Oh Canada!

Oh my goodness! Grace is calling me!!!!!!!! :)
(Let's not talk about that stupid silly mistake we made...... hee hee)

We prayed.. and I took a picture. :D

We studied...

I love my Canadian friends :) Good Ahousaht times, guys... glad to be in fellowship with yall even though we're miles apart!!! ONLY THROUGH THE PRECIOUS BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST!

Melted

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness, for His name sake."

I recited Psalm 23 over and over again..and I literally could have just MELTED there. I laid down on the grass at Russell Creek by the pond.. the sun, the ducks, the quiet waters, the kids, the parents, the grass, the trees, the twigs.. 2 hours was not enough. I could have stayed there forever. I didn't need anyone around me.. being in His presence was more than sufficient. There is nothing more joyful than this. I walked around the whole trail and couldn't stop praying for people.. every person in my mind, every person that walked past me. I couldn't stop singing praise songs to Him. I really, really, really, really love being in His presence. The world and my fleeting pains truly grew dim in the light of His glory and grace. I pleaded for God to penetrate through the hearts of the Losts..the hearts of my brothers and sisters in Christ.. with His compelling love. True joy rushes in only when I'm willing to lay every inch of my heart on the altar. True joy rushes in only after true deep pain. Oh Lord, You are so good to me. You are my One True Joy.

"Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked with my Maker's fingerprints?"
-------------------------------------
Happy Birthday to the bestest mom!! :)
Yes, I wrote in Chinese.. even though Ines Bei2 made fun of me and said it looks really F-O-B.

Intimacy

Picture stolen from and taken by Kinpuffs :)

As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after Thee..
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship Thee..

Lord Jesus, I am full of grief. It hurts me deeply to think about the ways I've given myself away. I've given myself away to others' approval, to my GPA, to this society. I've given myself to demonic, demoralizing images and videos.. and even sadder, I've given myself away to another broken human. I am grieved that in the past, I depended upon all these STUPID RETARDED THINGS to find my false satisfaction. I'm so grieved to know that there are pieces of my heart scattered everywhere.. shattered.

This morning, I come before You again, only to realize that there is a DEEP NEED FOR INTIMACY in my heart. Andrea calls it a "depth of heart" that both of us possess. You created this deep need for intimacy.. You, AHBUJII, hemmed me in with this desire for intimacy when I was still in my mother's womb. This deep need for intimacy can only be SATISFIED AND FULFILLED by You.. and I've relentlessly tried to fill it up with so much CRAP.

I'm mostly grieved to think about the fact that I've done nothing in the past but break Your heart. I tried to find lovers everywhere when my Greatest First Love was standing right infront of me, pleading for me to run into His arms. I was nothing but a whore. I'm mostly grieved to think about the rift that I caused between us.. to think about how badly Your heart throbbed when You saw me gave myself away each time I fall. You desired so bad to pick up those shattered pieces of my heart and yet, I blatantly pushed you away.. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Lord Jesus, my First Love, there is nothing between us now. The strongholds were deep, deep, and FRIGGING DEEP. Completing cutting me from these worthless idols was the deepest pain I've ever felt in my life. But Ahbujii, I chose to allow You to rip them away so that You can truly be my Groom. Thank You, once again, from delivering me from the darkness into light. Thank You, once again, for pouring joy and strength into my life every morning. Thank You that you picked up my pieces of scattered&shattered heart and replaced it with one that desires to only be with You. Thank You that even though I'm outwardly wasting away, the precious blood of Jesus Christ RENEWS ME DAILY. Thank You for wanting me, desiring me, and pursuing me always. Thank You, Lord Jesus for choosing to die for me. Thank You, Ahbujii, for being the best Father I can ever ask for. Thank You, Holy Gee, for leading me through ups and downs everyday.

