Gone to...

URBANA.
please pray for me.
[prayeRequest on the sidebar]

and text me :)
469-955-2246

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I always thought that today is the VERY day I've been waiting for..anticipating for.. in the past 4 months. Today, in the shower, I realize how much I DREAD TODAY..how I can't rejoice because today is the day the Lord has made. I have been hiding for 4 months.. and just when I'm completely content with where I am in life, He has to make me feel so uncomfortable again. All this sanctification process.

I fear. I couldn't sleep all night because I was so anxious.
He's truly ripping away all m bandaids.

Packages in the Mail

I almost fainted 2x this week.

1. Kinpuffs sent me a Christmas package! What a sweet card! What a nice gift! I was so excited busting that box open with my scissors that my mom had to tell me to slow down. Thank You, Kinpuffs :)

2. Grace Lao Jie sent me a huge box this morning from Canada. It had a whole pack of KETCHUP CHIPS (I have been searching in gas stations, walmarts, and was utterly hopeless), all our LoveCorps videos/pictures, and a bunch of cards. TOTALLY blew me off. Totally made my day.

Thank You, Jesus. These love care packages are gifts from you! :)

P.S. I really need prayer for Urbana. Pray for me to PURSUE JESUS but also understand HIS reconciliation to ME and HIS reconciliation among my "broken relationships." Pray for the HolyGEE to lead me.

Reconciliation

Heavenly Ahbujii,

I was honestly pissed off at You yesterday. You want me to pour out my heart genuinely to You, right? I was utterly bitter and angry. How can a loving Father be so cruel? How can my Ahbujii completely disregard my heart just so I can live for His glory? I felt as if You're toying with me.. playing me like a puppet.. shattering my heart so that I can abandon all that I am and give YOU all the glory. Many times in the past, I would imagine You smiling maliciously at me, grinning at me while I'm in pain.. and You're sitting on some high throne getting all the praise to Yourself. I always have LIES in my head that You ruthlessly, completely rip my heart so that it can fully be Yours.

I was reminded by Bei2 yesterday..that the drastic decision I made at the end of the summer was MY choice. You never forced me into anything. You never pointed a gun in my face and scream, "GIVE IT UP!!" The HolyGEE's voice was way too compelling..too irresistable. It was MY choice. You know why, Lord Jesus?

because that's how much I crave to be intimate with You.
because that's how much my spirit longs to be with You.. to delight FIRST in You.
because that's how much I want to love You..to know You as my FIRST LOVE.
because i was DISGUSTED at all the false intimacies that I've been exposed to..and I want some GENUINE INTIMACY.
because that's how much the cross compels me..that I have no choice but to give You all that I am.
because that's how much Your daily deliverance has transformed me.
because that's how SICK I am of my old life.. and I want to live my NEW LIFE in YOU.
because You reconciled me to Yourself even when I had absolutely nothing to offer.

I allowed You to rip all the idols in my life.. all the strongholds that have been there for YEARS AND YEARS because I WANT YOU TO BE MY ONLY STRONGHOLD, LORD JESUS. I am exposed and honest before You now.. IT HURT. Even when I was taunted by dreams every night, waking up to DEVASTATING MEMORIES .. even good memories became PAINFUL. It was so unbearable..

But over 4 months, You truly turned my wailing into dancing. Over 4 months, You never stopped pouring Your love on me.. You never ceased desiring intimacy with me. Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Over the past four months, I have stuck layers and layers band-aids on top of my wound from the complete rip. Ministry, new friends, laughter, smiles, schoolwork, discipleship, etc unconsciously became coping mechanisms. I guess that's how our brain naturally works right? Even without realizing it, I ran to so many other things for comfort. In order to forget and move on, I have strived so hard.
But today, I ask for You to rip away all my band-aids. Strip away each band-aid.. because even though they temporarily help to stop the bleeding.. the wound is still there. The cut didn't simply hurt my skin and flesh.. it really crushed me. So Jesus.. strip me from all band-aids and cover me with Your precious blood. Cover me with Your precious blood, Lord Jesus. My band-aids fail.

This Christmas, I thank You so much for reconciliation. I've been learning SO MUCH about reconciliation lately.. how You reconcile me to YOU through Your Son. ONCE AND FOR ALL. I ask that this coming year, You will teach me what it means to reconcile the broken relationships in my life. I'm not sure what it means for me.. what reconciliation even looks like.. but I trust in Your HolyGee's guidance and leading.
I am an AMBASSADOR of RECONCILIATION. You have committed to me the message of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5: 14-21). Thanks for Morgan for sharing these verses with me!

Jesus, this Christmas day, I truly pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ.. and all the Losts around me will understand.. the beauty of Your reconciliation.

I Love You Too, Sister.

