Power of the HolyGEE

First Nations Missions 2009

I met up with my Muslim friend again today. Though I've been meeting up with her weekly and sharing the Word with her, there's still so much tension. There were even times in the past that my flesh would get into the way..and I would just try to prove my point across. There were times when the Evil Bastards tried to seek this opportunity to bring me down, remind me of how inadequate I am, how little knowledge I have of the Bible, and how pointless it is to share the Gospel with someone who is straight up Muslim. Sometimes, I feel so stupid when I can't explain the Trinity or when she asks a question which I don't have an answer to.

Today, we both acknowledged that in our own beliefs, both of us are going to hell. We also came to a conclusion that only ONE of us is going to hell..because our Scriptures directly contradict each other.
After proving a point today, she made me utterly speechless..and I was pretty discouraged that I could not defend my faith. I thought back to the times when I made her utterly speechless.. but does that mean she decided to accept Christ into her life? Is this about who can argue better?

I need to be constantly reminded that this is NOT about ME. It is not about MY knowledge of the bible, not about MY "persuasive words," not about MY actions, not about having answers to all the questions.. not about ME..

Instead, a verse given by a dear friend came up constantly in my mind.

"I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the SPIRIT'S POWER, so that your faith might not rest on MEN'S WISDOM, but on GOD'S POWER."

Lord, You love her so much more than I do. Your mighty hands are upon her..
Remind me to be SPIRIT-LED because apart from the HolyGEE, all that I do is NOTHING but filthy rags. Thank You so much for MOLDING ME through my conversations with her. Today, I sat on the toilet (sorry TMI) and as I thought about the uncountable ways You've poured into me, redeemed me from ugly bondages, and set me completely free.. I couldn't help but desire deeply for her to truly know YOU as well. Please unveil her spiritual eyes so that she can see YOU- THE way, THE truth, THE life.

Horrible Dreams

I've been having pretty bad dreams recently. Though they are often frustrating, there were many times I woke up in the morning and whispered, "Thank You, HolyGEE." T-Homie once told me that even when I rest in my unconsciousness, the HolyGEE inside of me is always awake..fighting for me, interceding for me, and drawing me closer to my Father through my rest. I didn't undestand what that meant until recently.. and boy, HE IS GOOD!

But yesterday, at small group, a horrendous dream came back to me. A night ago, I dreamt something completely horrid.. woke up at 3am, and was utterly pissed off. Perhaps it was so disgusting that I surpressed it and have forgotten it all day.. until small group. For me to recall the dream was completely agonizing, traumatizing, and shell-shocking. I've had plenty of dreams..but for some reason, this one topped it off. Perhaps it involved an innocent baby boy. Perhaps it reminded me of that stupid envelope I got in my backpack and I was young. Who knows.. I didn't even understand why I reacted insanely when the dream came back to me bit by bit. I sat in my car, Gassy, in darkness.. and was utterly fearful of my head and everythign around me. I frantically called a number of people but no one picked up. Finally, a sister in Christ came down from sg and fought through my fears with me.

Last night, before going to sleep, God revealed something to me. I prayed not for a sweet sleep or beautiful dreams. But I prayed that HIS WILL will be done through my dreams- good or bad. He told me that whatever happened to me, HE FILTERED AND ALLOWED IT. No matter what circumstance or horrendous dream.. nothing can get to me unless the Father permits it. The best thing is that.. He won't give me more than what I can bear.. and even better, all this to mold me into an image of His Son. All this to make me stronger. All this so I can depend more on the HolyGEE and HIS divine power. DEMOLISH STRONGHOLDS! Take captive every thought! Obedient to Jesus Christ!

But I really thank God, once again, for the wonderful girls He put in my life.

Thank You for a sister in Christ who listened to my screamy agonizing voicemail, called me back frantically, and spoke a bunch of GOOD Truth to me.
Thank You for the birthday girl who called me, listened to me, read Eph 6 to me, and prayed with me before zzzz-ing.
Thank You for Clementine :)
and thank You for the girls who prayed for my sleep! IT WAS A RESTFUL ONE!

Good or bad- may Your will be done, Master.

Heavenly Things

The thoughts in my mind and my dreams are CONSTANT WAR ZONES. These bright post-it notes are in the wrong cabinets..WRONG cabinets..and it's making me MAD.