My heart truly goes out for those who are daily choking themselves in their false desires. Oh Lord, please put Your mighty hand upon their heart and draw them closer to You. Please overwhelm them with Your compelling love that they may do nothing but love You back with THEIR LIVES. Oh Lord Jesus, I'm nothing but an empty vessel that contains a VALUABLE TREASURE. Please shine out of my cracked jar into the hearts of the Lost. Oh Lord Jesus, please use me to bring people closer to You. I'm ready, Master.

It's just You and me, here now.
It's just You and me.
You should see the view... So beautiful..
I'm all Yours.

Nah-Yeh Ahbujii!!

Yesterday, I was driving and screamed into empty air,

"Ahbujiii, How long more?! How long more?!"

Honestly, I don't even know what I was asking. How long more...what?
I didn't hear Him answer me but instead, I told him,

"As long as You will, Ahbujii...as long as You will."

Today, I drove and screamed into empty air as tears streamed down..

"WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD TO ME, AHBUJIII?!"

He is so good to me. As I lay there for my noisetime every morning, all my pain just melts away. I love being in His presence. His love completely sinks me in. I'm daily amazed. Daily amazed. My spirit groans and weeps when I'm not in fellowship with Him. I truly can't live apart from Joo-Yeo (my Lord)! Oh, Nah-Yeh Ahbujii, YOU ARE SO GOOD TO ME.

"God You are so good. for you are the Vine.
and I am part of your branches. i'm YOUR twig. I will remain in You.
I will let YOU wrap me in YOU
I will. I will. I am. I am. Amen"

P.S. I am turning Korean

There is FREEDOM

My beautiful sister, Laura Manson, @ Love Corps 2oo9

Why are You so good to me? That was the very question I've been asking over and over again. I don't understand. Why are You so good to me, Ahbujii? Last week, I learned that sharing in Your suffering is not just an HONOR..but also a whole different spectrum of intimacy with You. Today, I learned that sharing in Your suffering is an EVER-INCREASING GLORY. Gah! Who will have EVER THOUGHT that suffering is an ever-increasing glory? Only in Your name, Lord Jesus, only in Your name. You put me through painful fires to be molded and chipped away..so I can be transformed to be the likeness of Your Son. That is GLORY right there. It is the kind of GLORY that lasts forever. The HolyG lives in me and I have FREEDOM every second of my life. Glory and freedom only through the PRECIOUS BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST. Lord Jesus, why are YOU SO GOOD TO ME?! I wouldn't do anything to trade the intimacy I have with You now.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, THERE IS FREEDOM. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3: 17-18

I love You, Jehovah Rapha.

10/27/09

Owen @ Love Corps Missions 2009

Lord Jesus, I give 10/27/09 to You. I can't describe the overwhelming amount of work I have to do. I am clueless in Anatomy and Chemistry is like a totally different language to me. I ask not for knowledge and understanding but YOUR wisdom to point my studies back to You. I pray that even in the mundane things of life, You will receive the glory and honor that You deserve.
I lay my burdens before the feet of the cross and I replace all my fears for the fear of the Lord. I relinquish control and sincerely ask that You will, once again, wear the crown and sit on the throne of my heart. I crack open every single alabaster jar before Your feet and plead that the Holy G will reveal the inches of my heart that are not pleasing to You. I DO NOT, absolutely DO NOT WANT to do anything apart from Your will for it's in Your will that I'm secure and at home. Teach me to BE STILL and know that YOU ARE MY LORD today. Teach me to be holy and blameless in all that I do. Oh Ahbujii, You are the only reason why I breathe today. Let my life be walking fragrance of Your sufferings, Your death, and Your resurrection. Let my life be an aroma of Your abounding grace, love, and mercy. Here I am, use me as You will, Lord.

Studying

I miss my study buddy. Many times, I miss my study buddy so much that it hurts incredibly much. In the past, I would stick up my hair in my palm-tree coolness, snuggle in my bed, and study my butt off. When I look up on my screen, my study buddy would be there to walk with me through all ups and downs.

It's okay though, Twig.
Because Jesus is sufficient for you. More than sufficient.

Today was such a joyful day :D :D My life is so incredibly joyful.
Thank You, Lord Jesus. Teach me to be holy and blameless in all that I do. My spirit longs for you in this dry and weary land..only for You.

Passage I've been meditating on:

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; (doesn't that contradict itself?!) Set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do (what does that even mean?!); for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear..."

Dramas

I don't understand dramas. I really don't. The last drama I had was in 9th grade and it was pretty heart-wrenching. I lost a best friend I had for three years.. even a year ago, when my close friend and I found out that we liked the same guy, we joked about it, moved on and didn't even quarrel about it. It's really no big deal at all.

But people are so hurt from all the dramas that's been going on.. people are abandoned, exhausted, stabbed, betrayed.. even between brothers and sisters in Christ. Are they really..IN CHRIST?! What exactly is lacking? Humility? Understanding? Communication? THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST?!

This past summer, there's so much that happened in my life.. and I don't even consider it a drama. Though it was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life, it was also the greatest stepping stone. I really praise God that He has the full ability and power to redeem all that Satan destroyed. Even though my friend and I are completely cut from one another, I believe that this break is the deepest kind of reconciliation we can have with God and each other. It's a very heart-wrenching, yet EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL break. Thank You, Jesus.

Sandy did insist that I have drama in my life though..but with God. It's true. I've got some intense drama with my Ahbujii every single day. It goes from falling unto the ground, rolling back and forth, screaming my lungs out to an empty house, pounding on the walls, running to the bathroom almost puking, speaking in words I don't even understand, shaking my fist and asking why, pillows drenched in tears, agonizing journal entries, disregarding red lights and zooming down the streets... to laying on my bed in complete peace, raising my hands and yelling out praise songs, soaking in His love and melting in His grace, feeling warm shivers down my body, random comfort through visions, rejoicing in my pain, His patience in my impatience.. and best of all, having my Father whisper in my ear, "Yes, I'm here.. I'm here.."
I've got the most intense..yet best drama in the world..with my bestest Lover and Friend. :)

During my SOAK time today, "My Beloved" was playing in the background..

"I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And I'll hide you in the shadow of My strength,
I'll take you to My quiet waters,
I'll restore your soul.
Come rest in me and BE MADE WHOLE.."

I just laid on my bed..and literally melted.
"Yes, Lord, I'll rest in You..ONLY YOU... please make me whole.."

and dozed off...zzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Random quote: "If something cannot be done to the GLORY OF GOD, then we can be sure it must be OUT OF THE WILL OF GOD."

OoVoO Fun!

Goodnight, babies. Lord Jesus, please give me dreams about YOU tonight..and nothing else...because You're the only One I desire.
The Only One.

You Fail Us NOT! NEVER!!!

"You give and take away..
You give and take away..
My heart will choose to say..
BLESSED BE YOUR NAME.."

Two months ago, I was singing this song with tears streaming from my eyes. I couldn't sing it.. Lord Jesus, You ripped the biggest chunk out of me..You smashed my heaviest alabaster jar. I was rolling on the ground, throbbing in intense pain.. really..?!?! BLESSED BE YOUR NAME?! Can you really give and just take away ruthlessly without considering my HEART?!

Tonight, I went to a Korean church with Dana&Ly. As we sang that song, I couldn't help but just cry..with TEARS OF JOY. I am SO GLAD that You ripped that chunk out of me. I am so glad that right now, You are truly my sustaining breath. You are truly more than sufficient for me. You are truly my First Love. You are truly my strength in weakness. You are truly my everything. Even though I may not be perfectly in love with You, please..PLEASE..let NOTHING come between the intimacy and the fellowship we have. If there is, Holy G please speak to me and just like the last time, I will let go in obedience even if I don't understand. I don't want to do anything apart from Your will and I am willing to suffer and be in pain just to follow You. Ahbujii, You're truly THE ONE I want to lay my life down for. Keep breaking and molding me to be more like Your Son.
Jesus, YOU ARE MORE THAN WORTH IT.

