. She's my only and best white friend, hehe.
• I thank GOD for Jenny and our complete transparency and vulnerability. Thank God for our insane 4-hour conversations and accountability. Thank God for FORGIVENESS!!!
• I thank GOD for Evonne and the MICROWAVE-GROWING God is doing in her life. Our Friday quieTimes blow me away..and in many ways, she disciples ME. I thank God for our verse/texting & scripture-memorizing accountability and her cute personality~
• I thank GOD for Kinpuffs and just the privilege to run in this amazing race with her. Thank GOD for our sleepovers, our late night conversations, and how she tolerates my.. loud and obnoxious behaviors.
  
• I thank GOD for Anna and her really2 genuine desire to grow in Christ. I thank GOD for her openness and honesty.. her card-accountability (I'd have totally forgotten) and seeing her reach out to newcomers... completely encouraged me last Thursday.
  
• I thank GOD for Bei2, 3ma, and Debbie for our many years of friendship & sisterhood.
  
• I thank GOD for Amy and seeing her struggling (it's a VERY good thing!) to abide in Christ everyday and fighting to discipline. I thank GOD for her genuine desire to serve in large group and the many ways she makes Thursday nights possible.
  
• I thank GOD for Blessy & EeKayGEE and their presence tonight!
• I thank GOD for EKG because everytime I feel really down, her presence ALWAYS brightens me up.. God-sent Angel. :)

I love my small group girls. Thank You, Jesus, for the moments I get to know each of them personally.. for putting sisters in my life to fight this good fight with me.. and to check up on me when I wah~wah! They are all angels from You :)

Power of the HolyGEE

First Nations Missions 2009

I met up with my Muslim friend again today. Though I've been meeting up with her weekly and sharing the Word with her, there's still so much tension. There were even times in the past that my flesh would get into the way..and I would just try to prove my point across. There were times when the Evil Bastards tried to seek this opportunity to bring me down, remind me of how inadequate I am, how little knowledge I have of the Bible, and how pointless it is to share the Gospel with someone who is straight up Muslim. Sometimes, I feel so stupid when I can't explain the Trinity or when she asks a question which I don't have an answer to.

Today, we both acknowledged that in our own beliefs, both of us are going to hell. We also came to a conclusion that only ONE of us is going to hell..because our Scriptures directly contradict each other.
After proving a point today, she made me utterly speechless..and I was pretty discouraged that I could not defend my faith. I thought back to the times when I made her utterly speechless.. but does that mean she decided to accept Christ into her life? Is this about who can argue better?

I need to be constantly reminded that this is NOT about ME. It is not about MY knowledge of the bible, not about MY "persuasive words," not about MY actions, not about having answers to all the questions.. not about ME..

Instead, a verse given by a dear friend came up constantly in my mind.

"I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the SPIRIT'S POWER, so that your faith might not rest on MEN'S WISDOM, but on GOD'S POWER."

Lord, You love her so much more than I do. Your mighty hands are upon her..
Remind me to be SPIRIT-LED because apart from the HolyGEE, all that I do is NOTHING but filthy rags. Thank You so much for MOLDING ME through my conversations with her. Today, I sat on the toilet (sorry TMI) and as I thought about the uncountable ways You've poured into me, redeemed me from ugly bondages, and set me completely free.. I couldn't help but desire deeply for her to truly know YOU as well. Please unveil her spiritual eyes so that she can see YOU- THE way, THE truth, THE life.

Horrible Dreams

I've been having pretty bad dreams recently. Though they are often frustrating, there were many times I woke up in the morning and whispered, "Thank You, HolyGEE." T-Homie once told me that even when I rest in my unconsciousness, the HolyGEE inside of me is always awake..fighting for me, interceding for me, and drawing me closer to my Father through my rest. I didn't undestand what that meant until recently.. and boy, HE IS GOOD!

But yesterday, at small group, a horrendous dream came back to me. A night ago, I dreamt something completely horrid.. woke up at 3am, and was utterly pissed off. Perhaps it was so disgusting that I surpressed it and have forgotten it all day.. until small group. For me to recall the dream was completely agonizing, traumatizing, and shell-shocking. I've had plenty of dreams..but for some reason, this one topped it off. Perhaps it involved an innocent baby boy. Perhaps it reminded me of that stupid envelope I got in my backpack and I was young. Who knows.. I didn't even understand why I reacted insanely when the dream came back to me bit by bit. I sat in my car, Gassy, in darkness.. and was utterly fearful of my head and everythign around me. I frantically called a number of people but no one picked up. Finally, a sister in Christ came down from sg and fought through my fears with me.

