Taken and edited by my beloved Kinpuffs :) So much has happened this past weekend so here is my epic post :) I just journaled 4 hours worth of 14 pages in my journal.. yes FOURTEEN PAGES. Here's a general summary. Here I go.
A Time for Everything.
"There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fantom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is a gift from God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him."
The blowing lady's prophecy to read Ecclesiastes came back to me again this past Thursday. There's truly a time for EVERYTHING..a season for every activity under Heaven. This past season was a time to HEAL and RISE UP. Even though it was often heart-wrenching, it wasn't MY will, MY actions, or MY emotions that determines the condition of it. YOU make everything beautiful in its time. Even though I have "lost" something so dear, You pour ten thousand more blessings on me. Every activity is a GIFT from You. You want me to make the best out of it.. to enjoy.. but ultimately, the purpose of EVERYTHING is to draw me closer to You. You have SET ETERNITY in my heart so that through all, I know that every single achievement, every pleasure, every friendship is TEMPORARY because I belong in Heaven. I live in light of ETERNITY because Home is Heaven. Every toil is meaningless but when I fear YOU and follow Your commandments, that's when broken turns into beautiful. Jesus, You have truly turned my broken into beautiful.
Discipleship/Quiet Passion.
I had discipleship with Dana on Friday. She has literally ran this amazing race alongside me since YUGO Summer Missions, 2006. For 3 years now, I have been completely honest with her with every inch of my heart, every shameful action I do in the dark. We went through so many hard times together..and I remember many moments when I wanted to just cuss her out and just throw away our discipleship. I don't know how she dealt with me..considering all the crap I went through. Our discipleship used to consist of her looking intently at me..but my eyes turned somewhere else because I couldn't stop crying. So frigging intense. Our discipleship season has also changed. Now, we're just laughing and chillaxing. Thinking about it, every single problem has led to the next.. led to the next..led to the next.. and this past summer, it boiled hard and literally EXPLODED. All this time, ever since I was young, I had a very deep intense need for intimacy...
On quiet passion..
In the past, I always had the need to be LOUD and PROUD about my passion for Jesus. My passion had to be conspicuous to a large crowd..had to be shown off to the whole world. I utterly hated myself when my passion turned from Jesus to.... something else destructive. At that time, I realized how weak my roots were.. how fake my outward expressions of "faith" were. Dana said that now, I have a very strong quiet passion. It's true.
Now adays, my deepest pain and deepest joy are always in private with Jesus. No one, not even my closest friends, see the state of the pain and joy I went through and still going through. What they see is merely a glimpse of what happens when I'm by myself. They don't NEED to see what I go through..they don't NEED to comprehend the deepest parts of me.. - THATS ALL FOR MY JESUS. It's so silly how many times, we ask, "WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY UNDERSTAND ME?!" and in the end, only to find out that He's screaming in our eyes, saying, "I UNDERSTAND YOU!!" and yet, we keep looking for other intimacies to fulfill that hole that only He can fill. Jesus, it's just YOU AND ME HERE NOW.. JUST YOU AND ME.
Today, I finally understand what I said 3 years ago..
"Aparte de la Vid, Rama no puede hacer NADA!!!!"
A Step on a Staircase.
Driving out of Dana's house, I was so joyful thinking about how my Ahbujii delivered me these past 3 months. 3 months ago, I would have NEVER imagined where I am right now. As I drove, I couldn't express how grateful I was.. how thankful and blessed I felt.. my t took over and went insane on me. Then, my hands and legs started shaking violently.. when my words are so insufficient, God is always so faithful to provide a physical overflow of my heart. In the past, this only happened when my heart was utterly in pain and I couldn't express it.. but these days, it has truly served a different purpose :)
I screamed into my car,
"AHBUJIIII!!! I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY!!! WHAT CAN I DO WITH MY JOY?!?!"
"Tell ___________ (anonymous)."
"....okay..."
I texted my friend
"God loves so deeply and you are so beautiful in His eyes."
"...good timing."
Turned out that because she was so depressed that day, she was about to dive back into drugs to escape from her pain... but my text came in. YEAH. SERIOUSLY. I can't believe the HolyGee used my simple text to save her ..once again. That night, I got to once again remind her how much God loves her through our uncountable back-and-forth text.. but sadly, in the end, she still chose to fix herself. Even though she knows that "I'm right," she wants to use her broken hands to pick up the shattered pieces of her own heart. It's so sad to think about how the most precious, beautiful, and FREE treasure is infront of her..and yet, she chose to remain in her brokenness. I trust that Friday night was a HUGE STEP on a staircase leading Home.. and I trust my dear friend into Your hands.
Father.
Today, my father went back to Indo already. Last night, we sat and prayed together. As he prayed, memories of his 26-day stay kept popping up in my mind...Garden of Gethsemane biblestudy, praying and sharing time, watching him love on Kaitlynn, ramen noodles with fried eggs, green onion pancakes, standing infront of the door to see me leave, cleaning my bathroom counter, waking up at 5am and hearing him pray downstairs, his smile when I come home everynight, his gentle voice, and just the uncountable ways he served the family.
He never ceased spurring me towards You.. he never stopped reminding me to be intimate with You. As he sat beside me and prayed, I realized that THIS was the very thing I've been missing all my life. In the past, I always told Dana that I don't love my dad because he's never around anyways. I grew completely apathetic but last night, the bubble just broke. I started crying uncontrollably..because through my earthly father, I finally saw a beautiful glimpse of my Heavenly Father..of YOU. Thank You for 26 days. Thank You that in 26 days, you restored all the times I never had with him... Thank You Jesus, for the fellowship I can have with my father, not because of genetics but because of Your precious blood.
No DCBC.
It's crazy to think about not going to DCBC for a whole month. I found a new church in Carrollton and will be attending services there. I'll also start going to their college group on Friday nights. Honestly, I want to move on. When college hit, the UT kids made so many new friends..new group of friends. And yet, I was still with my old group of friends. This past Thanksgiving, I realized that now, I can't even hang out with my old group of friends as a whole! I think that really gave me a BIG BOOST to seriously start fresh and move on. I still love my old friends and want to stick with them.. but I really want to find some new ones as well. Since I can't go to DCBC this whole WinterBreak, it'll be a good chance for this. If I turn out to really like GHC, I might stay as well.. who knows what happens from there. Is this the HolyGee's will? I have no idea.
A Blessed Weekend.
Girls small group. Steak&Shake. Slept over at Bei2. 5 hours of Tap house with Bei2. 2 hours of QT with Evonne. Thanks for the Christmas present, Evonne! 2 more hours of discipleship with Dana. more sleepover with Bei2 at my place. laughing like crazy thinking about 11th-12th grade good times. a family breakfast!! facial lady. family photoshoot. photoshoot with Kinpuffs, Dii, & Bei2. Slept over at Kinpuffs. talked some more. AWESOME church service. AWESOME sunday school. Tap house, Russell Creek, longboard, and feeding the fish, seagulls, turtles, and ducks with LUCKYCHARMS. literally dumped a whole bag of cereal into the pond. got ears pierced with Bei, Kinpuffs, and Sandy. Denny's. War of the Worlds.
Thank You, Jesus!!!!!
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