Cold Brick Wall

I met up with person #1 yesterday. All her life, she's been striving to be unaffected by others' actions or feelings towards her. She wants to be cool and cold. She doesn't want to feel hurt or pain. A Cold brick wall.

I met up with person #2 yesterday. When I asked her questions, all she said was, "I don't know. I don't know." She sat in a corner.. giving off the "I don't care" attitude and yet, when we dug deeper, she finally shed tears. She said she blocked things out. A Cold Brick Wall.

A Cold Brick Wall. That's all my mind and heart have been screaming for me to do. I want to be impervious to all this. I want to be be cool and put together, and not keep popping those egg shells. I want to move on. I'm so confused with everything I do..and with everything I don't do. If I do something, it might hurt someone else. If I don't do something, it might hurt someone else. Same goes for me as well. EVERYTHING IS SO FRIGGING SENSITIVE! This whole thing is so confusing. I am getting mixed signals- sometimes, a deep desire for friendship and reconciliation. Other times, a very cold answer. And other times, just completely ignored. I'm trying to accommodate but how can I be sensitive when I get absolutely no communication?!

I want to move on and forget. I want to leave all this and just completely cut. But is that what I'm called to do? The more I try to put on a cold brick wall, the more the HolyGee keeps yelling in my ear, "I HAVE CALLED YOU TO LOVE! IS THIS HOW YOU LOVE?!" Evonne reminded me this morning that Jesus called for us to care and feel..and that this painful fire is just to mold me into a more beautiful person. Chau sent me a text this morning saying, "To live if Christ, to die is gain.."

Jesus, teach me to genuinely love.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is PATIENT.
Love PERSEVERES.
Love HOPES.
Love PROTECTS.

Cold brick wall is not LOVE. Running away is not LOVE. Being impervious is not LOVE.
Jesus, teach me to experience MARTYRDOM in all that I do- that I may be a living martyr for you. Teach me to love unconditionally and selflessly.

On the other hand, I'm so darn thankful for Sandy and Ines. I had a good long talk with Sandy last night..completely open, spill..it felt good..to be able to express whatever I need to express and be completely open to a close friend. I'm completely comfortable around Ines as well. I'm so thankful for these relationships. Thank You, Jesus.