IVCF Retreat 2008

Friend: Do you remember what your bro said "love" was?
Twig: Doing whatever it takes to bring someone CLOSER TO JESUS CHRIST
Friend: I love you

This friend, four months ago, told me she has no time for me. She told me that whenever I feel like crap, I should NOT call her because she doesn't want to carry my burdens when she already has enough. A few minutes ago, she woke me up from my sleep and told me that whenever I need her, I can always call upon her. Muttering in tears, she told me that if I'm in any dangerous situation..in ANY situation, that I can ask her for help and she will try her best to help me with the strength God provides. She said something about John 15 and told me that she loves me.
I was half asleep but utterly speechless.

We've been through SO MUCH together. The storms of my life were seriously FEROCIOUS and I wanted to give up so many times. But I'm always so thankful for my sisters in Christ who never stopped demonstrating the hope of HEALING I could receive.
I'm so encouraged by the ways God has molded both of us in the past 4 months. I'm so thankful for the times we knelt down on a bathroom floor, covered with disgusting hair, and cry out to our Father together.
I'm so thankful to our Lord Jesus Christ for rooting our friendship in the BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST.

Reminds me of what I posted on DKao's blog a while ago.
Let's run this amazing race together.. Let's get stinky, sweaty, messy, and ugly together. Sometimes, we fall down and gotta limp. But we run side by side..hand in hand.. ultimately, NOT LOOKING TO EACH OTHER, but focusing our eyes on the goal- JESUS CHRIST.

Thank you, Sandy.
Thank You SO MUCH, Ahbujii.

Waiting Upon The Lord

I'm sorry, Ahbujii.
I'm sorry for using my own human effort to strain forward.
I'm sorry for trying so hard to move on and forget.
I'm sorry for tuning out the voice of the HolyGee.
I'm sorry for attempting so hard to be strong.
I'm sorry for wearing the crown on my head and being self-sufficient.
I'm sorry for offering burnt offerings, and not a broken and contrite heart.
I'm sorry for my "righteous acts" which are nothing but FILTHY RAGS.
I'm sorry for running away, for escaping, for self-denial, for lying to myself and to You.
I'm sorry for changing the external, refusing to deal with the internal.
I'm sorry for switching churches without even considering You.

My efforts, apart from You, are ULTIMATELY WORTHLESS.
You've been screaming in my ear, "FACE IT, TWIG! STOP RUNNING AWAY! POUR IT OUT TO ME AND I CAN HEAL YOU!" but I close my ears and keep trying to fix my own shattered heart. How silly. How stupid. TAI BEN!

This whole time, You've been telling me..

• "Yet those who wait and hope for the Lord will gain new strength.
  They will mount up with wings like eagles,
  They will run and not get tired,
  They will walk and not become weary."
  
• "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our Help and our Shield."
• "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
• "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.."
• "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits; and in HIS WORD I put MY HOPE."

I have a bookmark in my journal that says "PATIENCE" and I didn't even notice it until today. Funny thing, my sister in Christ has one too.

HolyGee, I will let go of my grip and wait upon YOU. Thank You for breaking me down these few days..to realize how much I need and long for You. I will NOT be a girl who has to have what I want when I want it. I will be a WOMAN who has developed a capacity to avoid demanding immediate gratification. I can WAIT. I can make sacrifices for something greater. I have higher causes than my immediate needs.

Thank You for the people You have put in my life to hear me out- FloJie, Dana, Bei2, THomie, etc. Thank You the Truth that you speak through these people's mouths. Thank You for Lu who kept me company for three days. Thank You for Kinpuffs who sent me a lovely beautiful package in the mail :) Thank You for DiiDii's awesome longboard who has kept me company when I'm bored!

"In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice.
In the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation."

Psalm 51

my awesome journals since 5th grade! 12 of them! :D

It took me a while to finally realize.. that all this time, I've been offering burnt offerings before You.. but where is my heart? How did it all become logistics again? How did I start fixing my eyes on the external and not the internal?

You desire not burn offerings but instead, a broken and contrite heart.

Mercy

They played this at GHC on Friday..



Here I am a sinner
Broken and in need of You
Take my life and wash my fears away
For You are the Great I AM
Rest assured, I feel Your hand
Holding me until the darkness clears

A Father to the fatherless
Redeemer of my soul
My Life is Yours forever
I want the world to know

Your mercy saved me
Mercy made me whole
Your mercy found me
Called me as Your own

Here I stand a child of Yours
Broken and in need of You
Break these chains and wash my guilt away
Healer of my brokenness
My weary soul will find its rest
You are my strength, the lifter of my head

You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say

You called me as Your own
Thank You for Your mercy

Earthly Home

Taken by Kinpuffs (who I get to see in ONE WEEK!!!)

I'm not gonna lie. Today was rather sad. Sunday without DCBC is no Sunday at all. I miss that earthly home.. I miss my closest brothers and sisters in Christ. I miss having fellowship..the massive Tap House invasion, going around in circles to pray and share prayeRequest, walking down the hallways and saying hii to uncountable people.. I miss seeing our college room flood with out-of-town kids. I miss my Seniors 2oo8. I miss JShie, Mitch, Fioho, Melissa, Frances.. because after all that has happened over the summer, I was deprived not only of fellowship with one person, but with the group as a whole. I miss my family. Last Sunday, when I went to DCBC, knowing that it'd be my last sunday for a month (and maybe even after), I realize how much I embrace my earthly home. Oh DCBC, how I miss you! but you're just an Earthly Home- my TRUE HOME is in HEAVEN with my Ahbujii..