Lord Jesus, teach me take captive my thoughts in obedience to You. Teach me to replace these things:
"sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, idolatry, anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language...(Colossians 3: 5-8)"

with these things:
"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy.. (Philippians 4: 8)"

that my mind DESTROYS all the earthly thoughts.
and think constantly of HEAVENLY THINGS.

Jesus, you DON'T fix what is broken. You RESTORE and RENEW it to the original design. Please transform me by the renewing of my mind.

Food & Fart

Neil Ge Ge @ Statefair 2009

Recently, I've been reminded of my eating habits. Seriously, I INDULGE. When I come home, the first thing I do..is OPEN THE FRIDGE. When I go to Bei2s apartment, I aim for the red box filled with yummy white chocolate. I eat bags of chips at 3am in the morning. I can't stop eating that delicious string cheese. I used to fast the 6th of every month to remember God's mission calling in my life.. but recently, Though I know that my body is a temple of the HolyGEE, I can't stop my tongue. Afterall, I LOVE FOOD SO MUCH that I REFUSE TO FAST. THANK GOD FOR TASTEBUDS! I really mean it when I say it.

Today, before my class, I earnestly went before Ahbujii in prayer. I asked for His Gee to fill the room, fill my heart, fill every word and every thought at that moment. As I prayed, I found myself just randomly babbling a verse, "My food, Ahbujii, is to do YOUR will for You have sent me."

... then..SHAHBAM....
"Is your FOOD, Twig, really to do MY will?"

I paused...then a flood of FOOD MEMORIES bombarded my mind.. all the JUNK FOOD, WINGS, FRIES, CHOCOLATE.. just came rushing in my head. WOW.

It was THAT very moment that God convicted me of my eating habits. Jiejie's comment a long time ago came back to me. She told me that whenever she can't control her food consumption, most likely, she is also lacking self-control in every other areas of her life. I'm not sure if this is true for me yet... but I think it was this very moment that Ahbujii struck me in the face and revealed how selfish I've been in destroying my temple and indulging in my desires. Argh, gluttony.

(OK. THIS IS THE AWKWARD FART PART. SORRY..)
After eating din din w/ 3ma, I wondered why Toaster's fart is gentle and never stinks while mine are always stinky, loud, and obnoxious. Then it CLICKED TO ME. It was seriously, A MOMENT OF EPIPHANY. Toaster eats HEALTHY..literally, salads EVERYDAY. Because she always eats veggies, GOOD STUFF, so what comes out of her body is GRACEFULLY GENTLE. And because I eat a bunch of greasy oily food, the products of my junk will naturally be DISGUSTING and ROTTEN. (I'm so terribly gassy to a point where my friend, Deeds, named my car GASSY)

ANOTHER MOMENT OF EPIPHANY.
This is nothing different from the SPIRIT and the FLESH. When we feed our spirits with Scripture, prayer, and fellowship, the fruits or.. farts (LOL) of it will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. SELF-CONTROL.
When we feed our FLESH.. the "fru-arts" of it will be obnoxious, digusting, destructive, hurtful, etc.. so what have I been feeding? my FLESH or my SPIRIT?

Please keep me accountable, my friends.
When we have 1-1 together or eat out, PLEASE make sure what I eat will PLEASE the Lord..I CAN eat oily foods.. but only with LIMITATIONS. I gotta
protect this temple so that I can live longer and serve my Lord.
3ma is gonna keep me accountable on my food consumption and working out. (I'm gonna start a food log TOMORROW onwards to keep track, hehe)

Ahbujii, may my food TRULY be doing the will of YOU who sent me.
Teach me to receive and nom nom nom nom nom nom nom from the BREAD OF LIFE that I may be completely satisfied DAILY. I wanna eat my with SPIRITUAL TASTEBUDS :)

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

nom nom nom nom nom JESUSBREAD

Prepare the Way

Taken by Kinpuffs at UTD IVCF Fall Retreat 09

What does it mean to "prepare the way for the Lord?" How can I prepare the way for the Lord through my studies, my discipleships, my IVCF ministries, my relationships, my words, and my actions? How can I point people to the Messiah? This new Spring 2010..what are His plans for me in THIS BROKEN WORLD?

This morning, I journaled, "HolyGee, can you be more obvious to me? SCREAM INTO MY EAR! I'm ready to do whatever You want me to..just SCREAM!"
Then He points me back to Isaiah 50:4.

"The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
WAKENS MY EAR to listen like one being taught."

Do I have any BOOGERS (LOL Sandy) stuck in my ear? Do I still have any filth and impurities in my life that is clogging my ability to truly hear His voice? No, don't scream in my ear, HolyGee. Teach me to be still and hear You in your gentle whispers. Just whisper in my ear.. gently..softly.. I'm ready to listen. Awaken my ear to listen to Your heartbeat for this world. AWAKEN IT! Make my ears attentive to the silent cries of the people around me.

Spring 2010 is all for You, all for You, my Commander.

Can't Sleep

WinterBreak messed up my sleeping cycle. Or blame it on my awesome friend who called me in the wee wee hours of the night aka 3.30am to talk. I used to be able to do 11pm-6am perfectly fine.. but I was tossing and turning for 30 minutes in my bed and then gave up. Here I am :)

So I'm just gonna say a few things I'm thankful for today:

• I'm thankful for my comfortable bed.. it really feels like green lushes grasses and quiet waters.
• I'm thankful for "He upholds those who fall and lifts up those who are BOWED DOWN." Psalm 145:14
• I'm thankful for the 3.5 hours I talked to DiiDii today..and EXCITED for his growth this coming semester! and all the awesome piano skills he's gonna teach me. and the discipleship he's gonna receive! and THANK YOU for his testimony!
  
• I'm thankful for the time I had @ EeKayGee's place today..and all the laughters!
• I'm thankful that Toasters has decided to quit her job!
• I'm thankful for an awesome sg girls- I heart Morgborg, Jens, Anna, Creeps, Bei2, Kinpuffs, Debbie, and Booger :)
• I'm SO thankful that LIGHT CONQUERED DARKNESS and dwelt among us!
• I'm thankful for all my sisters in Christ who have decided to keep me accountable with diff. stuffs. Thank You for those who texts me verses everyday!
• I'm thankful for 3ma (as Toast would say) and how she cheered me up today :)
• I'm thankful for EXCITEMENTS and SURPRISES!!! heheheheh
  
• I'm thankful for my FIRST DAY OF CLASS TOMORROW!

Thank You, Lord Jesus.

Renewing of My Mind

I have been transformed by the RENEWING OF MY MIND. I will take captive every thought in obedience to YOU, Lord Jesus Christ. Sin is not my master for GRACE IS MY MASTER. You are my authority and my King. Through Your HolyGee, I can demolish any strongholds that stand between us.

You, who search the heart and mind, SEARCH for any impurities in my heart. Replace it with YOUR LAWS. Teach me to delight in them!

"I will put my law in their minds.
and write it on their hearts."

The bright post-it notes in my mind are only for YOU.. memories with YOU. I will set my mind and heart on THINGS ABOVE, not on earthly destructive desires. You are my only desire.

Until The Whole World Hears

Lord I want to feel your heart
and see the world through your eyes
I want to be your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads

Ready yourselves
Ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves
Ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
We'll sing until the whole world hears

Lord let your sleeping giant arise
Catch the demons by surprise
Holy nation sanctified
Let this be our battle cry

Want to be your hands and feet
Want to be a life that leads
To see you set the captive free
Until the whole world hears
and I pray that they will see more of you and less of me
Lord I want my life to be the song You sing
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting your name up for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
we'll sing until the whole world hears
----------
As I meet up with more people on a personal level, the more I realize how broken people are.
But in midst of all this, He never fails to remind me, "Twig.. I'm sovereign."

I can't wait for IVCF this semester! Can't wait for discipleship!
I can't wait to pour into people's lives as He pours into me!

Lies

Jesus, help me.
They are bombarding me with lies.
that I am good for nothing.
but to hurt others.
that I'm worthless..

Cast it out. CAST IT OUT.

Rejoice

"I have learnt and I am still learning that joy happens not because of changing circumstances- but because of the ONE who does not change.

Happiness depends on circumstances. Often our happiness is marked by things going well. Joy – is a deep contentment that is in the LORD, based on trust in the sovereign, living God, who is there always even in difficult times. Joy is not a feeling: it is the deep down confidence that God is in control of everything for the believer's good and His own glory no matter what the circumstances are. Rejoicing is closely connected with trust in the Lord. Therefore I can rejoice always, and I will learn to rejoice always... and again I say I will rejoice :) My God is trustworthy! He knows what He is doing with my life." - Clementine

"Life is not about getting all the questions answered, but learning to live trusting in God the Answerer, and learning to live with unanswered questions unanswered."