There are so many Lost people out there. We went to the Korean church for a North Korea Conference.. it completely shattered my heart. WHERE IS MY PLACE IN ALL THIS?! I'm not even talking North Korea and Sudan. But Lord Jesus, what is my role in Your kingdom?! I hate wasting my time, throbbing on the ground because of my insignificant pains. No, it's very significant.. He is molding me through pain.. but can't I see that there's SO MANY LOST PEOPLE OUT THERE?! Can't I see that as I type this post, there are people out there HEADING TOWARDS HELL?!?!

Lord Jesus, I know You've placed people in my life strategically for Your divine purpose. I don't even need to think North Korea or Sudan right now. There are people around me who goes to church, sing empty words, and live in their self-consumed lifestyle, refusing to let go of that crown. There are people around me.. who are secretly masturbating and watch porn every night.. who wakes up and find their uncle on top of them.. who are addicted to alcohol, drugs, and lust... who are secretly cutting themselves in the midst of their loneliness..

WHERE IS MY PLACE IN ALL THIS?! LORD JESUS, GIVE ME AN URGENCY FOR THE LOST. REPLACE MY HEART, MY HANDS, MY FEET, MY EYES.. FOR YOUR HEART, YOUR HANDS, YOUR FEET, YOUR EYES.. I don't want to live for myself anymore. THIS IS GETTING SO SICKENING. TWIGGGGG... WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I praise You, Lord..that 3 months ago, I closed my eyes..and all I saw was demoralizing, demonic, degrading images.. OBJECTS.. shame, lust, fear, demons, loneliness..
But now, I close my eyes.. and people fly through my mind.. people I need to reach out to, people that are so lost and broken.. people that NEED to know that there is LOVE WAITING FOR THEM.

I praise You that I am privileged to meet up with Evonne weekly and pour into her life. EMBRACE THE SPIRITUAL BLESSINGS, SISTER!!!!!
I'm privileged to read Kinpuff's wordpress today..and was so touched praising you that I almost just bawled on the spot. THANK YOU LORD JESUS!! :D :D I treasure her so much.. She's a blessing from above!
And at the end of the day, I sing back to You..

"Whatever will come.. We'll rise above..
You fail us NOT, You fail us NOT,
No matter the war, OUR HOPE IS SECURE..
You fail us NOT, You FAIL US NOT!!

You're bigger than the battle..
Oh Jesus, YOURE BIGGER THAN THE BATTLE!!!!"

You Are My Hiding Place

Psalm 32: 7
You are my hiding place;
You will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance..

Lord Jesus, I have no words to say this morning. I am out of words.
Please continue to heal and restore me. Please rip away those deep strongholds so that You can reign on the throne of my heart with no rivalry. Lord Jesus.. please sing to me Your songs of deliverance... Please continue to heal me, Jehovah Rapha. I trust in You, I do.. I do.. and I long for You in this dry and weary land.

Text

Until today, I still don't know the mistake our senior class made.. why she's still so hurt.. even more than one year later..

It really hurts me to receive this text from her. Please pray for her, guys.

"I could but to be quite honest i wouldn't want to hang out with any of you people. Keep my name out of your mouth and worry about your life instead of mine."

"That's highly unlikely. Have a nice life."

It stung..it really did.. I don't even remember what went on senior summer.. Oh Lord..

Ahbujii...

Thank You that this emotionally draining day is almost over. Thank You that You've brought me through another rough day, considering how many times I almost drowned and lost control today. On Thursday, Wendy said to me, "The day that I stop longing for Him will be the saddest day of my life..." After my insane, terribly insane morning (Ines got a taste of my noisetime!), I came up with a conclusion --

THE DAY THAT I STOP SUFFERING WILL BE THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Thank You that through my pain, you draw me all the more closer to You. Thank You that this morning, I truly understood what it meant to SHARE IN YOUR SUFFERINGS. Thank You that I can be intimate with You through my groans and weeping. Without sufferings, I would not understand the depth of Your love and grace. Without all the shiznits I've been going through, I would not understand what it means to be immersed in your forgiveness. Ahbujii, I can't imagine the hurt You go through.. how deeply hurt You were when my sins rendered the rift between us. But I thank You..that with my pain, I can see just a tiny glimpse of Your heart.