Evonne's text really bamslam me in the face. It's not even about the place. It's about WORSHIPPING GOD. Did I go to GHC, preparing my heart to worship my Savior, or was my heart somewhere else? Did I go to GHC with a mentality to use my human hands to strive forward, to forget, to avoid.. or was it really a heart of gratitude for the blood He has shed? WHERE IS MY HEART?!

It's not anybody's fault. This is all a consequence of my old life. It's all a consequence of my STUPIDITY in the past. It's an earthly consequence that follows after I decided to backstab my Ahbujii, to grieve the HolyGee. But NO GUILT!!! I will not ponder upon it anymore..because JESUS CHRIST CONQUERED IT. No matter what I did, how drastic things changed, who I've hurt immensely.. His precious blood covered it all! Guilt is from the Evil Bastards, not from the Lord. I have no guilt, no shame, no regret and there will be no more weeping because in Christ Jesus, there is only freedom, joy, love, and peace.

I'm really thankful for GHC. I'm thankful for Juri, Sheila, and James. I'm thankful for the wonderful Koreans who greeted me sincerely. Haha, I'm thankful for 3 bounce houses and a petting zoo (yeah, SERIOUSLY, at GHC!). I'm thankful for Lu who followed me everywhere and kept me company when everyone else is at the place I can't go. I'm thankful that I got to hang out with the college kids after service.

Lord Jesus Christ, restore in me the joy of Your salvation.
There will be no more weeping..because you turn my wailing into dancing :)
How I love You, Lord. Teach me to find joy in all that I am doing right now.. for I am willing to do whatever You have called me to do. There is NO WHERE ELSE BETTER than to be under Your will. It's the safest place to be.

Above all, I know that Your mighty hand is upon all of us.. and You will lift us up in due time.. YOUR TIME...your BEST TIME. For now, I will patiently wait upon You.

You're Sovereign

Jeremiah 17: 5-10

Taken by Kinpuffs

"Cursed is the one who trust in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives."

Lord Jesus Christ, I repent of the ways I have tried taking things into my own hands. I repent of the mornings I rush out of my bed without falling on my knees and seek you FIRST. Ever since the summer, it's been really rough. It's HARD to NOT cope with these emotions with my own human effort. It's HARD to come face to face with my hurts without running away. But in the end, I find myself picking up the shattered pieces of my heart with my own frail hands, getting cut up and wounded again. I have depended on my own strength..I've been so parched. I have blindly read scripture, without asking wisdom from the HolyGee. On Friday, I sat in my car behind Haggard Library and realized how NOT OKAY I have been. At the end of it all, my spirit longs for intimacy with the HolyGee.. longs for Your presence, longs for those days I lay on my bed and SOAK in You. It just popped and burst. My spirit can't live without You.. I don't want to dwell in parched places, in salt lands. May my heart always be drawn to follow Your will, Your voice.. cause I know that the hurt is a GLIMPSE of the BEAUTIFUL PICTURE- the picture of your beautiful daughter being molded into an image of Jesus Christ. It's for my good..it's for my good.

Taken by Kinpuffs

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in Him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water,
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are aways green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and NEVER FAILS TO BEAR FRUIT."

Teach me to trust in You, Ahbujiii. Teach me to be like a TREE, a TWIG, planted by the water.. just receiving from the Living Streams of Water. When my heart is deeply rooted in Your Word, I will not fear my pain..because I know that You won't give me more than I can bear. I will not fear when the heat comes.. because my leaves are always GREEN. If I continue to abide in You, the fruits of the HolyGee will continue to SPROUT OUT- gentleness, self-control, kindness, patience, peace, love, joy, etc. I replace all my fears, known and unknown, with the fear of the LORD. I will fear You only, Lord Jesus Christ. You turn broken into beautiful, Jesus. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You for Psalm 91. Thank You for deliverance. Thank You for being good through all circumstances. YOU ARE SO GOODLY DELICIOUS!! :D ahhbujiiii lovelove :]

Taken by Kinpuffs

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
who can understand it?

I, the Lord, search the heart..and examine the mind.."

Search me, Oh Ahbujii. May every inch of my heart be pleasing to You. May every thought that fly through my mind be a reflection of Your Cross. May everything I do be for Your glory.. I am SO FRIGGING SICK OF LIVING FOR MYSELF...Rid every single fleshly desire. RID. DESTROY. CRUSH. SLICE IT UP. The Evil Bastards have no stronghold in my life because it is CRUCIFIED and JESUS IS MY ONLY STRONGHOLD.
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Thank You for GHC. When I stepped into the room.. wow, what a familiar feeling. It felt exactly the same as I stepped into DCBC for the first time 8 years ago. I felt comfortable pretty fast.. GHC can potentially be my home church..as You will, Lord. I was really moved when the whole room of singles/college kids started ONEVOICE-praying for Clement & I (Newcomers). Though I didn't know almost all of them, the precious blood of Jesus Christ binds us all as one..