Last night, before going to sleep, God revealed something to me. I prayed not for a sweet sleep or beautiful dreams. But I prayed that HIS WILL will be done through my dreams- good or bad. He told me that whatever happened to me, HE FILTERED AND ALLOWED IT. No matter what circumstance or horrendous dream.. nothing can get to me unless the Father permits it. The best thing is that.. He won't give me more than what I can bear.. and even better, all this to mold me into an image of His Son. All this to make me stronger. All this so I can depend more on the HolyGEE and HIS divine power. DEMOLISH STRONGHOLDS! Take captive every thought! Obedient to Jesus Christ!

But I really thank God, once again, for the wonderful girls He put in my life.

Thank You for a sister in Christ who listened to my screamy agonizing voicemail, called me back frantically, and spoke a bunch of GOOD Truth to me.
Thank You for the birthday girl who called me, listened to me, read Eph 6 to me, and prayed with me before zzzz-ing.
Thank You for Clementine :)
and thank You for the girls who prayed for my sleep! IT WAS A RESTFUL ONE!

Good or bad- may Your will be done, Master.

Heavenly Things

The thoughts in my mind and my dreams are CONSTANT WAR ZONES. These bright post-it notes are in the wrong cabinets..WRONG cabinets..and it's making me MAD.

Lord Jesus, teach me take captive my thoughts in obedience to You. Teach me to replace these things:
"sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, idolatry, anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language...(Colossians 3: 5-8)"

with these things:
"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy.. (Philippians 4: 8)"

that my mind DESTROYS all the earthly thoughts.
and think constantly of HEAVENLY THINGS.

Jesus, you DON'T fix what is broken. You RESTORE and RENEW it to the original design. Please transform me by the renewing of my mind.

Food & Fart

Neil Ge Ge @ Statefair 2009

Recently, I've been reminded of my eating habits. Seriously, I INDULGE. When I come home, the first thing I do..is OPEN THE FRIDGE. When I go to Bei2s apartment, I aim for the red box filled with yummy white chocolate. I eat bags of chips at 3am in the morning. I can't stop eating that delicious string cheese. I used to fast the 6th of every month to remember God's mission calling in my life.. but recently, Though I know that my body is a temple of the HolyGEE, I can't stop my tongue. Afterall, I LOVE FOOD SO MUCH that I REFUSE TO FAST. THANK GOD FOR TASTEBUDS! I really mean it when I say it.

Today, before my class, I earnestly went before Ahbujii in prayer. I asked for His Gee to fill the room, fill my heart, fill every word and every thought at that moment. As I prayed, I found myself just randomly babbling a verse, "My food, Ahbujii, is to do YOUR will for You have sent me."

... then..SHAHBAM....
"Is your FOOD, Twig, really to do MY will?"

I paused...then a flood of FOOD MEMORIES bombarded my mind.. all the JUNK FOOD, WINGS, FRIES, CHOCOLATE.. just came rushing in my head. WOW.

It was THAT very moment that God convicted me of my eating habits. Jiejie's comment a long time ago came back to me. She told me that whenever she can't control her food consumption, most likely, she is also lacking self-control in every other areas of her life. I'm not sure if this is true for me yet... but I think it was this very moment that Ahbujii struck me in the face and revealed how selfish I've been in destroying my temple and indulging in my desires. Argh, gluttony.

(OK. THIS IS THE AWKWARD FART PART. SORRY..)
After eating din din w/ 3ma, I wondered why Toaster's fart is gentle and never stinks while mine are always stinky, loud, and obnoxious. Then it CLICKED TO ME. It was seriously, A MOMENT OF EPIPHANY. Toaster eats HEALTHY..literally, salads EVERYDAY. Because she always eats veggies, GOOD STUFF, so what comes out of her body is GRACEFULLY GENTLE. And because I eat a bunch of greasy oily food, the products of my junk will naturally be DISGUSTING and ROTTEN. (I'm so terribly gassy to a point where my friend, Deeds, named my car GASSY)

ANOTHER MOMENT OF EPIPHANY.
This is nothing different from the SPIRIT and the FLESH. When we feed our spirits with Scripture, prayer, and fellowship, the fruits or.. farts (LOL) of it will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. SELF-CONTROL.
When we feed our FLESH.. the "fru-arts" of it will be obnoxious, digusting, destructive, hurtful, etc.. so what have I been feeding? my FLESH or my SPIRIT?