Please continue to replace my heart with Yours. Please continue to mold me and break me each day.. no matter how much heart-throbbing sessions I have to experience. Please continue to put trials in my life because it's only through pain that I can understand all that You are, Ahbujii..

I pray that You will take captive my dreams and my mind in obedience to Jesus Christ as I sleep tonight. I pray that You will send Your angels to protect me.. to cover me with the blood of Jesus Christ.. Oh Healer, may my rest be pleasing to You. I want to truly rest in You..so pleaseeeeee, no no aggravating dreams :( But of course, You will never give me more than I can handle. Lord Jesus, Wan an. Wo Ai Nee, Ye Shu <3

Worthy of Suffering

The moment Sandy said to me, "the sun is setting..," I knew what was coming. I have so much school work.. but I had to go home and prepare myself for an agonizing night. I didn't lie about my joy this weekend. I CHOSE to be joyful and I was GENUINELY JOYFUL. But I also didn't tell anyone that I've been suppressing my pain all weekend long.. that I absolutely REFUSED to feel sorrowful..and I made my pain drown in midst of all the joy. When I drove to Jie's house, the pain crept in and was FIGHTING its way out.. but I can't afford negative emotions this past weekend. I don't wanna be so controlled by my emotions so I told it to shut up, turn up my music, and started busting out in praise songs. I couldn't be sad this past weekend.. I don't want to show up in places I shouldn't be, text people I shouldn't text, or try to see anyone I shouldn't see. I don't want to be a stumbling block.. don't want to make anyone sad. But really, I DONT WANT TO SCREW UP. I don't want to fall. I just want to be joyful, jumping around, dancing & praising God, have a big smile on, and shine as I have shone. I've gone this far..I fear screwing up.. I really do.

And when I knew that Karen was leaving, I knew that everyone's going back to their colleges. I can explode all I want..I can weep and scream all that I can. I keep showing and telling people about my joy..but I also fail to tell them that my SOAK time has been so heart-wrenching everyday. Every single frigging day. It's only through letting it all out when I'm by myself that I can have a genuine :D :D :D when I'm around other people. SOAK is really a time of complete complete REAL time with God.. and I hate it when people come home when I'm in the middle of all the noisetime. It's really just a time for me to scream and weep out to God..and through that, He draws me all the more closer to Him.

What a rough night by myself. What a rough morning all by myself..and I want it to just be between God and me. I woke up at 3:06am.. AGGRAVATED.. because I prayed and cried out to God so earnestly last night and yet my dreams were just SO FRIGGING ANNOYING. Ok. If my desires were not according to Your will, then don't give me what I ask for..but do you HAVE TO give me the VERY THING I DONT WANNA DREAM ABOUT?! Went back to sleep..another series of aggravating dreams.. woke up 7am yelling to the empty house, "WHAT THE HELL?!?!" I hate hate hate absolutely hate these dreams. Agnozing shower. Agonizing journaltime.

WORTHY OF SUFFERING

The three words that kept ringing in my ear during my SOAK time this morning. What does it even mean to be WORTHY OF SUFFERING?!!? It sounds frigging ridiculous. It makes suffering such AN HONOR. doode.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but to suffer for him."
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..."
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as through something strange were happening to you. But REJOICE that you PARTICIPATE IN THE SUFFERINGS OF CHRIST, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed..so then, those who suffer acccording to God's will should commit themselves to the faithful Creator and continue to do good.."
"...because Christ SUFFERED FOR YOU, leaving you an example, that you should follow in HIS FOOTSTEPS.."
"The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted WORTHY OF SUFFERING disgrace for the Name..."
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs w/ Christ, if indeed we SHARE IN HIS SUFFERINGS, in order that we may also share in HIS GLORY."

