Tonight The Stars Speak

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
How long till your eyes weep with me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

Oh my spirit...

My heart has been SO INTENSELY heavy recently. It's not just firing bullets of loneliness that come and leave like the past few weeks. It lingers and chews me up, almost. It's SO HEAVY. I literally feel a heavy weight pressing down on my heart..and it gets so suffocating sometimes. I can't study in peace. It just presses down heavily and wants me to burst into tears and tongues.

First Chem exam. It was so hard and discouraging. This heaviness not only taunt me during my studies, but during my exam as well. Not only was the exam difficult itself, how exactly can I focus with this weight on my heart? I finally gave up, randomly bubbled circles, stood up, and dashed to my car. FAIL.

It just popped and burst. My spirit weep.. weep..weep.. my tongues went nuts. And my mind asks, "why is my heart so heavy? why is my spirit in so much sorrow? WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY?!?" The problem is- I HAVE NO IDEA. I wish I know why my heart is heavy, why my spirit weeps and tongues like that.. but as I kept searching my heart, I really HAVE NO IDEA. I'm just studying fervently and the heaviness pops in and says hello. I'm not even thinking about anything sad!!!!! I was thinking about Chem and Anatomy!!

One thing I do know... I have a very deep deep deep intense desire to be intimate with Him. Andrea says I have a "depth of heart," whatever that means. I don't know what's wrong with my spirit or why my heart hurts the way it does. But more than anything in this world, I just want Him. I want that intimacy that words can't describe. I want to see His eyes. I want to feel His embrace. I want to see Him weeping with me. I want my spirit to be one with the Holy Spirit when I sleep. My spirit CRAVES, LONGS, THIRSTS for my Jehovah Rapha like never before. FILL ME UP. FILL ME UP.

But seriously, with this intense heaviness come intense joy. I've truly received a lot of joy from Him.. and there are times when I just laugh..laugh..laugh... can't stop laughing.. and I don't KNOW WHY EITHER.

Whatever it is, LORD JESUS, PLEASE SEARCH ME upside down inside out. I don't wanna do anything apart from Your will.

Weeping

I was in the shower this morning and randomly decided to do this passage for my quieTime.

"When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's home, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them, and poured perfume on them."

I wasn't even sure why.. I have read this passage so many times..but for the first time, I was deeply moved and touched. I could almost cry thinking about this woman. What was she going through? She was probably living in cycles of shame.. cycles that she was infamous for. I wonder what rendered such a beautiful outpouring of her heart..that she was disregard condescending looks and just WEEP, WET HIS FEET, WIPED THEM WITH HER HAIR, KISSED THEM, AND JUST CRACKED OPEN AND POURED OUT THAT PERFUME. That's not just one of those singing empty lyrics, raising hands, all sky-high emotional worship session. That is TRUE WORSHIP. BEAUTIFUL WORSHIP.

I laid on my bed, SOAKING after this passage. SOAK is a method taught by Drew after the missions trip. It is where you simply lay there, think about nothing, pray nothing, and just wait for the Holy Spirit to reveal something to You.. to fill You up for the day. My mind wandered endlessly, thinking about my Anatomy practical exam. As I tried to focus, out of the blue.. a CLEAR image popped up in my mind. It was a clear memory of that day I said goodbye to my friend at the apartment. It was an instant rewind in my mind.. and everything was so clear. She walked past me, went up the stairs and when the door slammed, my heart literally CRACKED. As I was soaking, I FELT, once again, the THROBBING pain I went through that day.. the hurt was so overwhelming I wanted to just rip my heart out. I was on the ground..just weeping away. But this time, Fiona and Mitchy weren't there. I saw a feet.. and tears were wetting it.. It was HIS feet. I weeped, wet his feet, wiped them with my hair, kissed them, and poured out that jar of perfume.

I don't know how a random image like that would pop up in my mind.. but I knew it wasn't my insane mind that would draw out that memory again. I was thinking about ANATOMY! But I just laid there..and felt warm shivers go through my body..
"you did that for ME.. you did that for ME..I was there.." words spoke in my mind.

And all I could do, is pour out more tears of worship.. raise the arms of my heart, and respond..
"I love You so much, Lord Jesus. Thank YOU"

"Tears are God's way of helping us descend with the mind into the heart and there bow in perpetual adoration and worship.."

Longing

Do you like this picture, Fioho? :)

"Oh God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul THIRSTS FOR YOU;
my body LONGS FOR YOU;
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water."

In this dry and weary season of my life, You're the ONLY ONE I thirst for.. the ONLY ONE I long for. Above all these emotions and desires... lies a very deep desire to be intimate with You, Jehovah Rapha. I don't want.. and i would HATE for anything else to fulfill these empty holes. I want to give up all that I am just to know all that You are.

