Waiting Upon The Lord

I'm sorry, Ahbujii.
I'm sorry for using my own human effort to strain forward.
I'm sorry for trying so hard to move on and forget.
I'm sorry for tuning out the voice of the HolyGee.
I'm sorry for attempting so hard to be strong.
I'm sorry for wearing the crown on my head and being self-sufficient.
I'm sorry for offering burnt offerings, and not a broken and contrite heart.
I'm sorry for my "righteous acts" which are nothing but FILTHY RAGS.
I'm sorry for running away, for escaping, for self-denial, for lying to myself and to You.
I'm sorry for changing the external, refusing to deal with the internal.
I'm sorry for switching churches without even considering You.

My efforts, apart from You, are ULTIMATELY WORTHLESS.
You've been screaming in my ear, "FACE IT, TWIG! STOP RUNNING AWAY! POUR IT OUT TO ME AND I CAN HEAL YOU!" but I close my ears and keep trying to fix my own shattered heart. How silly. How stupid. TAI BEN!

This whole time, You've been telling me..

• "Yet those who wait and hope for the Lord will gain new strength.
  They will mount up with wings like eagles,
  They will run and not get tired,
  They will walk and not become weary."
  
• "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our Help and our Shield."
• "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
• "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.."
• "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits; and in HIS WORD I put MY HOPE."

I have a bookmark in my journal that says "PATIENCE" and I didn't even notice it until today. Funny thing, my sister in Christ has one too.

HolyGee, I will let go of my grip and wait upon YOU. Thank You for breaking me down these few days..to realize how much I need and long for You. I will NOT be a girl who has to have what I want when I want it. I will be a WOMAN who has developed a capacity to avoid demanding immediate gratification. I can WAIT. I can make sacrifices for something greater. I have higher causes than my immediate needs.

Thank You for the people You have put in my life to hear me out- FloJie, Dana, Bei2, THomie, etc. Thank You the Truth that you speak through these people's mouths. Thank You for Lu who kept me company for three days. Thank You for Kinpuffs who sent me a lovely beautiful package in the mail :) Thank You for DiiDii's awesome longboard who has kept me company when I'm bored!

"In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice.
In the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation."