When I showered this morning, the thought came into my mind again. out of the blue.
I laid there on my bed for SOAK.. trying so hard to listen to the HolyG's voice.
It ALL FINALLY made sense to me and I was and still am, VERY APPALLED. All those tears, throbbing pain, ruthless ripping of idols, cries of agony, complete cuts... they all make sense to me now.
I dashed to Kinpuff's apartment yesterday.. and on the way, I was thinking of all the pain I had to go through these few months. I thought about Andrea, Mitchy, Manpan, JShie and Fiona and all the shiznits WE ALL have to go through just to follow Jesus. I asked God, "WHAT IS THIS COST OF FOLLOWING YOU?! WHY DOES FOLLOWING YOU HURT SO MUCH?!?!"
All the questions about, "God do you understand my heart?" "God, are you even there?" "Why do you inflict pain upon me?!" "Who are you to ask so much out of me?" "WHO ARE YOU THAT I HAVE TO BEAT MY HEART OUT TO FOLLOW YOU?!" "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!?!" "Why do I have to give up everything that is visible for an invisible God?!" "Why destroy these idols?!?!" .. they all make sense now. And yet, even as our hearts throb in so much pain, we still follow You.. Your love, the voice of your HolyG..is way too compelling to resist.
There is also a reason why I healed so fast. There is a reason why I'm at complete peace with the break. There is a reason for my intimacy with the Lord.. it took a COMPLETE CUT, RIP RIP RIP, SHATTER... it took THAT MUCH PAIN, for me to understand the blood of Jesus Christ. Oh my goodness, the cost of following Jesus Christ.. GOTTA LAY IT ALL AT THE ALTAR. ALL. FLING ASIDE EVERYTHING THAT HINDERS. This is so unbelievable.
I can't believe what God's calling me to do. I'm already in pain thinking about this. Does it have to be ME??! Do I have to be the one?! This is gonna be so heart-wrenching. I'm not gonna do anything..not gonna say anything.. until the HolyG confirms it 100%. Oh Lord.... pleaseee..... isn't there ANOTHER WAY OUT OF THIS?! I'm so fearful for the storms coming ahead.. so anxious.. gahhhhhhhhhhhhh... THIS IS GONNA STING SO FRIGGINGGG BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.................
Fiona's quote:
"...Because it is only through this hurt that you will truly understand who I am. It is only in this pain that you will grow. It is only through this weakness that you will learn what MY STRENGTH is. I will do ANYTHING for you. I HAVE done EVERYTHING for you. WILL YOU TRUST ME? WILL YOU CONTINUE TO FOLLOW ME THROUGH THIS PAIN? Will you walk through confusion? DO YOU TRULY LOVE ME?”
“I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And I will always be there for you. I HURT when you hurt. I weep when you weep. My heart breaks when your heart breaks. But I will watch you and make you walk through this heartache BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Because at the end of the day, this is what is best for you. This pain will bring you healing. This brokenness will bring you perfection.”
Every second I live is for You, Jehovah Rapha.
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