On the other hand, thank You for all the fun I had with Bei2, Meow, and Sandy. Thank You for ENDLESS LAUGHTERS TILL TUMMY HURTS! Thank You for longboarding trips at the park. Thank You for apples-to-apples! Thank You for wingstop! Thank You for squeezing 3 girls on a really small bed. Thank You for bobo. Thank You Lord..may all these good memories bring me closer to You, only.

Jesus, You're sovereign.

Daww!! ^^

Stolen from Evonne's blog :)

This made my night! I didn't even like the movie that much haahaa~
I miss you, Kinpuffs :(

Moving On

I felt so blue when I woke up this morning. Really, really blue. This is what happens when Jesus was not my last thought before dozing off...and not my first thought when I wake up. I need to start repeating Psalms over and over again.

I was in the shower and this verse kept popping up in my mind
"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
\\Philippians 3: 13-14

Jesus, please help me forget what is behind and strain HARD towards what is ahead. Teach me to move on. I'm so frigging ready to move on. I'm dying to move on. Above all, that this is not for my selfish ambition or emotions but for You, Lord.

DCBC Seniors 2008

WHERE DID IT ALL GO?!

"No matter what happens, remember that the bond of spiritual siblings is deeper than location and even church affiliation. The blood of Christ runs deep within both our souls." -JCarpet

I really miss the community as a whole.. I miss you guys so FRIGGING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!ASL;DJF

Epic Post

Taken and edited by my beloved Kinpuffs :)

So much has happened this past weekend so here is my epic post :) I just journaled 4 hours worth of 14 pages in my journal.. yes FOURTEEN PAGES. Here's a general summary. Here I go.

A Time for Everything.
"There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fantom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is a gift from God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him."

The blowing lady's prophecy to read Ecclesiastes came back to me again this past Thursday. There's truly a time for EVERYTHING..a season for every activity under Heaven. This past season was a time to HEAL and RISE UP. Even though it was often heart-wrenching, it wasn't MY will, MY actions, or MY emotions that determines the condition of it. YOU make everything beautiful in its time. Even though I have "lost" something so dear, You pour ten thousand more blessings on me. Every activity is a GIFT from You. You want me to make the best out of it.. to enjoy.. but ultimately, the purpose of EVERYTHING is to draw me closer to You. You have SET ETERNITY in my heart so that through all, I know that every single achievement, every pleasure, every friendship is TEMPORARY because I belong in Heaven. I live in light of ETERNITY because Home is Heaven. Every toil is meaningless but when I fear YOU and follow Your commandments, that's when broken turns into beautiful. Jesus, You have truly turned my broken into beautiful.

Discipleship/Quiet Passion.
I had discipleship with Dana on Friday. She has literally ran this amazing race alongside me since YUGO Summer Missions, 2006. For 3 years now, I have been completely honest with her with every inch of my heart, every shameful action I do in the dark. We went through so many hard times together..and I remember many moments when I wanted to just cuss her out and just throw away our discipleship. I don't know how she dealt with me..considering all the crap I went through. Our discipleship used to consist of her looking intently at me..but my eyes turned somewhere else because I couldn't stop crying. So frigging intense. Our discipleship season has also changed. Now, we're just laughing and chillaxing. Thinking about it, every single problem has led to the next.. led to the next..led to the next.. and this past summer, it boiled hard and literally EXPLODED. All this time, ever since I was young, I had a very deep intense need for intimacy...

On quiet passion..
In the past, I always had the need to be LOUD and PROUD about my passion for Jesus. My passion had to be conspicuous to a large crowd..had to be shown off to the whole world. I utterly hated myself when my passion turned from Jesus to.... something else destructive. At that time, I realized how weak my roots were.. how fake my outward expressions of "faith" were. Dana said that now, I have a very strong quiet passion. It's true.
Now adays, my deepest pain and deepest joy are always in private with Jesus. No one, not even my closest friends, see the state of the pain and joy I went through and still going through. What they see is merely a glimpse of what happens when I'm by myself. They don't NEED to see what I go through..they don't NEED to comprehend the deepest parts of me.. - THATS ALL FOR MY JESUS. It's so silly how many times, we ask, "WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY UNDERSTAND ME?!" and in the end, only to find out that He's screaming in our eyes, saying, "I UNDERSTAND YOU!!" and yet, we keep looking for other intimacies to fulfill that hole that only He can fill. Jesus, it's just YOU AND ME HERE NOW.. JUST YOU AND ME.

Today, I finally understand what I said 3 years ago..
"Aparte de la Vid, Rama no puede hacer NADA!!!!"