Please keep me accountable, my friends.
When we have 1-1 together or eat out, PLEASE make sure what I eat will PLEASE the Lord..I CAN eat oily foods.. but only with LIMITATIONS. I gotta
protect this temple so that I can live longer and serve my Lord.
3ma is gonna keep me accountable on my food consumption and working out. (I'm gonna start a food log TOMORROW onwards to keep track, hehe)

Ahbujii, may my food TRULY be doing the will of YOU who sent me.
Teach me to receive and nom nom nom nom nom nom nom from the BREAD OF LIFE that I may be completely satisfied DAILY. I wanna eat my with SPIRITUAL TASTEBUDS :)

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

nom nom nom nom nom JESUSBREAD

Prepare the Way

Taken by Kinpuffs at UTD IVCF Fall Retreat 09

What does it mean to "prepare the way for the Lord?" How can I prepare the way for the Lord through my studies, my discipleships, my IVCF ministries, my relationships, my words, and my actions? How can I point people to the Messiah? This new Spring 2010..what are His plans for me in THIS BROKEN WORLD?

This morning, I journaled, "HolyGee, can you be more obvious to me? SCREAM INTO MY EAR! I'm ready to do whatever You want me to..just SCREAM!"
Then He points me back to Isaiah 50:4.

"The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
WAKENS MY EAR to listen like one being taught."

Do I have any BOOGERS (LOL Sandy) stuck in my ear? Do I still have any filth and impurities in my life that is clogging my ability to truly hear His voice? No, don't scream in my ear, HolyGee. Teach me to be still and hear You in your gentle whispers. Just whisper in my ear.. gently..softly.. I'm ready to listen. Awaken my ear to listen to Your heartbeat for this world. AWAKEN IT! Make my ears attentive to the silent cries of the people around me.

Spring 2010 is all for You, all for You, my Commander.

Can't Sleep

WinterBreak messed up my sleeping cycle. Or blame it on my awesome friend who called me in the wee wee hours of the night aka 3.30am to talk. I used to be able to do 11pm-6am perfectly fine.. but I was tossing and turning for 30 minutes in my bed and then gave up. Here I am :)

So I'm just gonna say a few things I'm thankful for today:

• I'm thankful for my comfortable bed.. it really feels like green lushes grasses and quiet waters.
• I'm thankful for "He upholds those who fall and lifts up those who are BOWED DOWN." Psalm 145:14
• I'm thankful for the 3.5 hours I talked to DiiDii today..and EXCITED for his growth this coming semester! and all the awesome piano skills he's gonna teach me. and the discipleship he's gonna receive! and THANK YOU for his testimony!
  
• I'm thankful for the time I had @ EeKayGee's place today..and all the laughters!
• I'm thankful that Toasters has decided to quit her job!
• I'm thankful for an awesome sg girls- I heart Morgborg, Jens, Anna, Creeps, Bei2, Kinpuffs, Debbie, and Booger :)
• I'm SO thankful that LIGHT CONQUERED DARKNESS and dwelt among us!
• I'm thankful for all my sisters in Christ who have decided to keep me accountable with diff. stuffs. Thank You for those who texts me verses everyday!
• I'm thankful for 3ma (as Toast would say) and how she cheered me up today :)
• I'm thankful for EXCITEMENTS and SURPRISES!!! heheheheh
  
• I'm thankful for my FIRST DAY OF CLASS TOMORROW!

Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Renewing of My Mind

I have been transformed by the RENEWING OF MY MIND. I will take captive every thought in obedience to YOU, Lord Jesus Christ. Sin is not my master for GRACE IS MY MASTER. You are my authority and my King. Through Your HolyGee, I can demolish any strongholds that stand between us.

You, who search the heart and mind, SEARCH for any impurities in my heart. Replace it with YOUR LAWS. Teach me to delight in them!

"I will put my law in their minds.
and write it on their hearts."

The bright post-it notes in my mind are only for YOU.. memories with YOU. I will set my mind and heart on THINGS ABOVE, not on earthly destructive desires. You are my only desire.