Let's not even talk persecution. Christ, in that gethsomething garden, was SWEATING BLOOD because He was in DEEP ANGUISH AND TURMOIL. It's not just that His closest friends fell asleep on Him, that His other precious friend is about to betray Him..and that He's gonna suffer innumerable physical pain. THE WHOLE WORLD'S SHAME, SINS, DARKNESS, UNRIGHTEOUSNESS, PORN, MASTURBATION, MURDER, SUFFERING, LIES, RAPE, BLAH BLAH BLAH..the whole world's SHIZNITS were about to be placed on ONE RIGHTEOUS BLAMELESS HOLY MAN. How the HECK did He even take THAT?!? And still, out of obedience to His Heavenly Father and deep unconditional love for us, He CHOSE to be crucified..that our old will be crucified with Him.. He rose from the dead..so that we can also, RISE UP and live a NEW LIFE as NEW CREATIONS. But not only do we follow in the footsteps of dying and rising again, we follow in the footsteps of His suffering.

How much HUMILITY did it take to lay His life down like that as a SACRIFICE?! How much pain did THAT compare to the pain I'm going through right now?! I keep talking about how much I long for Him..how much I want to give up all that I am to know all that He is.. and I feel like right now, the best way to know my Father's heart.. is to go through pain and suffer. Yes, it's an honor, Lord Jesus. It's an honor to suffer and throb in pain just to know You more. It's an HONOR that You would send Your Son to DIE for me that I have a WAY to be with You for eternity (and not with those ugly demons in hell). This pain is NOTHING. IT'S JUST A GLIMPSE OF WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH. It's an honor to be one with you.. to share in a glimpse of your sufferings. It's an honor that You would allow these trials and temptations to come in my way..so that I can be MOLDED into a better person. Pain is good. Throbbing pain is good. It's an honor.

Worthy of Suffering.

Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Sunday Morning

Picture taken at WinteRetreat, 12th grade.

Service just started at I'm here sitting at Starbucks. I've been choosing to be joyful this weekend..and honestly, I've been so joyful that I drown out all the pain that I should be xpressing. I fear coming face to face with the pain..because I don't want to be uncontrollably emotional and do stupid things. I doesn't help but my silly Auntie came to visit me this weekend. But thank God, I was really GENUINELY JOYFUL this weekend. It's just a little sad that I chose not to go to church even though I wanted to see all the out-of-town people. I know that she would appreciate going to church on Sunday...DCBC is like HOME..esp the fact that she lives in an apartment with so many strongholds. Austin friends, WELCOME HOME! :) See you Thanksgiving!

AT FRF, we praised God till 2am in the morning. I wanna keep praising God this morning.