A Step on a Staircase.
Driving out of Dana's house, I was so joyful thinking about how my Ahbujii delivered me these past 3 months. 3 months ago, I would have NEVER imagined where I am right now. As I drove, I couldn't express how grateful I was.. how thankful and blessed I felt.. my t took over and went insane on me. Then, my hands and legs started shaking violently.. when my words are so insufficient, God is always so faithful to provide a physical overflow of my heart. In the past, this only happened when my heart was utterly in pain and I couldn't express it.. but these days, it has truly served a different purpose :)

I screamed into my car,
"AHBUJIIII!!! I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY!!! WHAT CAN I DO WITH MY JOY?!?!"
"Tell ___________ (anonymous)."
"....okay..."

I texted my friend
"God loves so deeply and you are so beautiful in His eyes."
"...good timing."

Turned out that because she was so depressed that day, she was about to dive back into drugs to escape from her pain... but my text came in. YEAH. SERIOUSLY. I can't believe the HolyGee used my simple text to save her ..once again. That night, I got to once again remind her how much God loves her through our uncountable back-and-forth text.. but sadly, in the end, she still chose to fix herself. Even though she knows that "I'm right," she wants to use her broken hands to pick up the shattered pieces of her own heart. It's so sad to think about how the most precious, beautiful, and FREE treasure is infront of her..and yet, she chose to remain in her brokenness. I trust that Friday night was a HUGE STEP on a staircase leading Home.. and I trust my dear friend into Your hands.

Father.
Today, my father went back to Indo already. Last night, we sat and prayed together. As he prayed, memories of his 26-day stay kept popping up in my mind...Garden of Gethsemane biblestudy, praying and sharing time, watching him love on Kaitlynn, ramen noodles with fried eggs, green onion pancakes, standing infront of the door to see me leave, cleaning my bathroom counter, waking up at 5am and hearing him pray downstairs, his smile when I come home everynight, his gentle voice, and just the uncountable ways he served the family.

He never ceased spurring me towards You.. he never stopped reminding me to be intimate with You. As he sat beside me and prayed, I realized that THIS was the very thing I've been missing all my life. In the past, I always told Dana that I don't love my dad because he's never around anyways. I grew completely apathetic but last night, the bubble just broke. I started crying uncontrollably..because through my earthly father, I finally saw a beautiful glimpse of my Heavenly Father..of YOU. Thank You for 26 days. Thank You that in 26 days, you restored all the times I never had with him... Thank You Jesus, for the fellowship I can have with my father, not because of genetics but because of Your precious blood.

No DCBC.
It's crazy to think about not going to DCBC for a whole month. I found a new church in Carrollton and will be attending services there. I'll also start going to their college group on Friday nights. Honestly, I want to move on. When college hit, the UT kids made so many new friends..new group of friends. And yet, I was still with my old group of friends. This past Thanksgiving, I realized that now, I can't even hang out with my old group of friends as a whole! I think that really gave me a BIG BOOST to seriously start fresh and move on. I still love my old friends and want to stick with them.. but I really want to find some new ones as well. Since I can't go to DCBC this whole WinterBreak, it'll be a good chance for this. If I turn out to really like GHC, I might stay as well.. who knows what happens from there. Is this the HolyGee's will? I have no idea.

A Blessed Weekend.
Girls small group. Steak&Shake. Slept over at Bei2. 5 hours of Tap house with Bei2. 2 hours of QT with Evonne. Thanks for the Christmas present, Evonne! 2 more hours of discipleship with Dana. more sleepover with Bei2 at my place. laughing like crazy thinking about 11th-12th grade good times. a family breakfast!! facial lady. family photoshoot. photoshoot with Kinpuffs, Dii, & Bei2. Slept over at Kinpuffs. talked some more. AWESOME church service. AWESOME sunday school. Tap house, Russell Creek, longboard, and feeding the fish, seagulls, turtles, and ducks with LUCKYCHARMS. literally dumped a whole bag of cereal into the pond. got ears pierced with Bei, Kinpuffs, and Sandy. Denny's. War of the Worlds.

Thank You, Jesus!!!!!

HI KINPUFFS

Here, I updated :)
Thanks for being my most faithful DAILY blog-reader!
Let the Lord take over your schoolwork tonight :)

Intimate Warrior

We came out of missions.. both delivered. But why? Why is she still struggling so much? Why are the Evil Bastards still throwing all these lies at her? Why is she believing in these lies? Why is she still struggling with so much shame, regret, and doubt? Why this endless cycle of hell?

I lift her up into Your mighty living hands. She really needs you tonight. Will you please embrace her? Intimate Warrior, God's covered you upside down, inside out with HIS PRECIOUS BLOOD. You have the power to demolish arguments, strongholds, and any lies. SEND IT TO THE FOOT OF THE CROSS. You belong to Jesus Christ and NOTHING can change that.

I sing this song for her. Please intercede, HolyGee. Intercede for Your Intimate Warrior.



Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene,
Do you see the tears are falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams.

But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for and asking,
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way.

My friends and my family have left me
I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind you take broken things and turn them into beautiful
Even if my dreams have died,
Even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life.

I Get It

The moment we focus on the GIFTS and NOT the Giver.. is the moment that the gift loses its purpose.. the moment that blessing is not a blessing anymore. It's the moment that a gift becomes a curse. Many times, things are ripped out of my life not because God is toying us.. but because its the CONSEQUENCE OF OUR OWN SIN. God allows it to be taken away from our life because its for OUR GOOD.. so that we can be molded to be like His Son.