Except, I think You have already flooded by dry&weary land with tears of laughter, sorrow, joy, bwahahah!! :) Thank You, Ahbujiii...
It's just YOU and ME here now, just YOU and ME, Lord Jesus.

P.S.: Jiggleyy Pufff.... TwigELLY KINSpuff (it's like, cream puffs!), JESUS IS IN CONTROL. Smile real BIG :D

Complete Cut

I miss youth group. I miss worship team practices. I miss girl small groups with Tator. I miss winteRetreats. I miss tappin` and playing sp00ns. I miss praying and worshippin` together. I miss NERTS. I miss playing ultimate with Daddy and the rest. I miss sunday school. I miss our massive endless facebook threads from prayeRequests to randomness. I miss our spontaneous hangouts at Tator's place. I miss the sleepovers. I MISS IT, I MISS IT, I MISS ITT!!!

We were all so close.. like a big family. We were so different and yet, united by the blood of Jesus Christ. You guys were truly my family... but what is up with this family now? One summer... and all these complete cuts. INTENTIONAL complete cuts that HURT. What? No facebook. No text. No phonecalls. No hearing about each other. No this, no that. Complete cut, no communication WHATSOEVER. And even better, both of these complete cuts have to do with ME. Is there something wrong with ME? No No, don't let the Evil Idiot put lies in your head.

I miss my brother in Christ. I was always so comfortable with him.. say anything anytime. I miss having late night conversations with Him.. and THAT is where the problem began. But mostly, I miss walking alongside Him, encouraging Him, hurting with Him, and just being a sister. THAT is gone too. And that this time, I have to choose to not talk to Him whatsoever.. to truly be his sister in Christ.

Dear Lord Jesus, we're doing all this for You. We're completely cutting from one another so that we will draw closer to You, not each other.

I miss it all but no more toothpicks. Let's stand on the ROCK.

Worship of Tears

Alone here at UTD. Everyone's out. There's only a Twig left.
Firing bullets of loneliness, sadness, and heaviness shoot relentlessly at me. These feelings are no strangers to me. It's already part of my everyday life. In class.. during endless a&p stress.. figuring out chemistry calculations.. out of the blue, an overwhelming feeling just shoots into my heart and no matter how much I try to dodge it or suppress it, it keeps fighting its way in. Even before I can open the door and let it in, these feelings just BARGE IN and take over. Well hello there, nice to see you again. I'm really busy right now...can you come back again tomorrow?

In the past, I would run to demoralizing, destructive, and demonized things to escape from my tears. Back in my old life, I would do anything not to feel pain.. not to drop a single tear. And now, it's completely different.
With much tears come much healing. I have healed much because I have cried much. I don't run away from my tears anymore.. God gave me tears for a reason.. it's a God-given catharsis. Tears are a GIFT FROM GOD ABOVE.

"Tears are blood in the wounds of the soul."
In Greek, the Greek word "Penthos" means broken and contrite heart, inward GODLY SORROW, deep heart-felt compunction, BLESSED AND HOLY mourning...
The bible is full of peepz that went through TEARS AFTER TEARS.

"Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll; are they not in your record?"
"I am worn out from my groaning; all night long, I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears."
"My tears have been my food day and night..."

THIS IS MY FAVORITE.
"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his REVERENT SUBMISSION."

I praise God for tears. It's only through deep mourning have I experienced deep joy. There are many nights when I lay there and I can't stop crying because I have truly understood God's deep love for me. It's not just any emotional high after a worship session. With the overflowing love He pours out into me daily, I can do nothing but love him back with my tears. I can do nothing but obey and abide in Him. I can do nothing but lay my life on the altar as a sacrifice. I can do nothing but sing and dance INSANELY in my car- YOU LIFFFTEEDD MEE OUTTTT!!! I can do nothing but exclaim, "THANK YOU ABBA, THANK YOU JEHOVAH JIREH, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Tears are God's way of helping us descend with the mind into the heart and there bow in perpetual adoration and worship."
"The fire of sin is intense but it is put out by a small amount of tears, for the tears puts out a furnace of faults and cleans our wounds of sin..."

My tears are my deepest overflow of worship and love for Him.

Thank You...
Heavenly Pap.
Homie J.
Holy G.
YOU HAVE DELIVERED ME AND I AM NOW FREE.

