Reconciliation

Heavenly Ahbujii,

I was honestly pissed off at You yesterday. You want me to pour out my heart genuinely to You, right? I was utterly bitter and angry. How can a loving Father be so cruel? How can my Ahbujii completely disregard my heart just so I can live for His glory? I felt as if You're toying with me.. playing me like a puppet.. shattering my heart so that I can abandon all that I am and give YOU all the glory. Many times in the past, I would imagine You smiling maliciously at me, grinning at me while I'm in pain.. and You're sitting on some high throne getting all the praise to Yourself. I always have LIES in my head that You ruthlessly, completely rip my heart so that it can fully be Yours.

I was reminded by Bei2 yesterday..that the drastic decision I made at the end of the summer was MY choice. You never forced me into anything. You never pointed a gun in my face and scream, "GIVE IT UP!!" The HolyGEE's voice was way too compelling..too irresistable. It was MY choice. You know why, Lord Jesus?

because that's how much I crave to be intimate with You.
because that's how much my spirit longs to be with You.. to delight FIRST in You.
because that's how much I want to love You..to know You as my FIRST LOVE.
because i was DISGUSTED at all the false intimacies that I've been exposed to..and I want some GENUINE INTIMACY.
because that's how much the cross compels me..that I have no choice but to give You all that I am.
because that's how much Your daily deliverance has transformed me.
because that's how SICK I am of my old life.. and I want to live my NEW LIFE in YOU.
because You reconciled me to Yourself even when I had absolutely nothing to offer.

I allowed You to rip all the idols in my life.. all the strongholds that have been there for YEARS AND YEARS because I WANT YOU TO BE MY ONLY STRONGHOLD, LORD JESUS. I am exposed and honest before You now.. IT HURT. Even when I was taunted by dreams every night, waking up to DEVASTATING MEMORIES .. even good memories became PAINFUL. It was so unbearable..

But over 4 months, You truly turned my wailing into dancing. Over 4 months, You never stopped pouring Your love on me.. You never ceased desiring intimacy with me. Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Over the past four months, I have stuck layers and layers band-aids on top of my wound from the complete rip. Ministry, new friends, laughter, smiles, schoolwork, discipleship, etc unconsciously became coping mechanisms. I guess that's how our brain naturally works right? Even without realizing it, I ran to so many other things for comfort. In order to forget and move on, I have strived so hard.
But today, I ask for You to rip away all my band-aids. Strip away each band-aid.. because even though they temporarily help to stop the bleeding.. the wound is still there. The cut didn't simply hurt my skin and flesh.. it really crushed me. So Jesus.. strip me from all band-aids and cover me with Your precious blood. Cover me with Your precious blood, Lord Jesus. My band-aids fail.

This Christmas, I thank You so much for reconciliation. I've been learning SO MUCH about reconciliation lately.. how You reconcile me to YOU through Your Son. ONCE AND FOR ALL. I ask that this coming year, You will teach me what it means to reconcile the broken relationships in my life. I'm not sure what it means for me.. what reconciliation even looks like.. but I trust in Your HolyGee's guidance and leading.
I am an AMBASSADOR of RECONCILIATION. You have committed to me the message of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5: 14-21). Thanks for Morgan for sharing these verses with me!

Jesus, this Christmas day, I truly pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ.. and all the Losts around me will understand.. the beauty of Your reconciliation.