Until The Whole World Hears

Lord I want to feel your heart
and see the world through your eyes
I want to be your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads

Ready yourselves
Ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves
Ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
We'll sing until the whole world hears

Lord let your sleeping giant arise
Catch the demons by surprise
Holy nation sanctified
Let this be our battle cry

Want to be your hands and feet
Want to be a life that leads
To see you set the captive free
Until the whole world hears
and I pray that they will see more of you and less of me
Lord I want my life to be the song You sing
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting your name up for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
we'll sing until the whole world hears
----------
As I meet up with more people on a personal level, the more I realize how broken people are.
But in midst of all this, He never fails to remind me, "Twig.. I'm sovereign."

I can't wait for IVCF this semester! Can't wait for discipleship!
I can't wait to pour into people's lives as He pours into me!

Lies

Jesus, help me.
They are bombarding me with lies.
that I am good for nothing.
but to hurt others.
that I'm worthless..

Cast it out. CAST IT OUT.

Rejoice

"I have learnt and I am still learning that joy happens not because of changing circumstances- but because of the ONE who does not change.

Happiness depends on circumstances. Often our happiness is marked by things going well. Joy – is a deep contentment that is in the LORD, based on trust in the sovereign, living God, who is there always even in difficult times. Joy is not a feeling: it is the deep down confidence that God is in control of everything for the believer's good and His own glory no matter what the circumstances are. Rejoicing is closely connected with trust in the Lord. Therefore I can rejoice always, and I will learn to rejoice always... and again I say I will rejoice :) My God is trustworthy! He knows what He is doing with my life." - Clementine

"Life is not about getting all the questions answered, but learning to live trusting in God the Answerer, and learning to live with unanswered questions unanswered."

Ahbujii, teach me to
REJOICE
through all circumstances.

BEST THING IN LIFE

Today was a really good day.

ortho apt. teeth hurts. rubberbands.
good quiet time. wretched but saved by grace.
STARTED w/ prayer con Toaster.
We Spent 4 hours with Deeds.
Parfait & 3 hours talk with Toaster.
ENDED w/ prayer con Toaster.
Christ-seeking, Prayer-centered friendship.
TRUST. Let the Gee lead.

Encouraging email with awesome verse/PR from Dii Dii.
Morgan's text with a verse about HIS LOVE and
elbows. :) love this sister!

Best part of my day:
Shutting off facebook & blogs.
Climb in my bed.
"I just want to be in Your presence, Ahbujii.. just in Yours."
The deepest form of intimacy I can have with ANYONE.
Laying in my bed.. blown away by His love & grace.
Just You and me. Just You and me, Jesus. like we drifted off to some island together.
Whispering, "Give thanks to the Lord..for He is good..His love endures forever."
MELTED.
He's here. He's here. I feel Him. He's here with me... it's so...warm...

Bei2 called.
"Ugh. Why is she disturbing my Jesus time?!"
She screams in my ear, "GOD IS SO GOOOOOOOOOODDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I screamed back, "I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Blown away by what she shared about CORE meeting.
Hands & feet shaking. Wanted to just jump out of my bed and scream, "JESUSSSSSS!!"
"Bei..."
She interrupted, "Thanks for being my friend, Twig.."

She ended with..
"The best thing in my life is to know Him and to be in His Word."
"CHYEUH!!!!!!!!"

Jesus,
You are the BEST THING
in my life.
Goodnight,
I love You.

Carrying Burdens

"And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."

"Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire...He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God."

Evonne and I were brought back to John 8: 42-47 (titled: The Children of the Devil) couple times in our quieTime together. We couldn't wrap around my mind around it.. that the Lost people in our lives were considered.. "Children of the Devil." They are the children of the Evil Bastards who lied to me, daunted me, guilt-tripped me, tempted me, shattered me, maliciously smiled at me, and destroyed me in my old life. The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing. They are perishing.

Last week, I went through a whole night of beating up myself because my precious friend has strayed even further. I reached out to her for 3 years.. and after 3 years of begging, crying, and interceding for her, I had to lay her on the altar and understand that I was merely a step on a staircase. It's the HOLYGEE that brings freedom.. not my words or actions. This past semester, I was so broken down in pieces that I completely forgot her..stopped praying for her..and ceased reaching out to her. I was so angry at myself..and felt "responsible" for her salvation. How could I be so consumed in my pain that I forgot her? How could I be so ridiculously SELFISH?

But the Lord countered that lie.