Fun with Jesus

I never knew I could have so much fun with Jesus. I LOVE LOVE Chris Tomlin's "You Lifted Me Out!!!" For some of you who has seen me sing that song.. I get pretty hyped up. So.. Jesus and I have these AWESOME MOMENTS when I'm driving and screaming out this song. It doesn't even matter anymore.. I just let go of my wheel and start clapping, screaming, shouting and laughing uncontrollably. At the red light, I'm like screaming out my window and people beside me think I'm crazy.. but does it matter anymore? I have so much fun when it comes down to just Jesus and I. :) THANK YOU LORD JESUS.

It doesn't matter where I am in life.. how sad or glad I am.. He has always lifted me out, through all and in all. I love this feeling of TRUE JOY. There is really freedom in Christ Jesus.

You turned my way
You heard my cry
You turned my mourning into shouting
Sorrow may last for a night
But with the light I am seeing
I am singing.. I AM SCREAMINGGGG!!!

You lifted me out
You lifted me out
And set me dancing, dancing
Free, now I am free
Your love rescued me
Now it’s the anthem I’m singing

Many will see
Many will hear
And find You strong enough to save
Many the wonders You have done
Your light has come, I am singing
I am singing

Lost is where You found me
Shattered and frail
But You love me still
Trouble may surround me
My heart may fail
But You never will
You never will

Stand in the Rain

"What happened to you?! Is it the braces?!"
My cute A&P prof asked me that question today.. after repeatedly failing 3 quizzes in the row. As in, REALLY HORRENDOUSLY FAILING. What happened to that Straight A student? My emotions have really affected my studies.. but thankfully, those emotions always bring me back before Christ, humble. Yeah, my grades are suffering tremendously.. but He is sovereign. It's gonna be a stressful week... be still, Twig..be still...
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There's gonna be Thunderstorms outside very soon.. and I CANNOT WAIT. Yes, blow! spatter! roar! thunder! lightning! be louddddd!!! I don't know why I want it to storm so bad.. but it reminds me of this song I've sang like 6x today: Stand in the Rain
-------------------
She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

Choosing to Worship

I don't understand. My heart is about to break into million pieces..not that it hasn't. Thousand of emotions bombard me at once.. and there is absolutely no reason why I would wanna come before You. I'll rather find my own way out..live the life I want to live..text whoever, call whoever, be friends with whoever.

But because I desire and long for You so much, Oh Lord.. I choose to worship You, even with words I can't form in my mouth. Even if I can't do so, I pray that every tear that falls from my eyes will bring me closer to You, Jehovah Rapha.. only closer to YOU. I pray that my pain, my tears, my thousand of emotions will be a worship to You.. because I have really chosen You.
-----------------------
How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Laughter

Have you ever laughed so hard.. you start rolling on the ground...roll roll roll..and your tummy starts hurting...A LOT? No matter how much you try to stop laughing, you just keep laughing..laughing..rollling... rolling... hurting.. and hurting away? :) BWAHAHHAAHAH...

Well, I had one of those tonight in Ines's bathroom (i rolled outside though, ewwie) and it was AMAZING. It's truly been a while. >SO PRECIOUS to me. Thank You, LORD JESUS, for friends..that spur each other on TOWARDS YOU.

Shell-Shocked

There are times when I sit down.. shocked. I thought it has hit me completely.. but some nights, things are just still so unbelievable. All that has happened this past summer changed my life.. COMPLETELY.. and Lord Jesus, it has been WAY TOO SUDDEN. "Tai Tu Ran Le," is all I told Ines last night.. this is all way too drastic, way too fast. THIS IS WAY TOO SUDDEN. I AM STILL SHELL-SHOCKED.

How exactly does someone live from texts in the morning, texts at night, texts throughout the day, 3-4 hours of oovoo webcam studying daily, a phonecall away, encouraging facebook wall posts, uncountable KAHZILLION memories, ..CONSTANT presence in my life.. to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!? BAM! ITS ALL GONE! DOOR SLAM! GAME OVER!! THE END!!!
This complete cut is just way too cruel, way way too cruel. Don't You do things in moderation, Lord Jesus? Do you not hear my heart shatter? Can you come hold my heart?

But honestly, I'm at peace. I have healed 10000x faster than I thought I would. I don't regret listening to the Holy Spirit's voice. I love following Jesus Christ..as much as it hurts me. I have truly understood the joy of my salvation and there are times I just start LAUGHING IN JOY out of the blue. I'm very thankful. Rid all my idols, Lord Jesus, for You are my ONE AND ONLY.

My favorite psalms/hymn this past month.

"As the deer pants for streams of H20,
so my soul pants for You, Oh God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the Living God."

Living Water, I thirst for You..and You only.

LOVE in TRUTH

Forgiving Myself.
I have forgiven myself this week. When I received God's forgiveness, I was also able to forgive her. But HOW, HOW could I forgive myself for those horrendous things I did? I, Twig Stephanie Setiawan, screwed it ALL UP!!!!! It was my fault from the beginning. Apart from Jesus Christ, I will hate myself forever. But NO!!! He washed me white as snow and gave me the power to live a righteous life through the Holy Spirit. The issue of forgiving myself.. ultimately comes down to the question - WHO IS IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE? If I choose to not forgive myself, that is a clear sign that I am still wearing the crown of my life. But the crown..belongs to my Maker, my Master, my BestFriend, my Lover, my Authority, my Hope, my Peace, my Salvation.. it belongs to You, my dear Lord Jesus. I forgive myself, I forgive her..not by my own will, but by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. I have forgiven myself much because He has forgiven me much.

Dangerous Prayer.
I considered myself crazy when I made that prayer a few days ago. I know that if it's according to HIS DIVINE WILL, it will be answered. On the other hand, I was SO SCARED that He would answer it. If he answers this prayer, it would hurt me so deeply and yet, I know that His will is always THE BEST. Though I fear, I am ready to face the "consequences" (more like, positive consequences) of it. I have never truly learned to love until these past few weeks. Love is doing whatever it takes to bring someone closer to Jesus Christ. That prayer was my deepest expression of my love for my Lord, for myself, and for her. I'm ready, Lord Jesus.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in TRUTH. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:18-20

Highlights
So, Kelly highlighted my hair and wow, this time, it turned out quite obvious. Thank you, Kin2 :) I'm not sure why I wanted so badly to get a change. New heart, new life, new friends, new room, new mind... why not new hair? Bwah ha ha. By the way, Kin2 HACKED MY FACEBOOK.. that's usually my job. Now I know what it feels like.....

One Month

It's the 16th. Oh my goodness. It's been ONE MONTH ever since Vancouver ended. I can't believe it's only ONE MONTH?! Thats gotta be the LONGEST one month I ever had in my life. Everything feels so long..so draining.. living one day at a time.. and now, one month past. ONLY ONE MONTH.

I used to get uncountable texts in the morning. My phone just keeps ringing...ringing...ringing ENDLESSLY because someone just keeps sending me texts with verses/lyrics like.. 8am in the morning. Don't they know that my phone rings and not vibrate? My phone doesn't ring like that anymore..and I miss it.
---------------------------------
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4: 22-24

Clementine

I love my brother. Praying for him.
Can't wait to see him this weekend :)
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Surrounded by so many people and yet, it still feels really lonely and empty. It's gonna be a long night of studying.. and I really miss my studybuddy. Last sem, I never went through a single night alone because my studybuddy will always be there to encourage and cheer me on. My studybuddy never went to sleep unless I was done with my school work too. This sem, it's different. This sem, it's just me. No, that's wrong.
This sem, it's me and Jesus. That's more than sufficient, Twig. You'll be OKAY.. you'll be very okay. You got Jesus. You got Jesus. You got Jesus. You got Jesus. Twig, you've got Jesus.

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Haha :)
Karen is so much fun!

But through it all....

lifting my hands. screaming praise songs in the car. admiring the rain. praying to sleep. intimate quiet times. memorable prayers. caking ines. deep conversations. running around everywhere. stuffing down food. pulling up pants. pictures. yummycake & you are my sunshine. delicious korean food. talkingwithkin2 till weeweehours. strumming my heart out. karen jumping out of drumbox. you lifted me out. you send me dancing. free now i am free. taking silly pictures. booger girl. webcam with new friends. writing encouragement cards. facebook everywhere. poptheback with clement. la mads with dana. leaving karen a voicemail. beautiful innocence sketch. sow&reap. SOAK. hotchocolate with rosa. elbows everywhere. awesome sunday service. uncountable texts. meeting new friends. praising God. porkchop sandwich.

holding boogers hand.
rubbing turtle's elbows.
talking meowmeowfun.
........... .

what a great week. what a fun weekend.
but through it all, there is still something so missing... so lonely...so ripped apart.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY HEART, GOD?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would you come close and
HOLD MY HEART?!?

Holy Spirit, teach me to be genuine to face my pain.
Abba Father, teach me to keep praising you through all trials.
Jesus, teach me to understand the depths of Your love.

I am here. Waiting. I am not copping out.
I am Yours, only.

Reap & Sow

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LORD JESUS!! I praise You. I adore You. You are my LORD forever. I want to declare that not with my voice but with my LIFE. Jehovah Rapha, MY Jehovah Rapha!!

Kelly gave me a beautiful sketch with a note + verse written on it. Tonight, I had the most amazing quiet + SOAK time with my Lord Jesus. I took the verse Kelly gave me and asked that the HS will speak to me through the verse.

