Living Martyr

Taken by Kinpuffs :)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Lord Jesus Christ,

I'm completely blown away. When Wendy gave me that verse at Love Corps, I knew exactly what I desired at that time. Now, reading that verse again.. I realize that the VERY desire of my heart is to truly delight in You. I went through so much the past 4 months of my life and finally realize that the very thing I desired..the very thing I weeped and broke my heart intensely was NEVER my desire. YOU have been my desire all along.
I sat down and read through my journal entries.. how agonizing..how painful..EVERY single page. But now, looking back, You have truly made everything beautiful in its time. The thousand verses I have read in the past 4 months finally make sense. I really feel PRIVILEGED and HONORED that You would rip away such a deep stronghold. It hurt like hell.. but You did it because You love me and desire for me to truly experience the BEAUTIFUL RECONCILIATION AND FELLOWSHIP I can have with You...even if it took a completely shattered heart.

I don't understand. I can't comprehend this love You have for me. I have ROBBED You of so many things. I have forcefully "taken away" many things that are rightfully YOURS. Yesterday, You taught me that if I am willing to give up all...as in, ALL that I am, You will "throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you [I] will not have room enough for it." I didn't even understand what it means to not have "enough room" for blessings. It sounds RIDICULOUS. But today, I understand a glimpse of it. I'm so overwhelmed by this love You have for me.. I'm utterly speechless.

"So what can I say?
What can I do?
But offer this heart, O God
Completely to You."

Teach me to be a LIVING MARTYR. Teach me to experience martyrdom in my relationships, in my education, in my finance, in my ambitions and desires. Teach me what it means to have Your sufferings pour into me..so that [love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control] will overflow out of me. I am not my own, Master. I am YOUR living martyr.

Love, Crowned Grace