After a talk with a brother last night, I also found myself ANGRY that I don't reach out to people enough. People are broken and shattered.. why don't I make EXTRA EFFORT to bug them, irritate them, and make sure that they are okay? Why does it feel like EVERYTHING I do is wrong? Am I really not welcoming enough? Do I really form my own cliques? Do I really seem distant? Am I really THAT inconsiderate?

But the Lord countered that lie.

He told me that even though I forgot her, HE NEVER DID. I needed this past semester to renounce, repent, and restore from my old life. I am merely a VESSEL..
He told me that I am not responsible for my brother's spiritual needs. He told me that I did the best I could this past semester.. and the rest is up wto HIM. He told me that my brother is in a place where He needs to be.. that even though my brother feels really crapped up, it is part of His perfect plan in molding him into an image of Jesus Christ. It is NOT my responsibility. It is a BLESSING to keep others accountable.. but when I can't carry my own burdens, how can I carry others' burdens? JESUS helps carry the burdens, NOT ME.

HolyGee, You said that where You are, there is freedom. As Toaster and I reach out to our beloved friend today, we invite Your HolyGee to move.. because we admit our total inadequacy. May You shine out of our broken vessels.. may You anoint our lips and our actions. May You move in WHATEVER WAY YOU WANT TO. It is not our will, but Your will be done.

I See You

I think I sent this msg to Jiejie 1 month ago. And then I was playing around with Bei's camera and took a picture of it :]

"Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need"
-Tenth Avenue North "Beloved"

I asked Fioho what it means when Avatar (REALLY GOOD MOVIE, ZOMGGG!!) kept repeating, "I see you." She said that it means seeing beyond the surface.. beyond what meets the eye.
Jesus, I want to look deep into Your eyes.. I've always wanted to..always sought to, always cried to see Your eyes. I want to look beyond the surface level.. to dive into the corners of Your heart and truly SEE what Your heart breaks and beats for.

You keep whispering in my mind, "I see you.. I see you..."
Thank You for seeing me through the past 4 months.

Will You let me see You too?

P.S. Really excited for Dii Dii :) GO Dii Dii! JIA YOUU!! Spend time with Jesus :)

Twin Size Bed

My 2 big brothers (Clementine 26, Andrew 28) are currently snuggling with me in a TWIN SIZE BED.. and have both FALLEN ASLEEP. I wanted to tell them to go sleep in their own rooms.. but I find myself just staring at them. They're beautiful :) and I'm blessed to have such cute big brothers. And oh, one just started snoring.

Now, the question is: how am I sleeping tonight?

On the other hand,
THANKYOUJESUS
for reconciled friendships :)

Living Martyr

Taken by Kinpuffs :)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Lord Jesus Christ,

I'm completely blown away. When Wendy gave me that verse at Love Corps, I knew exactly what I desired at that time. Now, reading that verse again.. I realize that the VERY desire of my heart is to truly delight in You. I went through so much the past 4 months of my life and finally realize that the very thing I desired..the very thing I weeped and broke my heart intensely was NEVER my desire. YOU have been my desire all along.
I sat down and read through my journal entries.. how agonizing..how painful..EVERY single page. But now, looking back, You have truly made everything beautiful in its time. The thousand verses I have read in the past 4 months finally make sense. I really feel PRIVILEGED and HONORED that You would rip away such a deep stronghold. It hurt like hell.. but You did it because You love me and desire for me to truly experience the BEAUTIFUL RECONCILIATION AND FELLOWSHIP I can have with You...even if it took a completely shattered heart.

I don't understand. I can't comprehend this love You have for me. I have ROBBED You of so many things. I have forcefully "taken away" many things that are rightfully YOURS. Yesterday, You taught me that if I am willing to give up all...as in, ALL that I am, You will "throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you [I] will not have room enough for it." I didn't even understand what it means to not have "enough room" for blessings. It sounds RIDICULOUS. But today, I understand a glimpse of it. I'm so overwhelmed by this love You have for me.. I'm utterly speechless.

"So what can I say?
What can I do?
But offer this heart, O God
Completely to You."

Teach me to be a LIVING MARTYR. Teach me to experience martyrdom in my relationships, in my education, in my finance, in my ambitions and desires. Teach me what it means to have Your sufferings pour into me..so that [love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control] will overflow out of me. I am not my own, Master. I am YOUR living martyr.

Love, Crowned Grace