"A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6: 7-9

A man reaps what he sows. If he reaps much, he sows much. If he plants and scatters little seeds, the fruits will be in proportion with the amount he gave away. Though this is pertaining to farmy harvesty thingies, I believe that everyone sows and reaps daily. While some bury their minds and hearts in textbooks, others pour out their lives into their relationships. The amount they give out..is the amount they receive. The point of this verse is.. where exactly do we sow? Do we give ourselves away and scatter out seeds in the things of the SPIRIT or in the FLESH? If we give our hearts to the flesh, we will reap DESTRUCTION. If we give our hearts to the Spirit, we will reap ETERNAL LIFE.

When I made the decision to give up the biggest chunk of my life, it hurt like hell. As exaggerated as it sounds, I thought I was going to die from all the pain and crying. I just wanted to give up and give in to my own desires. But you said in this verse..that I should not be weary in doing good. I should not be weary of sowing to please the Spirit..because in due time, I will reap a harvest if I don't give up. Just like there are seasons to nature, there are also seasons to the soul. When I scattered my seeds of life in Your field, I totally laid my heart and soul on that altar as a living sacrifice. But as much as I wanted to see the seeds grow immediately, they needed time to take root in the firm foundation of Jesus Christ. They needed to be watered by the Living Water DAILY. They needed to be fertilized by the Sword of the Spirit. They needed to be REPLENISHED by Your LOVE and FORGIVENESS, Lord Jesus. As my father will say, it's a GROWING PROCESS. The more I gave myself away..the more I crucified my old self...the more I relinquished control and surrendered my selfish desires.. the more I will reap the fruits of the Spirit- love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Ultimately, I need to know WHO IS IN CHARGE. This is not my harvest. It's Yours, Lord Jesus. You supply "seed to the sower and bread for food" and You will "increase the store of seed" and "enlarge the harvest of righteousness." (2 Corinthians 9: 6-11) You will not give me more pain than I can handle because You are a LOVING FATHER and You know me from the inside out. You will "make grace abound" to me so that in all things, "at all times, having all that I need" through the precious blood of Jesus Christ, I will "abound in all good work." You are in charge of this harvest. You are in charge of MY LIFE.

Lastly, I hang on to Your promise in Psalms, my Jehovah Rapha.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who gives out weeping, carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him..."
Psalm 126: 5-6

THANK YOU, JEHOVAH RAPHA,
The Lord our Healer.

Dreams

I ask to see Your eyes before I go to sleep. If not eyes, maybe a hug would do. Though I used to be disappointed when You didn't grant that to me, I trust in Your perfect will. I will wait.

But why? Why give me dreams about my old life? Why give me dreams about someone else? When I am awake, I am conscious and can fight my thoughts and memories. But when I sleep, everything just flows by itself. If you don't give me dreams about Your eyes.. that's cool. But will You please take every other dream away..dreams that make me so sad or so frustrated when I wake up...? I don't like to start my day like that. I don't. I will like to start my day thinking about my Lord Jesus Christ, not anyone else.

But on the other hand, I had a pretty good weekend :)
Kelly highlighted my hair.. but it doesn't really show... wah wah.

I surrender this coming week to You, Lord Jesus. It's all YOURS.

I was once alone...

BUT MEOW MEOW KAREN TRIED IT..

and liked it a lotttt.... <3

I thank God for you, Meow. Let's not look to each other, but spur each other on towards HIM.

"Two are better than one...if one falls down, his friend can help him up...though one may be empowered, two can defend themselves.."

Mark 10: 17-22

Fioho's post really made me think. If I run up to Jesus, fell on my knees, what will HE tell me? Will He tell me to sell my possessions? Or will He simply ask that I follow Him? What is that ONE THING that I lack? He desires every inch of my heart. Is EVERY INCH of my heart..truly, genuinely, fully HIS? Are there any alabaster jars that I cling on to so tightly? Oh Holy Spirit... reveal it to me. I am waiting for Your voice. Just like the last time, I am willing to "go, sell everything, and give it to the poor." It hurts, Lord Jesus, to have You on the throne of my heart. There are a thousand things, a thousand forces, fighting furiously for that spot. Letting go tore me apart into pieces..but in the end, it's all worth it..because You are worth it. Lord Jesus, I'm willing to let go..let go..and let go..until I am fully YOURS. Because.. there is no better place to be, than to be fully surrendered to YOU. I love You, Lord Jesus.

Sleepover at Kelly's every Thursday have been so encouraging. I'm so blessed to be able to walk alongside her.. and just see how much she has grown these couple months. I'm so glad that we are able to share our hearts with each other at the weewee hours of the night.. and then pray to sleep together :) Thank You, Lord Jesus.
(HELLO KELLY, are you reading this? :])

OK. SO MUCH TO DO TODAY. Lord Jesus, today, September 11, 2009 is YOURS. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart..be pleasing to You Lord Jesus. You ARE the Lord of today and forevermore. Everything for your glory, Abuhjiii.. wo aii nee, ye shu!!

