5:30am

Last night, I sincerely (for the kahzillionth time) asked God to show me His eyes, His touch, His hug when I sleep. I ended up waking up at 5:30am with such an agonizing dream. I was so frustrated..my heart ache in bed.. I went back to sleep..and dreamt some more agonizing dream. Even though it was frustrating, it was the only place that all fake things can be real. I had the worst shower of my life.. it was so painful. I tried imagining the Living Streams of H20 showering down on me..

I journaled but after flipping aimlessly through my bible, I couldn't even do my quieTime. I was just AAAAAGGGGGGHHH!! I had the noisiest SOAK time (haha, SOAK is where you lay there..and don't say or think anything..and just receive from the Lord). I have so many moments like this..where I just lay down, throb in pain, weep like nuts, t like crazy, roll back and forth..and just..SCREAM. God is so faithful because He always provides a place (either my empty house or driving time) to do my noise times.

So today, I screamed to my empty house..
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY HEART?!?!?!?"
A voice goes through my mind: "Yes, I do."
"DO YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?!?!?"
"Yes, I do."
"THEN WHY DON'T YOU REVEAL YOURSELF TO ME!??!?!"
-silence-

These moments are really between me & God. I find that everytime I have moments like these and try calling people, no one picks up.... in the end, there's really just me & God. He WANTS it to be our bonding time. He WANTS me to keep screaming to the empty house, "AHHH BUUU JIIIII!!!!!!!! AHH BUU JIII!!!!!"
I never leave this noise times frustrated. Somehow, I always end up laying in my bed, at COMPLETE peace.. whispering, "Thank You, Lord Jesus.. Thank You, Lord Jesus."

I'm glad that He always confirms it with warm shivers down my body. It's not just normal shivers.. it goes from the head..and sometimes, all the way to the toe.. warm shivers. Confirmation. I really thank Him for that...

"You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me, my love

Under my mercy come and wait
Till we're standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child

I sing over you my song of peace
Cast all your cares down at my feet
Come and find rest in ME

I breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength
I'll take you to my quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in me and be MADE WHOLE"