I get it. Thank You, HolyGee.
Thank You for the friend who spoke Truth to me

iFEAR

LOSING PEOPLE.
As I'm closer and closer with my friends, I always CRY at the thought of losing them one day. One time is enough. One brutal, drastic, out-of-the blue cut is ENOUGH. Does He really give and take away? How if like the last time, I wake up one morning, and Sandy, Bei, Kinpuffs, or any of my other close friends are COMPLETELY CUT from my life?!?! I can't go for another round. One round is enough. Do I really have to consider EVERYTHING RUBBISH compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing You? Does following Jesus Christ really mean, holding loosely to ANYTHING WE HAVE, and able to let it go when He says so?

More than three months later, even with my new life, you're still very important to me. My Ahbujii is 100000x more important.
I miss you, my friend.
I hope that I won't have to say that to any of my other friends one day.
But as always, Your voice is too compelling.. what do I have that can resist it?

Anoint My Lips

The tongue can DIRECT PEOPLE TO THE TRUTH or it can DESTROY.

• "Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."
• "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, WHO HAVE BEEN MADE IN GOD'S LIKENESS. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?"
• "The tongue has power over LIFE AND DEATH."
• "The mouth of the righteous man is a fountain of life."
• Our words can "help to shelter and encourage a weary traveler, and can help feed a hungry soul."
• "The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life."
  

Ultimately, the HEART is the key to the RIGHT SPEECH. When Christ is the Lord over our hearts, He is the Lord over our lips as well. If we are rooted in the things of the Lord, our words will be the FRUIT of our fellowship with Him. The deeper the roots, the HIGHER the reach.

• "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."
• "But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart..."
• "Set guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."
• "The sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught."

Lord Jesus Christ, I surrender my lips to You today. I know I talk a lot sometimes. I know that without checking it with the HolyGee, my lips just so go on and on. I ask that You will steer my lips today..that my words will bring people closer to Your Truth. Ultimately, will You please teach me to GUARD MY HEART? I know that if my heart is full of anger and bitterness, the Evil Bastards can light it into a huge fire. But if my heart is full of YOUR LOVE AND GRACE, the HolyGee can use it as a FOUNTAIN OF LIFE to turn people back to You. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You, my Master.

Gifts

I just read Toro's blog and I just want to praise God!!
PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD!

Thank You for elbows- Kinbo, Turbo, Boobo, & Robo (many more to come!)
Thank You for my wonderful mentors/big sisters/counselors- JieJie, Dana, T-Homie, Wendy, Katie & Tator.
Thank You for my precious sisters- Bei2, Sandy, Melissa, Karen.
Thank You for my loves- Kinpuffs & Evonne.
Thank You for my anatomy buddies- Niki, EEKAYGEE, Cynthia, Maria, & Chibaya.
Thank You for ex-sg girls- ToTo, Morgan, & Shanini
Thank You for DCBC Seniors 2008- and this one is long.
Thank You for INTERVARSITY!!!
Thank You for my beautiful family - baba, mama, 2 guh guh, jolynn, and kaitlynn!!
Thank You for Gassy (my car) and my long lost burrito.
Thank You for THE LIVING AND ACTIVE WORD.
Thank You for Mei Mei.
Thank You for Yusra.
Thank You for my pillow, buns, warm blankets!!!
Thank You for a very faithful heater that gives me warmth!
Thank You for Tap House and the COUNTLESS fellowship I have there.

Must I go on? Thank YOU Jesus, Thank YOU Jesus, Thank YOU Jesus!
NONE OF THIS WILL MEAN ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR BLOOD.
Gifts are CURSES if we forget the Blesser.
I praise You, my Blesser.
May the gifts You pour on me bring me closer to YOU, not the gifts themselves.

Fun

I have so much fun with Kinpuffs & Bei2 :) What a good day!
We hang out so much that our auntie cycles come at the same time! Haha.. TMI T.T

Put Me Through Fire #2

Stolen from Clementine's post.

The painful thing about the Christian life is that sometimes we don't learn until we bear the consequences of our mistakes. "Be watchful (sober-minded) and alert, your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him firm in your faith..." An icky feeling came upon me when I realized my lack of alertness and watchfulness... I guess if felt that way because I realized it along with the consequences of not being alert and watchful.

Reflections that came out of it

On failing...

The worse kind of consequences for our mistakes- our sins is not the kind that we have to bear by ourselves - the worse kind of consequences are the ones that hurt the ones we care about. A feeling of helplessness is felt when we look upon the shattered glass and realize there is nothing we can do to gather the pieces and stick them back together - we cannot fix it. And then comes the temptation to dwell upon it, and I guess it feels good for a moment to be hard on ourselves and to blame ourselves and to punish ourselves. It is as if we are fixing something by punishing ourselves.