El Shaddai, El Yonna Adonai, er kam ka na Adonai

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY wu gui SLOWPOKEE :P

Light of the World

A blinding white light. A BLINDING WHITE light. In the spiritual realm, in the unseen, that is what shines out of me. In the spiritual world of demons and angels, I walk around as a blinding white light... hmmm. Last week, when I was so down and depressed, I thought that it'd have disappeared. But when I talked to Owen, the light was still there... I wondered why it would still shine.. and realized that it is NOT ME that shine, but the JESUS CHRIST IN ME. No matter how I feel, the Jesus in me is still the same.. and He chooses to shine out of a walking Twig no matter how she feels. Thank You, Lord Jesus.

"The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."

My heart was deeply saddened when I read this verse. I HAD NO CLUE WHY. Something stirred in me.. and I was SO SAD for the Losts that I know personally. My eyes started tearing up.. and I didn't even know what was going on in my heart. This world, LORD JESUS, is dyingggg.... SO MANY LOSTS OUT THERE.. SO MANY FRIGGING MANY!!! Who the hell am I to live around complacently while so many people go to hell everyday?!?! Why the heck do I moan and groan about my past while so many people's future are doom to eternal suffering?

"For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine IN OUR HEARTS to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ."

LIGHT OF THE WORLD. We are the light of the world. Am I really being this light? This blinding white light in the spiritual realm.. wow, sounds so cool. I really wish that it'd go beyond the spiritual realm.. that the whole world may see this blinding white light.. and turn to Jesus. I desire so much that the losts would see the love, grace, compassion, and forgiveness there is in Christ Jesus. Oh Lord, may my words and actions draw people all the more closer to YOU. I am not just a walking Twig.. I am a walking Bible. OH LORD JESUS, WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN MY LIFE?! SO MANY PEOPLE ARE DYING OUT THERE................

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Random story. I was driving 65 m/h down some highway.. not knowing where I was going. "Welcome to Savannah, Texas!!" HUH?! SAVANNAH!! a few minutes later, I saw the sign, "DENTON BIBLE CHURCH.." I'm in Denton?!?! I had a crazy drive tonight through all these farms and weewee no where. Thank You Lord Jesus..I'm home safe :D

Thank You, Lord Jesus!!

I miss my friend a lot. A lot..a lot..a lot..
Even throughout the day where I filled myself up with screaming and praises, at the end, I can't run away from the fact that I do miss her very dearly.

Thank You, Lord, for the way You've worked in her life. I remember her at WinteRetreat..and seeing where she was during missions, I can't help but praise You. You are ONE GOOD GOD that can completely change lives. I give you all the credit..for You deserve it all.

It hurts but I don't regret giving her up. Even right now, my heart slightly empty, I praise You for Your Holy Spirit that moved in both of us to let it go. I don't understand but I praise You for giving us the heart of obedience that desires to fling everything aside, just to have genuine intimacy with You. It's so hard for both of us.. but Lord Jesus, I'm willing to crack open my alabaster jars before Your feet, no matter how much it hurts.. they're not mine in the first place.

Last night, YOU LORD JESUS, were the last thought before I dozed off. This morning, YOU LORD JESUS, were the first thought when I woke up. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

So many words to say about her...about me.. about You..
but at the end, I can only praise YOU.

I LOVE YOU, LORD JESUS.
I praise YOU. THANK YOU, SO MUCH.

P.S. Thank you for this Chem friend. We webcam tonight..and as I was stressed out, she put on an awesome hat and with her silly pom poms, CHEERED ME ON! ONLY A LITTLE BIT MORE! GO! GO! ahh.. she cracked me up :P

Then Sings My Soul.........

..... my Savior God, to THEEE!! :D :D

I texted my beloved brother at 1am-ish last night and told him I had a hard time sleeping. I was in bed for 2 hours-ish already. He told me to pick up my guitar and sing praise songs to Jesus. I thought he was crazy... I was so exhausted... but I went to sleep, humming, "Free..now I am free.. Your love rescued me..." and dozed off....

Seriously, that's it. No more mourning. No more pain. No more emptiness. No more shame. No more tears. No more missing here and there. No MORE NO MORE!! Though I have been really genuine to God about my feelings, I feel as if I have been living like Jesus never died for me. What the heck. No matter how I feel this week, I will CHOOSE TO praise You, LORD JESUS...for You are WORTHY.

"Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart LEAPS FOR JOY, and I will GIVE THANKS TO HIM IN SONG."

I could wake up this morning with reasons to feel shame and guilt. But NO! Jesus defeated that through the blood of Jesus Christ on the CROSS. TREMBLE AT THAT, SATAN.
VICTORY IN CHRIST JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!

FOUND

The pain is real and it hurts like hell. But I don't want to talk about that anymore. I don't wanna think about the mistakes I've made and repeat this whole shiznit for the whole world to read. Right now, I just wanna CHOOSE to praise You and thank You. Thank You, Lord Jesus.
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Jesus, healer of brokenness
Savior, the fixer of troubled souls
Redeemer, you’re turning my eyes to thee
Mighty God, you’re just and merciful

Oh God of beauty and grace
You are my resting place
All of my life is found in You
You’ve taken my brokenness
Made me whole once again
All of my life is found in You
I’m found in You

All my security, my destiny
What lies ahead is found in you
All my hopes and dreams, my thoughts unseen
All my wants are found in you
What I dread and fear, all that weighs me down
All my trust is found in You
You’re my sustaining breath, all that gives me strength
All life-giving is found in You

Wild Imagination

I have never cried out to You so sincerely and passionately before. I am TRULY willing to put down all my alabastar jars.. every single one of it. I cry to You, because even though I don't understand, I choose to channel all these emotions to You. All I ask for YOU is to comfort me, embrace me, and show me..that you're not the God that smiles maliciously when I'm in pain, but One that is weeping with me. I want to see Your eyes.. I want to feel Your warmth. As hard and heart-wrenching it is, I lay it all down at the altar..and all I desire, is to know that You're here. I know You're.. by faith, I believe that You're here.. but in moments like this, I really want to SEE that You're here. I really want to feel You.

In the end, after crying so endlessly to You, there is no one here... but me.
Why would You hug Owen and placate His fears but not ME? I have to say, I am jealous.

Wild Imagination.
I went to Russell Creek and out of the blue, had an image of Person A running up to me, full of excitement and hugged me so tightly. I felt as if my mourning and pain disappeared.. I felt so warm and at home.
I thought to myself, "why don't I ever have awesome thoughts like this about Jesus?"

Then, I saw, in my wild sense of imagination, Jesus running up to me..full of glory. He hugged me.. but I felt absolutely nothing. Out of no where, I felt it. A strong piercing pain. I saw that He took a knife and jabbed it in my heart.. and as I was bleeding profusely, he dragged me while I was still on the ground, wimping in pain.. and demanded for me to follow Him.

Call it my wild sense of imagination.. but perhaps, I truly feel that towards Him...

RUBBISH?!?!

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them RUBBISH, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

I never understood. I have read these verses UNCOUNTABLE times in the past but it never became SO REAL AND AGONIZING until today. Reading it today feels like a cold knife stabbing into my heart... it makes me feel so bitter, so angry, so hurt... if I didn't go through what I did for the past months, I would have NEVER understood. Are you crazy, Lord Jesus? I CONSIDER EVERYTHING RUBBISH COMPARED TO THE SURPASSING GREATNESS OF KNOWING YOU?! RUBBBIISHH?!?! Everything in my life, the gifts and blessings you have given me, are to be considered NOTHING. RUBBISH. TRASH. MEANINGLESS. Yes, that makes TOTAL SENSE. I need to consider everything VISIBLE RUBBISH to be intimate and be found in something INVISIBLE. Tell me they are lies from the Evil One but isn't that really whacked, God?

The complete cut has been emotionally, mentally, spiritually, educationally horrendous. You, who's not even reading this blog, have some INSANE power over my life. You're the last thought before I sleep and the first when I wake up.. 247, anywhere and everywhere. My grades are degrading and my emotions are just depreciating. Am I really as excited and enthusiastic as I seem...or am I just buried under layers of lies? God can ask for my grades, my other relationships, my career, my nasty sins... but when God asked for you, a COMPLETE CUT from you, He wasn't just asking for an idol, a friendship, a romance, and a bunch of intimate memories... He literally asked for my life to be laid down on the altar as a living sacrifice. Every. Inch. Of. My. Heart.

Lord Jesus, I know You're great, good, forgiving, compassionate, blah, blah, blah. But do I really know? Who are you to ask SO MUCH out of me? Are you really WORTH IT? The lies remind me of your selfishness and glory-seeking pride, but the truth tells me that You would sacrifice Your only Son to be in eternity with me. The Truth declares that you're abounding in love, grace, and compassion for me. The Truth says that you're close to the brokenhearted.. that you weep with me. But do I REALLY KNOW YOU? Do I really think You're WORTH ALL I AM? Do I really have to give up all that I am just to know all that you are? Do I really have to DIE in order to LIVE?