Ahbujii, teach me to
REJOICE
through all circumstances.

BEST THING IN LIFE

Today was a really good day.

ortho apt. teeth hurts. rubberbands.
good quiet time. wretched but saved by grace.
STARTED w/ prayer con Toaster.
We Spent 4 hours with Deeds.
Parfait & 3 hours talk with Toaster.
ENDED w/ prayer con Toaster.
Christ-seeking, Prayer-centered friendship.
TRUST. Let the Gee lead.

Encouraging email with awesome verse/PR from Dii Dii.
Morgan's text with a verse about HIS LOVE and
elbows. :) love this sister!

Best part of my day:
Shutting off facebook & blogs.
Climb in my bed.
"I just want to be in Your presence, Ahbujii.. just in Yours."
The deepest form of intimacy I can have with ANYONE.
Laying in my bed.. blown away by His love & grace.
Just You and me. Just You and me, Jesus. like we drifted off to some island together.
Whispering, "Give thanks to the Lord..for He is good..His love endures forever."
MELTED.
He's here. He's here. I feel Him. He's here with me... it's so...warm...

Bei2 called.
"Ugh. Why is she disturbing my Jesus time?!"
She screams in my ear, "GOD IS SO GOOOOOOOOOODDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I screamed back, "I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Blown away by what she shared about CORE meeting.
Hands & feet shaking. Wanted to just jump out of my bed and scream, "JESUSSSSSS!!"
"Bei..."
She interrupted, "Thanks for being my friend, Twig.."

She ended with..
"The best thing in my life is to know Him and to be in His Word."
"CHYEUH!!!!!!!!"

Jesus,
You are the BEST THING
in my life.
Goodnight,
I love You.

Carrying Burdens

"And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."

"Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire...He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God."

Evonne and I were brought back to John 8: 42-47 (titled: The Children of the Devil) couple times in our quieTime together. We couldn't wrap around my mind around it.. that the Lost people in our lives were considered.. "Children of the Devil." They are the children of the Evil Bastards who lied to me, daunted me, guilt-tripped me, tempted me, shattered me, maliciously smiled at me, and destroyed me in my old life. The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing. They are perishing.

Last week, I went through a whole night of beating up myself because my precious friend has strayed even further. I reached out to her for 3 years.. and after 3 years of begging, crying, and interceding for her, I had to lay her on the altar and understand that I was merely a step on a staircase. It's the HOLYGEE that brings freedom.. not my words or actions. This past semester, I was so broken down in pieces that I completely forgot her..stopped praying for her..and ceased reaching out to her. I was so angry at myself..and felt "responsible" for her salvation. How could I be so consumed in my pain that I forgot her? How could I be so ridiculously SELFISH?

But the Lord countered that lie.

After a talk with a brother last night, I also found myself ANGRY that I don't reach out to people enough. People are broken and shattered.. why don't I make EXTRA EFFORT to bug them, irritate them, and make sure that they are okay? Why does it feel like EVERYTHING I do is wrong? Am I really not welcoming enough? Do I really form my own cliques? Do I really seem distant? Am I really THAT inconsiderate?

But the Lord countered that lie.

He told me that even though I forgot her, HE NEVER DID. I needed this past semester to renounce, repent, and restore from my old life. I am merely a VESSEL..
He told me that I am not responsible for my brother's spiritual needs. He told me that I did the best I could this past semester.. and the rest is up wto HIM. He told me that my brother is in a place where He needs to be.. that even though my brother feels really crapped up, it is part of His perfect plan in molding him into an image of Jesus Christ. It is NOT my responsibility. It is a BLESSING to keep others accountable.. but when I can't carry my own burdens, how can I carry others' burdens? JESUS helps carry the burdens, NOT ME.

HolyGee, You said that where You are, there is freedom. As Toaster and I reach out to our beloved friend today, we invite Your HolyGee to move.. because we admit our total inadequacy. May You shine out of our broken vessels.. may You anoint our lips and our actions. May You move in WHATEVER WAY YOU WANT TO. It is not our will, but Your will be done.