Nuh Uh! God's Grace helps us to understand how foolish that is. There is liberation in placing our faults at the foot of the cross. Understanding Jesus Christ helps us to grab onto the Grace of God, allow Him to cleanse us, allow Him to purify us from all unrighteousness - and then we lift our head and learn to walk again in the freedom that comes when we know He has cast our sin as far as the East is from the West. Are the consequences still there??? - YUH!

Some consequences we bear the rest of our lives until we are lifted up into Glory. But we learn to Trust Him to take care of the mess. We learn that by His strength we can live joyfully while bearing the earthly consequence of our failures, understanding that God can make good come out of it, even if at the moment it is impossible for any good to come out of it.

On blessings...

I am learning the value of certain blessings God places in our lives. Since these blessings are valuable, they are also tough - they are tough in a way that it is not only challenging, but also humbling to the believer He entrusts it to. The rewards however are eternal. Pastor Jireh's repeated phrase he has mentioned quite often in his sermons ring in my heart - "God cares more about your character than He cares about your comfort." I define character as-- our closeness to Him, and our likeness to Him.

Romans 8:28 "For I know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." What is this purpose???
Romans 8:29 "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

I am thinking that some blessing can only be enjoyed along with the toughness that comes with it... why? Well in my life I am convicted and have concluded that blessings become curses when we forget the Blesser. Of course I might be wrong about my next observation, but I find the toughness inbedded in the blessing as glue to the Blesser. See... I think the Greatest Gift God gives us is HIMSELF - all blessings and gifts he pours into our lives are meant to point us to HIMSELF. It is foolish when we take His blessings and forget about Him - not realizing that the ultimate blessing is not in the gift itself, but in the Giver.
Hence, when God inserts some challenge and toughness in the gift - it is good and it serves to keep our focus glued to the Blesser - since without the Blesser, the gift in fact a curse. I find myself lucky when at the end of the day, even if the initial thing I thought was the gift disappears; I find my relationship with Giver has grown even closer. And when I find myself walking closer with the Giver I also realize that I am a little more conformed to the image of His Son Jesus Christ.

Gifts come in different forms some do not look like gifts at all, but the Ultimate Gift is the Giver Himself, and how he uses "gifts" to Give Himself to us.

On sanctification...

I had lunch with my twiggie today, and I realized I found a sanctification identifier in my life - I told twig (and I am kinda rephrasing it now) - "I think when something causes me to get on my knees and I have no choice to depend on God and be desperate for Him, some major sanctification is going on in my life"

"Bring me joy bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings you glory, and i know there will be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain" Mercy Me.

Put Me Through Fire

Picture taken by Kinpuffs

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

Bei2 gave me this verse over Thanksgiving break when I went through a really hard time. God works for the GOOD of those who love Him...at that time, I was thinking that God would bestow blessings upon me to comfort and help me overcome the tough trial. It was only this morning, when I had a lunch date with Clementine, that I realized the "GOOD" is being "CONFORMED TO THE LIKENESS OF HIS SON." Yes, be like Jesus.

Many times, God allows painful experiences in our life for a very beautiful reason. Sadly, for most of us, it takes HEART-THROBBING SUFFERING for us to understand His precious blood, for us to be conformed to the likeness of His Son. It took me making the biggest mistake of my life.. to truly understand His grace, His goodness, His faithfulness.. for me to understand intimacy and obedience. All the pain, all the discipline, all the ripping away of idols..all to be more like Jesus Christ.

Dana & FloJie gave me an analogy once during FRF. A refiner puts gold into the fire to chip away the impurities. Likewise, God puts us through painful fires to rip away the ugly things that don't belong. A refiner knows to pull the gold out of the fire when he sees a reflection of himself on the gold. Jesus pulls out out of suffering when He sees that the fires have molded us into a REFLECTION OF HIM. It's crazy that we're all ambassadors..all vessels of our Lord. We're truly suppose to reflect HIM.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Lord God, I come before You this today.. completely open to any fire You're willing for me to go through. Evonne and I talk about being on our knees every morning as a reflection of our HEARTS being on its knees. My heart is on its knees, yielding to YOU. Lord, You are my Refiner, my Master, my King, and my Authority. Do to me and through me as You will. Please continue to mold me, no matter the pain or suffering, to the likeness of Your Son. Thank You, Lord Jesus :]

Study Buddy

I miss you.

Rain Down Your Love

my beautiful friends :)

Evonne and I spent 2 HOURS and 15 MINUTES going over SEVEN verses in Ephesians. It was such a short passage..but we spent such a long time talking about the word "LOVE" and the word "ROOT." It is SO GOOD studying Your LIVING TRUTH. It is SO GOOD to be covered by Your blood.