I don't understand. From the beginning of this mess, I never understood. But this morning, once again, I choose to be obedient. I choose to trust. As convincing as the lies can be, I trust that even though you ripped my heart out of me, You're still a good God that wants the very best for my life. Andrea's fbm about alabaster jars completely pierced me. How many more alabaster jars are you desiring of me? You've already got my biggest jar.. and You're only gonna ask for more.. until I completely, completely, completely, YOURS. I'm gonna crack every single alabaster jar before Your feet and wipe it up with my tears to a point where I can truly say, "It's just You and me here now..only You and me...." and that'd be more than sufficient.

So I CHOOSE to consider everything in my life a RUBBISH.. comparing to the surpassing greatness of knowing my Lord Jesus. Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Psalm 139

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well." Psalm 139: 13-14



Lord Jesus, teach me to truly understand that I am forgiven, pure, and beautiful in Your eyes. Your Son has defeated my shame, my nights of impurities, my uncountable sins through His precious blood on the cross. Because of this, I have the power, through the Holy Spirit, to crucify my old self and strive towards a life of righteousness. I am not a slave to my sin because I am a new creation through His resurrection. The Evil One has no authority over my soul and my heart because I belong to You, Lord Jesus. I repent of believing in His lies and trust that You will carry me through each day. I give up control, put on the full armor of God, and will continue to run this race in Your name. All this for YOUR glory, Lord Jesus, because You are SO WORTH IT!!!!!!!!

Fears

"...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning..." psalms 30: 5

I really don't feel like that this morning. I woke up with so much regret and shame...more weeping. Does rejoicing really come in the morning? Fears, fears, so much fears.

I fear falling back into my old life..my sins, my cycle of shame..
I fear that Love Corps 2009 was just a dream..nothing ever happened.
I fear the faces of demons going through my mind.
I fear the incessant lies that fight their ways into my heart.
I fear temptations. I fear pain.
I fear the burden of schoolwork. which is currently, untouched.
I fear pondering upon dirty memories. false intimacy.
I fear the worthless idols I cling on to.
I fear being a lousy, ineffective Christian this coming semester.
I fear today. a lot.
I fear... fear.

I tell him, "Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction." psalm 31: 9-10

and He says to me...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit..." psalm 34: 18
"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." psalm 34:4
"The fear of the Lord leads to LIFE: then one rests in CONTENT, untouched by trouble..." psalm 19:23

I replace all my fears for the FEAR OF THE LORD.

UTTERLY EXHAUSTED

I am SO UTTERLY EXHAUSTED, EMOTIONALLY DRAINED, TIRED....

I don't know why my quiet times are more draining than refreshing. Am I doing something wrong? It's been so emotionally draining fighting every single time.. I feel like I'm at the binge of falling back. Those demon faces are so much prevalent in my mind than before.. do I just have a wild sense of imagination?! My old life, my flesh.. are just begging to take over my life again.. and I am just getting weaker, weaker, and weaker. I feel discouraged.. like I'm bound to lose anyways..it's just a matter of time. So what if I had victories Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday? Temptations only get stronger each time. It's gonna happen so soon.

LIES LIES LIES ARGH.

Anyways, Lacey went through Mark with me today and after reading this verse, I decided to go home instead of worship practice.
"Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

I am not going to do anything tonight. I am heading to bed. That shall be my most powerful weapon right now.

Thank You, Lord Jesus. FOR REST.

Why?

Why so lonely? Why so blue? Why so empty? Why so downcast, oh my soul?

Temptations everywhere. Every minute is a battle- choose Jesus or choose myself. I can't even focus in class anymore..this is getting so draining. I woke up with an overwhelming sense of loneliness and that just sets up the mood for the day. Faces everywhere... unfamiliar faces walk past...and there's me.. and just me.

It's so crazy to my mind that I'm choosing to be intimate with something I can't even see, touch, feel, or hear. Or maybe.. it's just a different kind of seeing, touching, feeling, or hearing. Choosing to be insanely intimate with someone that's not physically right here?! I can only CHOOSE TO BELIEVE that He's physically right here. It takes more energy to CHOOSE TO BELIEVE. Am I not drained enough? ITS SO HARD TO FOLLOW YOU, JESUS.

I have so many memories of intimacy in my mind with other people. They were so real, so warm, so..intimate. Though it may have resulted in some crazy consequences, they were still intimacy... and yet, I have to CHOOSE TO push those memories aside for a God that I CANT EVEN SEE. In any human mind, does that even make sense?!

But nonetheless...
"Find rest, O my soul, In Christ alone..."

I will choose You.