Praise God that this weekend, I was driven by the HOLY GEE, not my flesh or emotions.
Praise God for EeKayGee and Chibaya..my Anatomy fun!
Praise God that I had a really good and meaningful conversation with Daddy Allan on Thursday.
Praise God that true fellowship surpasses distance and lack of communication (but by the blood of Jesus Christ!)
Praise God that I had an encouraging talk with Wendy on Friday. I couldn't stop smiling! So joyful!
Praise God that Wendy and I ran around the whole hospital building and I was just laughing the whole time.
Praise God for a happy mama Katie and a beautiful baby Noahee! So precious!
Praise God for HATRED OF SIN! SO DEMORALIZING, SO DEMONIC, SO DEGRADING!!!!!!!!!
Praise God for babies hemmed by the very mighty hands of God..so much potential!
Praise God for a tear-filled, touching convo with my daddy! He is coming in one month!
Praise God for my mommylove who is coming in A WEEK!! veggies, here I come!
Praise God sweet Jesus-dreams and PSALMS READING!
Praise God for a smooth Ortho appointment!
Praise God awesome buffet lunch and meaningful conversation at UTD with Freddy and Bestfriend.
Praise God beautiful small group girls :)
Praise God for awesome quieTime with Evonne! Embrace all the spiritual blessings!
Praise God for James 5: 19-20 and deciding to follow the Holy Gee's voice. You lead, I follow.
Praise God for Rosa's beautiful posterboard!
Praise God for prayerwalk by myself at UTD.. It was cooolllddd.
Praise God for Sandy&Twig&Meow at Steak N Shake at 10pm.
Praise God for HONKING GASSY LIKE CRAZY..AND GETTING INSANELY APPALLED BY KAREN.
pPraise God for the best hug I had with Fioho at Escape and seeing JCarpet, my awesome bro.
Praise God for laughing my butt off picking baby shoes for Kinpuffs and I :D :D :D I'm excited!
Praise God for a Spirit-led convo with my friend.. no matter how painful it was to see her so deeply hurt.
Praise God for ALWAYS Holy Gee's leading..not my words or experiences.
Praise God that Clementine and I got to eat Crabs together, FINALLY!!
Praise God for his girlfriend :)
Praise God for the restored and Christ-spurring relationship Clementine and I have right now. I love my brother!
Praise God for a really long noise/quieTime I had at DCBC..and for 6 page journal entries.
Praise God for her testifying at DCBC's missions conf even though I wasn't there to hear.
Praise God that praying is the best and only thing I can do for her right now.
Praise God that I was DRIVEN BY THE SPIRIT OF SELF-CONTROL.
Praise God for running my head into watersprinkles and having Nina Mei Mei laugh at me the whole time.
Praise God for her BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL SMILE..HEART..IDENTITY IN CHRIST JESUS.
Praise God for the heart-to-heart we had at Tap House.
Praise God that I resolved and confessed all the bitterness, anger, and hatred for the past 1.5 years.
Praise God HAPPY PRAISE SONGS AND SCREAMING IN THE CARR!!
Praise God for BEAUTIFUL TIME AT THE FLOCUS REHABILIATION FACILITY.
Praise God that 2.5 months ago, I hid under her table cause I was scared to face the pain of God's calling.
Praise God that 2.5 later, I am RESTORED, FREE, FINDING SATISFACTION IN HIM ALONE.
Praise God for prayer and worship-filled time till 2am in the morning.
Praise God for back-and-forth conversations with my Lord Jesus.
Praise God for Jie's prayerwarrior cuteness and Andrea's beautiful face and heart.
Praise God for sleeping at 330am cause I felt led to pray for some people.
Praise God for showering.. feeling the streams of living Water pouring down on me.
Praise God for the brief NIANGNIANGCHIANG I had with BeiBei in the bathroom :) hehehe..
Praise God for a BEAUTIFUL MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!
Praise God for noise at Starbucks..but complete peace at heart.
Praise God that Fioho is going to church today!!! :)
Praise God for Dana..who I am meeting in 2 hours.

PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.."

QT/Soak this week: WORTHY OF SUFFERING. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

Where Did It All Go?

I talked to Daddy Allan on Thursday evening. We haven't had a good, serious, Christ-centered convo for more than a year now. I'm glad that we can pick it back up and share our hearts freely. When he left for Houston, I felt as if it was the beginning of a new season...not just for him, but every single one of us. 12th grade was such a fun year.. fellowship was perfect, tappin was fun, nerts was insane, ultimate was sweaty, small groups were full of laughters, worshipteam&closetime were just all so :D :D :D. Everything went so smooth.. and once college hits, everything changed. Talking to him made me so sad.. because we were truly one big family in the past.. He reminds me of how it used to be one big happy family but now, the family is broken up..ripped, complete cut here and there. What happened?!
But I'm truly at peace..truly satisfied..truly joyful. There are different seasons in life.. and this season, though SO FRIGGING PAINFUL AND HEART WRENCHING, has been my most joyful one. Though I cry insanely much, I laugh and GENUINELY sing out praise songs insanely much as well. I praise God for where I am now. I praise God that the big fat family is taking a break and individually healing and restoring IN CHRIST. It would be a HUGE BLESSING for God to bring us together..AS A WHOLE one day.. the bond would be so much more Christ-centered, so much stronger BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST. As for now, let's just pray for each other :) God is good. God is good.