I See You

I think I sent this msg to Jiejie 1 month ago. And then I was playing around with Bei's camera and took a picture of it :]

"Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need"
-Tenth Avenue North "Beloved"

I asked Fioho what it means when Avatar (REALLY GOOD MOVIE, ZOMGGG!!) kept repeating, "I see you." She said that it means seeing beyond the surface.. beyond what meets the eye.
Jesus, I want to look deep into Your eyes.. I've always wanted to..always sought to, always cried to see Your eyes. I want to look beyond the surface level.. to dive into the corners of Your heart and truly SEE what Your heart breaks and beats for.

You keep whispering in my mind, "I see you.. I see you..."
Thank You for seeing me through the past 4 months.

Will You let me see You too?

P.S. Really excited for Dii Dii :) GO Dii Dii! JIA YOUU!! Spend time with Jesus :)

Twin Size Bed

My 2 big brothers (Clementine 26, Andrew 28) are currently snuggling with me in a TWIN SIZE BED.. and have both FALLEN ASLEEP. I wanted to tell them to go sleep in their own rooms.. but I find myself just staring at them. They're beautiful :) and I'm blessed to have such cute big brothers. And oh, one just started snoring.

Now, the question is: how am I sleeping tonight?

On the other hand,
THANKYOUJESUS
for reconciled friendships :)

Living Martyr

Taken by Kinpuffs :)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Lord Jesus Christ,

I'm completely blown away. When Wendy gave me that verse at Love Corps, I knew exactly what I desired at that time. Now, reading that verse again.. I realize that the VERY desire of my heart is to truly delight in You. I went through so much the past 4 months of my life and finally realize that the very thing I desired..the very thing I weeped and broke my heart intensely was NEVER my desire. YOU have been my desire all along.
I sat down and read through my journal entries.. how agonizing..how painful..EVERY single page. But now, looking back, You have truly made everything beautiful in its time. The thousand verses I have read in the past 4 months finally make sense. I really feel PRIVILEGED and HONORED that You would rip away such a deep stronghold. It hurt like hell.. but You did it because You love me and desire for me to truly experience the BEAUTIFUL RECONCILIATION AND FELLOWSHIP I can have with You...even if it took a completely shattered heart.

I don't understand. I can't comprehend this love You have for me. I have ROBBED You of so many things. I have forcefully "taken away" many things that are rightfully YOURS. Yesterday, You taught me that if I am willing to give up all...as in, ALL that I am, You will "throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you [I] will not have room enough for it." I didn't even understand what it means to not have "enough room" for blessings. It sounds RIDICULOUS. But today, I understand a glimpse of it. I'm so overwhelmed by this love You have for me.. I'm utterly speechless.

"So what can I say?
What can I do?
But offer this heart, O God
Completely to You."

Teach me to be a LIVING MARTYR. Teach me to experience martyrdom in my relationships, in my education, in my finance, in my ambitions and desires. Teach me what it means to have Your sufferings pour into me..so that [love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control] will overflow out of me. I am not my own, Master. I am YOUR living martyr.

Love, Crowned Grace

Laughter

DUDE. Today, I woke up with so much frustration..but by the end of the day, I was able to laugh it all off already.

I've been meeting up with so many people.. and it's truly been such a blessing!!
Today, some of us senior class *though never specifically planned* all hung out and had so much fun. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO MANY TIMES IN A DAY. We just couldn't stop laughing..from escape to BBQ to TX game..

I love laughing. :)

[this post is really pointless]

Cold Brick Wall

I met up with person #1 yesterday. All her life, she's been striving to be unaffected by others' actions or feelings towards her. She wants to be cool and cold. She doesn't want to feel hurt or pain. A Cold brick wall.

I met up with person #2 yesterday. When I asked her questions, all she said was, "I don't know. I don't know." She sat in a corner.. giving off the "I don't care" attitude and yet, when we dug deeper, she finally shed tears. She said she blocked things out. A Cold Brick Wall.

A Cold Brick Wall. That's all my mind and heart have been screaming for me to do. I want to be impervious to all this. I want to be be cool and put together, and not keep popping those egg shells. I want to move on. I'm so confused with everything I do..and with everything I don't do. If I do something, it might hurt someone else. If I don't do something, it might hurt someone else. Same goes for me as well. EVERYTHING IS SO FRIGGING SENSITIVE! This whole thing is so confusing. I am getting mixed signals- sometimes, a deep desire for friendship and reconciliation. Other times, a very cold answer. And other times, just completely ignored. I'm trying to accommodate but how can I be sensitive when I get absolutely no communication?!