BUT LORD JESUS. EVERYONE IS SO BROKEN. Not everyone understands with their HEART that they are SAVED, REDEEMED, AND UNASHAMED BY YOUR BLOOD. THERE ARE SO MANY BROKEN PEOPLE OUT THEREEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

IV has gained more people. people walk in, sing songs, hang out, walk out. but WHERE IS THEIR HEART?
a brother fighting in cycles and cycles of porn & masturbation.. so much shame
a sister drowning in cycles and cycles of porn & masturbation.. so much loneliness
a sister cutting herself because she feels hopeless
a friend waking up to find a much older man on top of her
siblings in CHRIST backstabbing and hurting each other
a friend who walks into anatomy with a frown, with cuss words, with anger everyday
a friend who struggles with homosexuality thinking that it's her identity
a brother who struggles to honor his parents and yet put You first in his life
a sister wounded from dirty experiences, parents' divorce, and words of her mom's tongue
a friend who went through the motions for YEARS but have not experienced Your blood
a brother who hears those effing bastards whispering in his ears, throwing lies at him
a brother who is abandoned, crushed, and feels as if no one cares
a friend who is a child of the demon. yes, if you're not of Christ, you're of the bastards. (John 8:42)
a sister who has fallen KAHZILLION times and yet keeps falling
a sister whose couple family relatives passed away in the same period of time
a friend who goes to work, study, work, study, work, study, and nothing else

MUST I GO ON?! Everytime an ambulance passes by, my mind just wonders, "was there DEATH?! Was the person a believer? Are they in hell?!"

EVERYDAY, PEOPLE ARE HEADING TOWARDS HELL.. AND WHAT ON EARTH ARE WE, BELIEVERS OF JESUS CHRIST, DOING?!!?

Oh Lord, 3 months ago.. I was dashing down the streets.. disregarding every red light, wanting to just end the pain. Ridiculous. 3 months later, You have DELIVERED ME COMPLETELY, healed me to my utter most, crushed the STUPID STRONGHOLDS, wiped away the DIRTY MEMORIES..completely washed me white as snow. HOW I DESIRE, AHBUJII, that the whole world will experience this INSANE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR THEM.

You are sovereign. You are faithful. You are full of love. You are the AUTHOR of love. You love the Losts and my brothers&sisters SO MUCH MORE than I can ever love them. PLEASE JESUS, RAIN DOWN YOUR LOVE! OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN AND JUST POURRRRRRR!!! Even when situations seem so bleak, I trust in Your light to penetrate through every hardened heart.

Let it rain. Let it rain!!!

HolyGee! HolyGee! HolyGee!

I have the HOLYGEE.

Through the HolyGee, I have the power to demolish arguments, cast away any lies or pretension, and stand against ANY TEMPTATION through HIS power. I take captive every thought in obedience to Jesus Christ. Evil Bastards, you will no longer have any strongholds in my life because I belong fully to my Lord Jesus Christ. The cross of Jesus Christ covers me THICKLY and your nasty ways can't penetrate through His love. I HAVE THE HOLYGEE. THE HOLYGEE GIVES ME ENERGEE!!!! :D :D

HOLYGEE! HOLYGEE! HOLYGEE! HOLYGEE! HOLYGEE! HOLYGEE! HOLYGEE!

Anatomy

Do you guys realize that it's the END OF THE SEMESTER?! I'm absolutely flabbergasted still (I only use this word when I am really flabbergasted, haha)! Today is my last day of real school with exams hitting in next week..then...winterbreak. WHAT THE HECK?! I thought it'd be the longest semester ever.. with all the stuff I had to go through.. but in retrospect, it was so frigging fast. God really accelerated my time. Even better, God really accelerated my healing. I'm more than blessed.

I'm so sad that Anatomy is over. I met five amazing people in that class. One was my co-worker, one is a good buddy of Jesus Christ, and two that I've been encouraging and reaching out to. I thought that they would merely be classmates.. but they turned out to be friends I can keep forever...friends that I desire so badly to share Jesus Christ with. I'm so sad that it's over.. I'm so sad that there is no more kahzillion non-english words to memorize. Even though I came out of that class with ABSOLUTELY NO KNOWLEDGE, I came out with some darn good friends. Praise God for them.

On the other hand, my walk with God has been so stable. It's so stable that it feels like I've been lacking so much intimacy with Him. Do I really need to roll on the ground, throb in pain, drown myself in tears, screaming into an empty house "AHBUJIII!!" feeling warm shivers down my body, hearing Him whsiper in my ear, have random visions, T my heart out, etc etc for me to feel intimate with the Lord? I need to STOP relying on EXPERIENCES WITH GOD but GOD himself. High mountain top experiences are blessings from the Lord.. but when He chooses to stop being all POW WOW in my face is the time when He trusts me the most. It's almost a BLESSING to stop having these experiences..cause these experiences are SO fleeting. Lord Jesus Christ, this day is Yours. You are my LORD. You don't revolve around my college life..but my college life revolves AROUND YOU. May everything I do today, the words that come out of my lips, the thoughts of my mind..be all led by the HolyGee.

I'm Sorry

Ahbujii, I'm sorry. I don't even wanna talk about my day today.. how I have completely backstabbed You and chose a thousand things before I chose You.. how I intentionally left You out of the picture.. and realize the consequences later.

I am so weak and exhausted.
I just want to rest in Your presence.
At the end of everything, I just want to be with You.
Nothing else tonight. Just You and me.