I remember the day I wrote this on the sand, wanting to declare to the whole First Nation island that Jesus has the ability to save them. Sadly, my heart was groaning and weeping for God to save me as well. I remember that day and how sorrowful I was.. time was ticking away and with each breath, I felt more and more pain surging in. My spirit was truly groaning out to him, "Please save me, Ahbujii.. please save me." That was less than two months ago.[Esowista, First Nations, August 15, 2009]
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I woke up this morning in anguish.. asking God, for the millionth time, "WHY?!?!?"
I turned on my laptop and went through a whole series of "i am not okay" blog posts from my dear brothers and sisters. My heart grew heavier. In all this suffering, WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?
"I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining"
I turned to scripture. Randomly landed on "Gethsemane."
Jesus was SO SORROWFUL. He was "deeply distressed and troubled..overwhelmed with sorrow to the POINT OF DEATH." In Luke, it says that his "sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground."
I kept asking myself.. WHY WAS HE SO AFFLICTED? Why the agony? Why the tears? Why the blood? He SWEAT BLOOD even before He POURED OUT BLOOD on the cross.
I always thought that He was in such distress because He was about to suffer INTENSE PHYSICAL PAIN AND HUMILIATION. But was that really the reason? Is he scared of physical pain?
I once heard that He was in so much affliction because the author of RIGHTEOUSNESS is about to be sacrificed as UNRIGHTEOUSNESS for our sake. But what does that even mean? Knowing that He has the victory in the end, why THE PAIN?! WHY NOT START REJOICING FOR VICTORY?
And why. Why did He ask the disciples to WATCH AND PRAY? What temptations were they even going to fall into?"
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the body is weak."
And yet, the disciples eyes grew heavy..fell asleep over and over again.
So many questions. Yet one thing I know..
Because he suffered much, he understands us much. He wasn't just a King who sat on the throne and demanded our obedience. He is able to sympathize with our deepest needs because he was "tempted in every way.." Our pains are so insignificant comparing to His pains.. and yet, He wants us to pour our hearts to Him and express our deepest needs.. because HE CARES. Our deepest hurts are SO SIGNIFICANT to Him.
And so, even with our million questions, hurts, craps, shiznits, hell here and there, let's stretch out our frail hands to Him. Let's choose to worship Him.
"And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm "
WE WILL BE OKAY.
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