I want to move on and forget. I want to leave all this and just completely cut. But is that what I'm called to do? The more I try to put on a cold brick wall, the more the HolyGee keeps yelling in my ear, "I HAVE CALLED YOU TO LOVE! IS THIS HOW YOU LOVE?!" Evonne reminded me this morning that Jesus called for us to care and feel..and that this painful fire is just to mold me into a more beautiful person. Chau sent me a text this morning saying, "To live if Christ, to die is gain.."

Jesus, teach me to genuinely love.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is PATIENT.
Love PERSEVERES.
Love HOPES.
Love PROTECTS.

Cold brick wall is not LOVE. Running away is not LOVE. Being impervious is not LOVE.
Jesus, teach me to experience MARTYRDOM in all that I do- that I may be a living martyr for you. Teach me to love unconditionally and selflessly.

On the other hand, I'm so darn thankful for Sandy and Ines. I had a good long talk with Sandy last night..completely open, spill..it felt good..to be able to express whatever I need to express and be completely open to a close friend. I'm completely comfortable around Ines as well. I'm so thankful for these relationships. Thank You, Jesus.

Today

I don't have much to blog about today.. I haven't finished Urbana processing. But since I'm daily blogger.. I'm just gonna talk about what I did today.

What a good day of fellowship!

• Met up with Chrissie for 4 hours to Spiritual Warfare study and talk. She kept blowing her nose. It was cute :)
• Talked to T-Homie on the phone and got to really catch up. It's always a HUGE ENCOURAGEMENT to talk to her. I'm blessed with such a wonderful sister in Christ.
• Drove to To's house..lay down, chillax..and just talk. (a lot of talking today!) It was so refreshing to hear about what God's doing in her life.. wow, another good sister in Christ.
  

Came home 10pm-ish and realize how much I incredibly, incredibly, really, really miss Sandy. Countdown: TWO DAYS. I miss her so much..

So many good sisters in Christ! What a good day of fellowship! Thank You, Lord Jesus, for all these sisters in Christ that run alongside me and fight this incredible battle with me! :) I'm so incredibly BLESSED.

Goodnight, Jesus.

Love Protects

Stolen from Anna Li :)

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily-angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the Truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. "

PUHLEEZE! How many times have I read this verse in my life?! But it's only until TODAY that I truly understand it. I went to discipleship with a very heavy heart.. as of tonight, I was so tempted to turn everything into a cold brick wall. It's easier to let it all go..move on..and forget.I don't want to deal with any of this! I want to be impervious to pain, to not be impacted by anyone's actions or words. I fear relationships. I fear putting myself in a vulnerable spot.. I fear trusting. I fear loving. I fear giving myself away. I fear. Anything can happen anytime.

But... HolyGee told me..
LOVE IS NOT SELF-SEEKING.
LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS.

What does it mean to abandon all that I am, all my desires.. to help protect a sister or a brother's heart? What does it mean to help siblings in Christ GUARD THEIR HEART? What does it mean to give without expecting anything in return? What is the love that surpasses physical affections and words? JESUS, TEACH ME TO LOVE. Teach me to not be a stumbling block. Teach me to do whatever it takes to spur others towards YOU. It's not about ME. I'm so SICK of my fleshly self! Give me strength to love, Lord. Give me the COURAGE and HUMILITY.

Hold Me Now

Jesus, You have no idea how much I CRAVE for YOUR worth in my life to BOOST UP LIKE CRAZY..so that EVERYTHING else will grow extremely dim. You know my heart, Lord. You know how I feel.

This is my plead tonight:

Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel You in this place
To know You're by my side
and hear Your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for Your embrace
I'm beat and broken down
I can't find my way out
Jesus, hold me now.

A Man of Sorrows

Taken by Grace LaoJie @ LoveCorps Missions 2009

THIS IS NOT AN URBANA UPDATE! I haven't even STARTED processing for Urbana yet.. I'm currently taking a 5-hour retreat with Jesus and taking a break because I just got done with QT...which took 2.5 hours.. this is gonna take me forever.