GOD IS SO FRIGGING GOOOD!!!!

I won't be there but sister, testify it tonight! Jia shui :) You're in my prayers.

Flocus Rehab Facility tonight. I can't wait! Good memories :D :D

God,

Taken on Sandy's Birthday 2008.

I don't have the words to say. I wish I can explode and overflow Your love to the whole world. You are so good to me. You are so faithful when I am faithless. You give me the true JOY that surpasses the fleeting happiness of this world. You are more than enough for me. You are truly sufficient, Lord Jesus. My words are too terribly insufficient. Oh God, THANK YOU. A THOUSAND TIMES. A MILLION TIMES. THANK YOU WITH MY LIFE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that FAR OUTWEIGHS THEM ALL. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but WHAT IS UNSEEN IS ETERNAL."

Mirror

"You turn my wailing into dancing; you remove my sackcloth and clothe me with joy."

What do you see when you look into the mirror?
Everyone should try this.. go infront of the mirror and stare at yourself for 2 minutes. How do you feel? What do you see?
I did this in the past.. I stand infront of my mirror and watch myself cry. As tears just streamed down my face, I looked at my moles, my yellow teeth, my acne, my bucktooth, ... so frigging ugly. Then, I would weep even louder because my heart was ten times uglier than my face. That was the past.

I look into the mirror now and I either smile really big..or crack up into laughter. I would smile and laugh even more.. seeing myself laugh and smile. I LOVE seeing myself joyful. It makes me JOYFUL to see myself JOYFUL. I love to look into the mirror and see.. not Twig, but the New Creation God has turned me into. There is something new about my face.. it's not that I've had less moles, pimples, or yellow teeth.. something so different I can't describe. A completely new and different spirit..... :] I've got the HOLYG in meeee...I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE.

A few days ago, I was so afraid to do whatever God's calling me to do. I'm fearful of the storm..fearful of the impending nights of tears and pain.. but nah, what the heck? I'm in it now. If the HolyG leads me to it, He will lead me through it. That goes for you as well.....

Thank You, Lord Jesus.. for deep hurts..
because with deep hurts..come deep healing and joy.

Unexpected Phonecall

I can't believe she called me. I can't believe I actually picked up the phone and talked to her. I can't believe she was crying on the phone and wanted to talk to...ME?!
I had two years of bitterness, jealous, anger, and secret hatred towards her. Back then, I felt as if she ripped the most important person out of my life.. and I kept saying, "you gain one. you lose one." Thinking about it, the reasons I fell into my sins in the past were indirectly related to her.. so much anger bottled up..

Tonight, I had the most awesome convo with her on the phone. I can't believe how much the Lord has healed me.. and how I have nothing but GENUINE CHRIST-CENTERED LOVE FOR HER. I want to walk with her, cry with her, and be the big sister that she needs. I want to spur her towards the love of Jesus Christ. I'm so encouraged that we've continued sharing verses with each other daily.. ah, this brings me so much joy.

Today, I was alone the whole day before Rosa came. I realized that I don't need people around me to make me happy. Many times, I'm truly joyful when I'm in my car driving and singing praises to Him..shouting out the window and just screaming my lungs out. I'm truly joyful when I'm laying on my bed during my SOAK time and just feel the HolyG moving in me.. comforting me..and healing me slowly. Today, I looked at the mirror and just started cracking up. I was so joyful..looking at myself joyful. It's not that I think I'm all that beautiful.. i just LOVE to see the new Twig. I love to see the Spirit-filled Twig. I love to see the smile on my face.. the natural joy that bursts out of my soul. JESUS HAS TRULY TRANSFORMED ME. I AM JOYFUL.

Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Here is a verse from my mei2 tonight:
"I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High."
I was trying to hold my laughter. It didn't work. Jesus makes me go insanely HA HA HA.
P.S. Like the pads on my closet door? ;)