Today, I started on my QT complaining and journaling about the agony of my past 4 months. (This is from my journal.. feel honored..hehe)

"Ahbujii, were You there? I weep for myself! As I was reading through my 10th & 11th journals, I weep for myself! Do You understand what I went through? Were You there when I fell on the ground, half-puking, half-breathing, half-weeping, half-dying? Were You there those mornings I woke up at 5am and screamed, "WHY?!" Were You there when I weeped through my Chem Exam and got a 68%? Were You there when I spent forever in the shower screaming and throbbing in pain? Were You there through every single daunting dream? Were You there when I sped down the streets, trying to kill myself? Were You there when I ran insanely down my neighborhood and screamed? Were You there when I fell off my chair and rolled..rolled..rolled on the ground? SHALL I GO ON?! Because this didn't happen just once or twice a day.. it daunted me EVERYWHERE I WENT! How can a loving Father be so cruel? How can Your mighty hands be so ruthless?!?!

Strangely, these things never happened to me when I was around other people. Whenever I'm going through my deepest agony in the past, I was ALWAYS alone. Not a single soul. It was just me, me, and me. But as I was journaling, I found Him whispering to me once again, "I was there..I was there.. YOU DID IT FOR ME." He has never left me nor forsaken me.

My inexpressible pain is reserved only for HIM, my Master and Deliverer. ONLY for HIM. No one else needs to see it..no one else needs to be there. My deepest hurts, my deepest pains from the past were a WORSHIP to my beloved Authority. A long time ago, I was thought that calling up a friend and crying on a friend's shoulder is the way to go.. but it's only HIM who is able to replace my INEXPRESSIBLE PAIN with INEXPRESSIBLE JOY. He rid away all my idols so that only in HIM will I find my stronghold and comfort.

I turn to scriptures..

"He was despised and rejected by man,
a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering.
Surely He took up OUR infirmities
and carried OUR sorrows.
He was PIERCED for OUR iniquities,
He was CRUSHED for OUR transgressions;
the punishment that brought us PEACE was upon him
and by HIS WOUNDS WE ARE HEALED."

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, He offered up prayers and petitions with LOUD CRIES AND TEARS to the One who could save Him from death, and He was heared because of His reverent submission."

Not only was He there through my downs, He CARRIED ALL MY SORROWS. No, He didn't just carry my sorrows, HE CARRIED THE SORROWS OF THE WHOLE WORLD. If my pain was really that intense, HOW MUCH MORE INTENSE WAS HIS PAIN?!?! Lord Jesus, BRING ME BACK TO GETHSEMANE! He was a man of sorrow..so familiar with sufferings! How much more did He roll, weep, throb, bleed..HOW MUCH MORE LONELY WAS HE?!

How much does His eyes weep when He sees mine weep? Child pornography, sex slaves, prostitution, drugs, alcohol, cutting, masturbation, sex traffiking, rape, poverty, THIRSTY SOULS- HOW MUCH MORE DOES HIS HEART WEEP FOR THE WORLD?!?!?!??

By the end of my journaling, I laughed. Before I could even finish my thoughts, He already turned me 180. I couldn't complain about my pain anymore.. I couldn't. They seemed so insignificant comparing to HIS. Lord Jesus, it's an HONOR to share in a GLIMPSE of Your suffering! ITS AN HONOR! ITS AN HONOR! ITS A HUGE HONOR! Because I no longer want to partake simply in Your death and resurrection, but in YOUR sufferings as well. Teach me to be ONE WITH YOU.. to SUFFER AS YOU DID. Replace my heart so that I can WEEP AS YOU WEEP FOR THE WORLD..AND GROAN AS YOU GROAN FOR THIS BROKEN GENERATION!!

I have experienced how You have turned my inexpressible pain into inexpressible joy. JESUS, BRING DOWN THE RAIN! THE WHOLE WORLD NEEDS TO EXPERIENCE THE HEALING POWER OF YOUR BLOOD!!!!!
OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN!

Back

Guess who is back?!?! I came back, ate the most delicious meal of the week at Taco Bell with Clementine, came home..saw my beautiful family :) Guess who was here too?! FLO JIE JIE! Yayyzz!!

So much to update about. So many blog updates to read!
I have a personal retreat tomorrow before blogging about Urbana. Looking forward to share with all of you :)

Thanks JT Di Di, Anna, Creeper, Clementine, and whoever else who interceded and prayed for me. and the encouraging texts over the span of the week.